I'll call it success. I weighed in today and even though I don't count points anymore and haven't for a while I will continue to weigh in to keep myself honest. I also got rid of my scale in the house because I was becoming too obsessed with it, so at least once a week I'll know where I stand. I have now lost a total of 40.8 pounds and guess what? I still felt like it wasn't enough. Immediately my mind was racing and saying "well Nicole, it could've been 50 already if you hadn't fallen off the wagon so many times". You know what? My inner voice is right, I could've bypassed 50 a while back if I stayed on track BUT I could also be at plus 50 right now, and that is where I would have been headed had I not gotten my $&*# together. My work outs are inconsistent at best right now, but I think I have really done a good job kicking my sugar habit. There have been 2 occasions now where Tom and I have gone out with friends and I have been able to take 1 bite, a small bite of a dessert and then move along with my life instead of sticking my face in the dessert and then hitting the drive through on my way home. The great thing is that I have had a lot of time to really think about food and my eating habits while I have been abstaining from sugar and most carbs. I used to grab food because I was bored, lonely, anxious, tired, happy...you get the idea. Now that I don't have that, I try to at least think about the feeling that I'm having so I can start to get to the root of the problem. I also try to substitute as much liquid as I can for food so I know I'm hydrated and so I am still filling myself up with something.
My problem is also moderation- with EVERYTHING! Why is it that I can't go to the store and buy 1 pair of shoes or have just 1 french fry or have 1 cheeseburger. I can't stop myself, I have a problem with moderation and I'm laying it all out there. My biggest problem with moderation is food though, through and through. I remember being at a cousin's birthday party and I cut a piece of cake for myself (I love store bought cake with the cheap buttercream icing) the cake was an enormous piece and I huddled myself in the corner where people couldn't really see my eating habits. Well, one person who I won't name here did say something to me and it stuck with me. She was telling me that the size I cut myself wasn't a normal piece. She was right, it was about 3 times the size I should have had- especially having weighed in at over 300 pounds at that time. I remember it so vividly and not in a bad way either, I remember it because I need to reference what normal is...because I don't know. I can't sense that I'm full all the time, I just keep going and going- so to think about what might be perceived as normal is actually a good practice for me.
