Resolutions

Why is it that it's the end of February and I'm still trying to wrap my head around not having a New Year's Resolution. Each and every year for as long as I can remember, I've tried to give something up in order to lose weight. Now that my mindset has shifted to not necessarily losing a ton of weight, but trying to be more healthy, I feel less of a sense of urgency in my resolutions. I actually did tell myself in the New Year, I was going to give up diet soda. I did it for a few weeks and then caved when I saw a delicious diet doctor pepper, it was worth it friends, it was gooooood. I then rationalized this decision by telling myself that nothing should be off limits, and that I need to just do the whole moderation thing again. I feel like this mindset has gotten me in trouble before. Time will tell.

I can tell you that I have some good news, I finally hit that magic number my Doctor and I agreed upon almost 2 and a half years ago- 175 pounds. I will also tell you that I don't feel completely finished on my weight loss journey. I struggle, EVERYDAY, not just some days or some hours. I have an eating disorder, it will never disappear and is always sitting right in the back of my mind. I am trying to very carefully not transfer my food addiction to something else this time around as well. If you've struggled with any form of addiction, you know this happens easily. I was reminded that the new WW program talks about your "why". I've thought about it, and I can't articulate exactly what my why is, but I can say is that it's a culmination of many of the things I've talked about here on this blog. If you've read it, you can see that the past few years I've been writing, I've gone up, down, up, down, and way back up and then way down again. It can almost make you sea sick to follow this journey.
I am often encouraged by reading other people's goals, but the whole "I want to fit in a size, x", or "I want to fly without the seatbelt expander", those are no longer things that would motivate me, and finding your why is all about motivation. I suppose I can break it down to my why not- why not to continue the destructive path I had chosen for myself- why not to model the kind of food choices and behaviors I was opting for, in hopes for something better for my kids. When it comes down to it, my why is for my kids- not the jeans, not the vacation bikini, not even the lifetime achievement award through WW where you get to stop paying for your membership. My why is to be here- physically- because at over 300 pounds I know my life expectancy wasn't going to be what I wanted. My kids are the ones that motivate me- they see me eat well, they eat well. They see me head off to the gym, they want to be active. Although I don't want to say that embarrassments of the past have motivated me, they really have. I don't want my kids to endure the embarrassment of their friend drawing a "fat Mom pic" of me, and although this happened years ago, it stuck with me.  Poor Tommy felt so bad, he was in tears over the whole mess. It's not on him to fight my battles. No, we can't protect them from everything and everyone, but it is up to me to model the way.
This is my why.

Is it cheat day or binge day?

It's a fine line, friends. I found myself turning a day of grazing on foods I usually avoid, to self proclaiming that it was my cheat day. First of all, shouldn't it be a cheat meal, not a cheat day? Yes, I do restrict myself to stay within the low carb area, but that is intentional for me FOR NOW. I may not always need to do so, however, sugar is my trigger, and I cannot have a healthy relationship with foods containing sugar at this time. I have just started to incorporate berries back in to my diet as they are a lower sugar fruit.
So, what is the difference between a cheat day or a binge day? I have overheard people at my gym say they're going to have a cheat meal by ordering pizza, and then it occurred to me that if we put a negative connotation to it, we are going to make it a negative experience, and I don't need anymore help on that. As someone who has a binge eating problem that mostly does it in private as not to be ashamed in front of people, it is a real struggle to be able to eat certain foods in moderation. I almost feel like if I call it a cheat day, I will inevitably make it something unhealthy for myself in the long run. When I had my self proclaimed cheat day, it turned in to a mega binge, and I cannot afford to do that to myself after having made so much progress. It started with popcorn, then quickly went to oreos, cereal, chocolate that wasn't even all that good, pop tarts, and that is just the beginning. I went swiftly down the rabbit hole. I did step on the scale the next day and noticed a change, not for the better- but this time it didn't seem to make an impact on my next steps. This is where I would get caught up in the past, I would tell myself that since I was already in a binge cycle, I may as well just continue on with it until it was over...then I realized, I have the power to end it and not let the cycle continue.
Why am I sharing this? Because this is the absolute first time in my memory that I can remember having a binge that was just one day in length, and it wasn't actually the entire day either. No, I'm not happy that I did have a binge, but boy am I proud that it didn't last weeks and months as in the past.

