Resolutions

Why is it that it's the end of February and I'm still trying to wrap my head around not having a New Year's Resolution. Each and every year for as long as I can remember, I've tried to give something up in order to lose weight. Now that my mindset has shifted to not necessarily losing a ton of weight, but trying to be more healthy, I feel less of a sense of urgency in my resolutions. I actually did tell myself in the New Year, I was going to give up diet soda. I did it for a few weeks and then caved when I saw a delicious diet doctor pepper, it was worth it friends, it was gooooood. I then rationalized this decision by telling myself that nothing should be off limits, and that I need to just do the whole moderation thing again. I feel like this mindset has gotten me in trouble before. Time will tell.

I can tell you that I have some good news, I finally hit that magic number my Doctor and I agreed upon almost 2 and a half years ago- 175 pounds. I will also tell you that I don't feel completely finished on my weight loss journey. I struggle, EVERYDAY, not just some days or some hours. I have an eating disorder, it will never disappear and is always sitting right in the back of my mind. I am trying to very carefully not transfer my food addiction to something else this time around as well. If you've struggled with any form of addiction, you know this happens easily. I was reminded that the new WW program talks about your "why". I've thought about it, and I can't articulate exactly what my why is, but I can say is that it's a culmination of many of the things I've talked about here on this blog. If you've read it, you can see that the past few years I've been writing, I've gone up, down, up, down, and way back up and then way down again. It can almost make you sea sick to follow this journey.
I am often encouraged by reading other people's goals, but the whole "I want to fit in a size, x", or "I want to fly without the seatbelt expander", those are no longer things that would motivate me, and finding your why is all about motivation. I suppose I can break it down to my why not- why not to continue the destructive path I had chosen for myself- why not to model the kind of food choices and behaviors I was opting for, in hopes for something better for my kids. When it comes down to it, my why is for my kids- not the jeans, not the vacation bikini, not even the lifetime achievement award through WW where you get to stop paying for your membership. My why is to be here- physically- because at over 300 pounds I know my life expectancy wasn't going to be what I wanted. My kids are the ones that motivate me- they see me eat well, they eat well. They see me head off to the gym, they want to be active. Although I don't want to say that embarrassments of the past have motivated me, they really have. I don't want my kids to endure the embarrassment of their friend drawing a "fat Mom pic" of me, and although this happened years ago, it stuck with me.  Poor Tommy felt so bad, he was in tears over the whole mess. It's not on him to fight my battles. No, we can't protect them from everything and everyone, but it is up to me to model the way.
This is my why.

Is it cheat day or binge day?

It's a fine line, friends. I found myself turning a day of grazing on foods I usually avoid, to self proclaiming that it was my cheat day. First of all, shouldn't it be a cheat meal, not a cheat day? Yes, I do restrict myself to stay within the low carb area, but that is intentional for me FOR NOW. I may not always need to do so, however, sugar is my trigger, and I cannot have a healthy relationship with foods containing sugar at this time. I have just started to incorporate berries back in to my diet as they are a lower sugar fruit.
So, what is the difference between a cheat day or a binge day? I have overheard people at my gym say they're going to have a cheat meal by ordering pizza, and then it occurred to me that if we put a negative connotation to it, we are going to make it a negative experience, and I don't need anymore help on that. As someone who has a binge eating problem that mostly does it in private as not to be ashamed in front of people, it is a real struggle to be able to eat certain foods in moderation. I almost feel like if I call it a cheat day, I will inevitably make it something unhealthy for myself in the long run. When I had my self proclaimed cheat day, it turned in to a mega binge, and I cannot afford to do that to myself after having made so much progress. It started with popcorn, then quickly went to oreos, cereal, chocolate that wasn't even all that good, pop tarts, and that is just the beginning. I went swiftly down the rabbit hole. I did step on the scale the next day and noticed a change, not for the better- but this time it didn't seem to make an impact on my next steps. This is where I would get caught up in the past, I would tell myself that since I was already in a binge cycle, I may as well just continue on with it until it was over...then I realized, I have the power to end it and not let the cycle continue.
Why am I sharing this? Because this is the absolute first time in my memory that I can remember having a binge that was just one day in length, and it wasn't actually the entire day either. No, I'm not happy that I did have a binge, but boy am I proud that it didn't last weeks and months as in the past.

Progress, not perfection.

A work in progress...

It's been a while since I have posted, but I really want to be intentional and transparent- if I don't have anything to say, I won't write for the sake of writing. I went to a family wedding for my husband's side a couple weeks ago, and it really got me to thinking about the journey I have been on for the past several years. I try hard not to live in the past, but if I'm being honest, I can tell you that I would dread being invited to weddings- sometimes even declining due to my weight, the way I looked, and most incredulously, the way I felt. I would stress for weeks about who I would see, what would they think when they saw me now, would they recognize me? Would they take pity on me and my 300 pound frame? The anxious being in me came up with every scenario, and none of it was positive. I would spend lots of time looking online for a plus size dress (plus size dresses have come a long way, but it hasn't always been that way), would I still be ordering an 18 when I damn well knew that I would be busting from the seams, but my stubborn German self would never order a 20 for fear of admission that it's where I really was at the time. Then it would come to the dinner, I LOVE FOOD, friends, I just do. I love every part of wedding food, from the appetizers, to the salad, soup, dinner and my absolute favorite...the wedding cake. I don't mind a glass or two of champagne either! The rub with this, is that I never actually could enjoy the food at a wedding either- why? Because I was too busy worrying about what everyone else would think of me at the table, were they watching me? Did they think about how much I was eating and eat less because they didn't want to end up like me? It's a wicked, wicked cycle. Let's flash forward to life now and me trying to come to terms with my relationship with food and the anxiety it brings me. So, we went to Tom’s cousins wedding, it was beautiful, the couple was so thoughtful in all their details. Still, weeks in advance, I ordered  2 dresses, one in a size that I knew would fit me, and one in the size that I wish I was. Who does that ladies and gentlemen? It's pure torture to have a dress sitting in front of you for weeks (mine came in 2 weeks early, which I guess I should say Thanks Rent the Runway?) and know for certain that you shouldn't even be trying it on because it's not going to fit you? With all the self discipline and hard work I have done, why would I put myself in a position to feel bad about myself and my body? But I still chose to do that. I went ahead and only tried on the size I knew wouldn't fit 3 times, and guess what- it didn't fit any of those times. However, I decided to proudly wear what I planned and did my best not to critique myself. In fact, I haven't worn a sleeveless gown in about 9 years, and this time I did it- with minimal judgment from myself. Don't worry, I only deleted one Facebook picture because I couldn't stand the look of the loose skin from my arm hanging down. Just for reference and honesty, I am at 189 and a size 14, I have been up and down quite a bit, so loose skin is an issue for me. Come dinner time, I was calm and collected as I passed on the potatoes and wedding cake and yes, even the salad because it had a vinaigrette that I could tell had enough sugar to put me in a place to say- the hell with it, I'm eating whatever I want tonight. I thought back to some reading I have been doing lately, at the suggestion of a close friend- I just finished a book called Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst, something she wrote really stuck with me, it was about knowing where you are at. For example, if I know that just a little sugar from a vinaigrette dressing is going to lead me down the rabbit hole of binge eating, then why would I put myself in that position if I'm not ready to handle it? I have in the past said, oh the hell with it, I'm going to have that blizzard because I deserve it and it's delicious. However, it may have taken me days, weeks or even months to get out of the binge cycle. That is something I am not willing to do to myself at this time, and I hope that someday I will be able to be in a place where I can have a blizzard and move along back to my healthy eating lifestyle, but I am aware enough to know that now is not that time.
I am trying to focus on being grateful for the body I have and how strong I have become, and of course, what my body allows for me to be able to accomplish these days; being active with my kids, running a half marathon, making it through difficult workout classes. However, it is taking hard work in every decision I make with food, harder than I thought. Be grateful and be in the moment- if I think too far ahead, or too far in the past, it puts me in an unhealthy place. Sometimes I feel bad that I think about myself and my issues before I think about the fact that I am there to celebrate someone else at their special event, but those of you who struggle with binge eating or any other type of eating disorders or even those of you that struggle with anxiety probably understand that it is well beyond my control. It doesn't make me any less happy for the couple or even person celebrating an occasion, it is just my process for now. I say for now, because I look for a day that I can break free. If you struggle with some of these issues like I do, or if you have felt the pain or disappointment that I have felt, I am here to tell you that you are not alone, you are beautiful, you are worthy of all the love you can receive.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