Progress, not perfection.

A work in progress...

It's been a while since I have posted, but I really want to be intentional and transparent- if I don't have anything to say, I won't write for the sake of writing. I went to a family wedding for my husband's side a couple weeks ago, and it really got me to thinking about the journey I have been on for the past several years. I try hard not to live in the past, but if I'm being honest, I can tell you that I would dread being invited to weddings- sometimes even declining due to my weight, the way I looked, and most incredulously, the way I felt. I would stress for weeks about who I would see, what would they think when they saw me now, would they recognize me? Would they take pity on me and my 300 pound frame? The anxious being in me came up with every scenario, and none of it was positive. I would spend lots of time looking online for a plus size dress (plus size dresses have come a long way, but it hasn't always been that way), would I still be ordering an 18 when I damn well knew that I would be busting from the seams, but my stubborn German self would never order a 20 for fear of admission that it's where I really was at the time. Then it would come to the dinner, I LOVE FOOD, friends, I just do. I love every part of wedding food, from the appetizers, to the salad, soup, dinner and my absolute favorite...the wedding cake. I don't mind a glass or two of champagne either! The rub with this, is that I never actually could enjoy the food at a wedding either- why? Because I was too busy worrying about what everyone else would think of me at the table, were they watching me? Did they think about how much I was eating and eat less because they didn't want to end up like me? It's a wicked, wicked cycle. Let's flash forward to life now and me trying to come to terms with my relationship with food and the anxiety it brings me. So, we went to Tom’s cousins wedding, it was beautiful, the couple was so thoughtful in all their details. Still, weeks in advance, I ordered  2 dresses, one in a size that I knew would fit me, and one in the size that I wish I was. Who does that ladies and gentlemen? It's pure torture to have a dress sitting in front of you for weeks (mine came in 2 weeks early, which I guess I should say Thanks Rent the Runway?) and know for certain that you shouldn't even be trying it on because it's not going to fit you? With all the self discipline and hard work I have done, why would I put myself in a position to feel bad about myself and my body? But I still chose to do that. I went ahead and only tried on the size I knew wouldn't fit 3 times, and guess what- it didn't fit any of those times. However, I decided to proudly wear what I planned and did my best not to critique myself. In fact, I haven't worn a sleeveless gown in about 9 years, and this time I did it- with minimal judgment from myself. Don't worry, I only deleted one Facebook picture because I couldn't stand the look of the loose skin from my arm hanging down. Just for reference and honesty, I am at 189 and a size 14, I have been up and down quite a bit, so loose skin is an issue for me. Come dinner time, I was calm and collected as I passed on the potatoes and wedding cake and yes, even the salad because it had a vinaigrette that I could tell had enough sugar to put me in a place to say- the hell with it, I'm eating whatever I want tonight. I thought back to some reading I have been doing lately, at the suggestion of a close friend- I just finished a book called Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst, something she wrote really stuck with me, it was about knowing where you are at. For example, if I know that just a little sugar from a vinaigrette dressing is going to lead me down the rabbit hole of binge eating, then why would I put myself in that position if I'm not ready to handle it? I have in the past said, oh the hell with it, I'm going to have that blizzard because I deserve it and it's delicious. However, it may have taken me days, weeks or even months to get out of the binge cycle. That is something I am not willing to do to myself at this time, and I hope that someday I will be able to be in a place where I can have a blizzard and move along back to my healthy eating lifestyle, but I am aware enough to know that now is not that time.
I am trying to focus on being grateful for the body I have and how strong I have become, and of course, what my body allows for me to be able to accomplish these days; being active with my kids, running a half marathon, making it through difficult workout classes. However, it is taking hard work in every decision I make with food, harder than I thought. Be grateful and be in the moment- if I think too far ahead, or too far in the past, it puts me in an unhealthy place. Sometimes I feel bad that I think about myself and my issues before I think about the fact that I am there to celebrate someone else at their special event, but those of you who struggle with binge eating or any other type of eating disorders or even those of you that struggle with anxiety probably understand that it is well beyond my control. It doesn't make me any less happy for the couple or even person celebrating an occasion, it is just my process for now. I say for now, because I look for a day that I can break free. If you struggle with some of these issues like I do, or if you have felt the pain or disappointment that I have felt, I am here to tell you that you are not alone, you are beautiful, you are worthy of all the love you can receive.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