It occurred to me the other day that I haven't written my snarky comments to the inter webs lately...so here you go!
I have been staying consistent with a fitness routine lately, even past the half marathon, which let me tell you...I'M SHOCKED. I hated movement more than anyone I know and can honestly say that I've kept up with running twice a week and going to GCP twice a week and I am totally happy with that for now. I thought that as soon as my goal of running a half marathon was over, that I would be dunzo and never to be seen on the running path again, but I was wrong. I was wrong, and I'm grateful for that.
Eating is another story. Guess what? I'm still a binge eating food addicted, flawed human being. I mean this with the utmost respect for where I've been and where I'm headed. I went back to weight watchers (now I guess they call it WW) a few weeks back and was able to lose 10 pounds, but if I'm being honest, I had gained that during the 2 weeks leading up to the holidays. With counting points and staying around my daily point values (I usually ate more than what I was supposed to) and with the exercise regimen, I was able to lose the weight. BUT for some reason, this week I couldn't stay out of my pantry and my fridge and since honesty is policy here, I couldn't stay out of the drive thru's either. Some of you know I was no stranger to the drive thru experience, sometimes stopping at 3 different drive thrus in the same sitting, pretending I had lots of people in the back of the van that I was ordering for. Usually, it was just me. All I can say is that if I look for the positive in the experience from this past week, I didn't binge as badly or on the things that I used to binge on. Meaning, in the past years when I would go get a big mac, some fries, a mcflurry, a starbucks cake pop and frappe, then hit up taco bell.. you get the picture. Yesterday I did get myself a starbucks cake pop, I had some pancakes because they are delicious, grabbed a salad in between, had some honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces and that was just the first third of the day. When I really took a hard look at my day, I wasn't happy with myself, I wasn't pleased, and I sure as heck didn't find what I was looking for. In fact, I don't know what I was looking for, but everything I ate was an attempt to fill some sort of void and it failed- It didn't do one thing for me. I suppose that's why I kept searching, kept eating until I felt like I would either feel full, satisfied or gasp, happy. Now, God has given me many, countless blessings. I am grateful for my beautiful children, my husband, my entire family and  loyal friends that support me each day. However, with all this support, with all the time, energy, and money spent on trying to get rid of and combat this addiction to food and binge eating, it's still there. It bothers the hell out of me that it's one of the only things in my life that I can't get under control. Sometimes it lays dormant, sometimes it is raging, but it is always there. Maybe if I start to accept that it won't ever be gone, I will be much happier with the relationship I have with food? I honestly don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that I am listening to myself, my body, my heart and my soul after these binge sessions and they leave me feeling nothing but empty and sick. When I was really struggling, I remember a time when I ate so much I physically became ill and vomited form all the eating. TMI? Sorry! It's your choice to read past that part. I haven't been back to that place, which makes me believe that although this will never be gone, I'm in a better place than I used to be.
I recently had someone tell me that it was hard to believe that I had an issue with eating, since I seemed to be pretty fit and looked good physically. This made me think, how many others out there are struggling with this but don't physically look like it, so they keep it all inside for themselves. If you are that person, I see you, I feel you and I know you. I really thank those of you that have complimented me on the hard work and the changes that you can and can't see, it does make me feel better about things and actually motivates me to stay on track.

Thanks for all your support along this journey, friends.