It occurred to me the other day that I haven't written my snarky comments to the inter webs lately...so here you go!
I have been staying consistent with a fitness routine lately, even past the half marathon, which let me tell you...I'M SHOCKED. I hated movement more than anyone I know and can honestly say that I've kept up with running twice a week and going to GCP twice a week and I am totally happy with that for now. I thought that as soon as my goal of running a half marathon was over, that I would be dunzo and never to be seen on the running path again, but I was wrong. I was wrong, and I'm grateful for that.
Eating is another story. Guess what? I'm still a binge eating food addicted, flawed human being. I mean this with the utmost respect for where I've been and where I'm headed. I went back to weight watchers (now I guess they call it WW) a few weeks back and was able to lose 10 pounds, but if I'm being honest, I had gained that during the 2 weeks leading up to the holidays. With counting points and staying around my daily point values (I usually ate more than what I was supposed to) and with the exercise regimen, I was able to lose the weight. BUT for some reason, this week I couldn't stay out of my pantry and my fridge and since honesty is policy here, I couldn't stay out of the drive thru's either. Some of you know I was no stranger to the drive thru experience, sometimes stopping at 3 different drive thrus in the same sitting, pretending I had lots of people in the back of the van that I was ordering for. Usually, it was just me. All I can say is that if I look for the positive in the experience from this past week, I didn't binge as badly or on the things that I used to binge on. Meaning, in the past years when I would go get a big mac, some fries, a mcflurry, a starbucks cake pop and frappe, then hit up taco bell.. you get the picture. Yesterday I did get myself a starbucks cake pop, I had some pancakes because they are delicious, grabbed a salad in between, had some honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces and that was just the first third of the day. When I really took a hard look at my day, I wasn't happy with myself, I wasn't pleased, and I sure as heck didn't find what I was looking for. In fact, I don't know what I was looking for, but everything I ate was an attempt to fill some sort of void and it failed- It didn't do one thing for me. I suppose that's why I kept searching, kept eating until I felt like I would either feel full, satisfied or gasp, happy. Now, God has given me many, countless blessings. I am grateful for my beautiful children, my husband, my entire family and  loyal friends that support me each day. However, with all this support, with all the time, energy, and money spent on trying to get rid of and combat this addiction to food and binge eating, it's still there. It bothers the hell out of me that it's one of the only things in my life that I can't get under control. Sometimes it lays dormant, sometimes it is raging, but it is always there. Maybe if I start to accept that it won't ever be gone, I will be much happier with the relationship I have with food? I honestly don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that I am listening to myself, my body, my heart and my soul after these binge sessions and they leave me feeling nothing but empty and sick. When I was really struggling, I remember a time when I ate so much I physically became ill and vomited form all the eating. TMI? Sorry! It's your choice to read past that part. I haven't been back to that place, which makes me believe that although this will never be gone, I'm in a better place than I used to be.
I recently had someone tell me that it was hard to believe that I had an issue with eating, since I seemed to be pretty fit and looked good physically. This made me think, how many others out there are struggling with this but don't physically look like it, so they keep it all inside for themselves. If you are that person, I see you, I feel you and I know you. I really thank those of you that have complimented me on the hard work and the changes that you can and can't see, it does make me feel better about things and actually motivates me to stay on track.

Thanks for all your support along this journey, friends.

Same cardigan, different body

So I was reading a motivational weight loss article about triggers this past week, and it got me to thinking...What are my triggers? What are the triggers for a person who struggles with food addiction? It's everything! Parties, celebrations, sadness, passing a mcdonalds, putting my shoes on, it really doesn't matter to me- it's all a trigger. I have probably mentioned this on more than one occasion, but when someone struggles with a food addiction, they can't actually avoid what they are addicted to. We need food to live, and it is inevitably part of everyday life. I am hyper aware of how I act around food, what I eat around those I work with, what I eat around my children, because I hope to God they never have to struggle the way I do each and every day. Working around college students everyday is a unique arena- I recently overhead a conversation between a group of ladies in the cafeteria that stuck with me. "No, she said she has an eating disorder, but she is too fat to have one." They were discussing a friend not sitting at the table. WHAT???? It took everything within me not to turn around and have it out with a group of teenagers. Eating disorders are painful, and they are not reserved for any specific body type. They do not know race, religion or sexuality. They find everyone and anyone.
This girl in the picture, I know her- I know that unhappy look on her face and I know that she is not comfortable in her own skin.  No, this is not my heaviest, no, I didn't have any reason to be particularly anxious or unhappy to cause my ballooning for the 5th time in my life (at least). I had every reason to be content in my life, but it wasn't my life that I was unhappy with, it was my anxiety and binge eating disorder. I have had people, someone in my own family ask, "how can you have it together in every other aspect of your life but not when it comes to your weight?" I have honestly had someone say "how can you get your doctorate, write a book, hold a decent job and raise 3 kids, but you can't get your food issues under control?" This got me to thinking; I keep believing that every time I lose, I DO have it under control. That seems to be where my error lies, that I treat the result of weight loss as an ending achievement. Just like achieving a degree, you cross the stage, and it's over. The problem with this thinking is that when you have a food addiction, you must always be diligent- you can't be done with your quest. You don't get a diploma for achieving your weight loss and consider that you've won the race. If you struggle with a disorder of this kind, you will always have it. My physician pointed out some time ago that I notoriously yo-yo diet. I'm up, I'm down- I have gained over 100 pounds twice in my life- it's not something I care to do again. BUT I keep going back to my old ways of thinking that I am done- I've lost the weight, I'm in a good place. Just when I do my celebratory dance, I get complacent and think I've kicked my bad habits, it all comes rushing back with a vengeance and I can't keep it at bay any longer. This has been the case EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I do have to say that I have enjoyed reading the book The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung at the recommendation of a close friend. It basically states that being fat isn't our fault- everyone, even the healthcare industry keeps telling us that we are fat because of calories in and calories out- it's not that simple. There is a much more complex hormonal imbalance that takes place that has set us up for this type of weight loss failure. I encourage you to check it out- I'm not finished yet, but a little over half way and I keep waiting to hear the magic answer of what to do about my genetic make up and lot in life to be overweight.  I'll keep you posted.