Same cardigan, different body

So I was reading a motivational weight loss article about triggers this past week, and it got me to thinking...What are my triggers? What are the triggers for a person who struggles with food addiction? It's everything! Parties, celebrations, sadness, passing a mcdonalds, putting my shoes on, it really doesn't matter to me- it's all a trigger. I have probably mentioned this on more than one occasion, but when someone struggles with a food addiction, they can't actually avoid what they are addicted to. We need food to live, and it is inevitably part of everyday life. I am hyper aware of how I act around food, what I eat around those I work with, what I eat around my children, because I hope to God they never have to struggle the way I do each and every day. Working around college students everyday is a unique arena- I recently overhead a conversation between a group of ladies in the cafeteria that stuck with me. "No, she said she has an eating disorder, but she is too fat to have one." They were discussing a friend not sitting at the table. WHAT???? It took everything within me not to turn around and have it out with a group of teenagers. Eating disorders are painful, and they are not reserved for any specific body type. They do not know race, religion or sexuality. They find everyone and anyone.
This girl in the picture, I know her- I know that unhappy look on her face and I know that she is not comfortable in her own skin.  No, this is not my heaviest, no, I didn't have any reason to be particularly anxious or unhappy to cause my ballooning for the 5th time in my life (at least). I had every reason to be content in my life, but it wasn't my life that I was unhappy with, it was my anxiety and binge eating disorder. I have had people, someone in my own family ask, "how can you have it together in every other aspect of your life but not when it comes to your weight?" I have honestly had someone say "how can you get your doctorate, write a book, hold a decent job and raise 3 kids, but you can't get your food issues under control?" This got me to thinking; I keep believing that every time I lose, I DO have it under control. That seems to be where my error lies, that I treat the result of weight loss as an ending achievement. Just like achieving a degree, you cross the stage, and it's over. The problem with this thinking is that when you have a food addiction, you must always be diligent- you can't be done with your quest. You don't get a diploma for achieving your weight loss and consider that you've won the race. If you struggle with a disorder of this kind, you will always have it. My physician pointed out some time ago that I notoriously yo-yo diet. I'm up, I'm down- I have gained over 100 pounds twice in my life- it's not something I care to do again. BUT I keep going back to my old ways of thinking that I am done- I've lost the weight, I'm in a good place. Just when I do my celebratory dance, I get complacent and think I've kicked my bad habits, it all comes rushing back with a vengeance and I can't keep it at bay any longer. This has been the case EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I do have to say that I have enjoyed reading the book The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung at the recommendation of a close friend. It basically states that being fat isn't our fault- everyone, even the healthcare industry keeps telling us that we are fat because of calories in and calories out- it's not that simple. There is a much more complex hormonal imbalance that takes place that has set us up for this type of weight loss failure. I encourage you to check it out- I'm not finished yet, but a little over half way and I keep waiting to hear the magic answer of what to do about my genetic make up and lot in life to be overweight.  I'll keep you posted.

As most of you know, I recently took up running again. I am thankful for Jeff Galloway and his method of training since it allows me to run one minute, walk one minute instead of running ridiculous amounts of miles. For me 11 miles is ridiculous, for some of you, it's a walk in the park. While running this past weekend, or I should call it run/walking this past weekend, I noticed that I was by far the heaviest runner on the path- there were quite a few runners out. I noticed this because I ALWAYS notice things like this. I immediately in my head made a name for it, so it is now RWF. Running while fat. I mean this with the most love and respect for myself and where my body has been, where my body is now. It's ok to bring humor to yourself and be humble, friends. Lets just say running isn't easy when things are bouncing up and down and jiggling. If you struggle with the bounce and jiggle, let me give you some words of advice. Wear tight fitting workout clothes, the bounce and jiggle will be less. It won't be gone, but it'll be better. I double up on sports bras and go about my business. I actually had a runner about a week ago come into my personal space, (yes, I'm one that enjoys my personal space when my 3 kids aren't climbing on me) and give me a high 5, saying "good for you!" Hmm, was he saying good for me because I'm RWF? Or was he saying good for me because he saw me out about an hour prior and I was still going? My mind takes me to the RWF, my heart hopes it was the latter. Running has been therapeutic but I can't say that I love it. People talk about this "runners high", I have yet to really experience it. Maybe when I'm running 13.1 in a few weeks? Which, by the way- I'm terrified! I don't know why either. I've been training and I think I'm ready, but the thought of someone that hasn't even hit onederland (another way of saying under 200 pounds), it seems almost impossible and yet I am dragging the whole fam down to Disneyworld to see if I can cross this one off the bucket list. I'm going to remain hopeful for now that I can finish the race without someone pulling me off for taking too long- they have a 16 minute mile max. You'll hear from me either way after that one!

Polyester Gym Shorts

I've been away from this blog for a long time. Let me catch you up to speed. I left off at some fertility issues which were caused almost 100% by my weight at the time. I visited a fertility doctor who told me to lose the weight quickly, he then referred me to a weight loss physician who prescribed me some diet pills that gave me palpitations and made me feel completely unnatural. I decided from there I would go to another fertility Doctor at the recommendation of a friend. I loved this one. She told me that no matter my weight I deserved to complete my family. We were successful on our first try with this Doctor through IUI and now our family is complete with Izzy. I will say that pregnancy was a little different this time because I didn't go crazy and eat everything within reach. I started at about 240 and I got up to 275. I walked a lot with the support of great family and friends and I let myself have things that I was really craving. Oddly enough one of my biggest cravings was ice chips. I know, right? Super strange.
After Isabella was born I took a little time off of eating well and exercising to let my body heal, then I took a little more time and a little more. I was noticing that I was sitting all the time, just holding her and that I would eat more and more each day. I was getting out of control again as I told myself I wouldn't. The numbers on the scale didn't scare me since I had been over 300 pounds before, but I just didn't want to let myself get that far because I knew how much work it would take to get it back off.
My cousin told me about a great fitness community called GCP Mundelein and I went with her to a few classes. Now friends, if I could just tell you- I HATE to exercise. I would rather do laundry and dishes (you all know how much I like to do those things) than to exercise. BUT I did it. I went there at least 2x a week and I was hooked eventually. There was a great judge free fitness community that I found there and I am still going consistently. People are so incredibly supportive and for the first time, I feel athletic and strong. Which brings me to Tom and I deciding this was the year to cross a big one off the bucket list- a Disney Half Marathon. We registered for it and have been training since April. I'm so proud of the training process we have been able to maintain and to even be able to jog double digits in mileage is beyond my comprehension.
Nutrition wise I had been following kept, then low carb and now I'm following weight watchers. Why the diet inconsistency? Well, I have to say that if I'm following any one program for too long, I get bored, complacent and well, you know how that story ends.
Yesterday while I was running I decided to just go wherever my thoughts would take me- it's a lot of thinking at 2 and a half hours minus music. I thought about what I was wearing to run and how when I was in grade school at St. Mary, I couldn't finish the mile fitness test. It made me sad to think that I was so overweight and out of shape during my childhood. It just so happened that the day we were supposed to complete the mile around the football field, I had forgotten my gym uniform. Folks, the loaner uniform didn't fit me, so I remember running in a way too small pair of polyester shorts and a tight white shirt with navy rings around the arms and neck. It was awful, it was embarrassing, I was a sweaty mess and the only kid to not finish in the time allotted. I remember a blister forming on my thighs from my too small shorts rubbing the wrong way. My mind got to thinking about how I was now an adult, years later and I had the opportunity to take control of these things, using the memories that shaped me to be the person I am today. I could run freely and gasp even enjoy it, and I could still wear an XL and be comfortable in my own skin. Now, I will share with you that I am not perfect, I have a problem with binge eating and I always will. I suppose that what I have learned from my last blog post back 2016 until now. I do and will always be a binge eater, I compulsively think about food and sometimes it is bigger than I can be. I am working on it. I am making progress.

Right off that wagon

I can't say this is an unfamiliar feeling, I've been here before; it's called failure. It's cyclical really, get on a diet; stay on diet; do well on diet; hit a road block; fail miserably; stay in said roadblock and take all that hard work and throw it in the trash. That is what happens when you have a binge eating disorder. I was doing really well, right up until we went on vacation; our cruise was wonderful and we had a fantastic time but I let the reigns go just a little there, then a little more when we got home during the holidays and now I'm in full blown bad choice mode. Every morning is a bit of the same story, I get up with the best of intentions that this will be the day I get back on the plan and do what I need to do, eat well, exercise. I start well with either some oatmeal or eggs but then I get in on what the kids leftover and then perhaps a drive through trip and since I've blown it already for the day, I continue down that awful path of eating and over eating until I feel so full I am sick to my stomach.

With all that being said, I haven't stepped back on the scale. My clothes still fit but they are tighter than they were and I can tell that I have put some weight back on. I will not be stepping on the scale any time soon though, especially since I'm one piece of bad news away from a binge fest.

I promised I would share the good, bad, ugly with you. This is ugly but I will persevere. I have a few ideas for plans to get back on track but it will take me some time. This is a very stressful time for me and my Doctoral program, that isn't helping either since I'm down to the wire with deadlines and such. I just have to keep in the back of my mind that I will get through this and I will get back on track. I did it once before, I will do it again.