As most of you know, I recently took up running again. I am thankful for Jeff Galloway and his method of training since it allows me to run one minute, walk one minute instead of running ridiculous amounts of miles. For me 11 miles is ridiculous, for some of you, it's a walk in the park. While running this past weekend, or I should call it run/walking this past weekend, I noticed that I was by far the heaviest runner on the path- there were quite a few runners out. I noticed this because I ALWAYS notice things like this. I immediately in my head made a name for it, so it is now RWF. Running while fat. I mean this with the most love and respect for myself and where my body has been, where my body is now. It's ok to bring humor to yourself and be humble, friends. Lets just say running isn't easy when things are bouncing up and down and jiggling. If you struggle with the bounce and jiggle, let me give you some words of advice. Wear tight fitting workout clothes, the bounce and jiggle will be less. It won't be gone, but it'll be better. I double up on sports bras and go about my business. I actually had a runner about a week ago come into my personal space, (yes, I'm one that enjoys my personal space when my 3 kids aren't climbing on me) and give me a high 5, saying "good for you!" Hmm, was he saying good for me because I'm RWF? Or was he saying good for me because he saw me out about an hour prior and I was still going? My mind takes me to the RWF, my heart hopes it was the latter. Running has been therapeutic but I can't say that I love it. People talk about this "runners high", I have yet to really experience it. Maybe when I'm running 13.1 in a few weeks? Which, by the way- I'm terrified! I don't know why either. I've been training and I think I'm ready, but the thought of someone that hasn't even hit onederland (another way of saying under 200 pounds), it seems almost impossible and yet I am dragging the whole fam down to Disneyworld to see if I can cross this one off the bucket list. I'm going to remain hopeful for now that I can finish the race without someone pulling me off for taking too long- they have a 16 minute mile max. You'll hear from me either way after that one!

Polyester Gym Shorts

I've been away from this blog for a long time. Let me catch you up to speed. I left off at some fertility issues which were caused almost 100% by my weight at the time. I visited a fertility doctor who told me to lose the weight quickly, he then referred me to a weight loss physician who prescribed me some diet pills that gave me palpitations and made me feel completely unnatural. I decided from there I would go to another fertility Doctor at the recommendation of a friend. I loved this one. She told me that no matter my weight I deserved to complete my family. We were successful on our first try with this Doctor through IUI and now our family is complete with Izzy. I will say that pregnancy was a little different this time because I didn't go crazy and eat everything within reach. I started at about 240 and I got up to 275. I walked a lot with the support of great family and friends and I let myself have things that I was really craving. Oddly enough one of my biggest cravings was ice chips. I know, right? Super strange.
After Isabella was born I took a little time off of eating well and exercising to let my body heal, then I took a little more time and a little more. I was noticing that I was sitting all the time, just holding her and that I would eat more and more each day. I was getting out of control again as I told myself I wouldn't. The numbers on the scale didn't scare me since I had been over 300 pounds before, but I just didn't want to let myself get that far because I knew how much work it would take to get it back off.
My cousin told me about a great fitness community called GCP Mundelein and I went with her to a few classes. Now friends, if I could just tell you- I HATE to exercise. I would rather do laundry and dishes (you all know how much I like to do those things) than to exercise. BUT I did it. I went there at least 2x a week and I was hooked eventually. There was a great judge free fitness community that I found there and I am still going consistently. People are so incredibly supportive and for the first time, I feel athletic and strong. Which brings me to Tom and I deciding this was the year to cross a big one off the bucket list- a Disney Half Marathon. We registered for it and have been training since April. I'm so proud of the training process we have been able to maintain and to even be able to jog double digits in mileage is beyond my comprehension.
Nutrition wise I had been following kept, then low carb and now I'm following weight watchers. Why the diet inconsistency? Well, I have to say that if I'm following any one program for too long, I get bored, complacent and well, you know how that story ends.
Yesterday while I was running I decided to just go wherever my thoughts would take me- it's a lot of thinking at 2 and a half hours minus music. I thought about what I was wearing to run and how when I was in grade school at St. Mary, I couldn't finish the mile fitness test. It made me sad to think that I was so overweight and out of shape during my childhood. It just so happened that the day we were supposed to complete the mile around the football field, I had forgotten my gym uniform. Folks, the loaner uniform didn't fit me, so I remember running in a way too small pair of polyester shorts and a tight white shirt with navy rings around the arms and neck. It was awful, it was embarrassing, I was a sweaty mess and the only kid to not finish in the time allotted. I remember a blister forming on my thighs from my too small shorts rubbing the wrong way. My mind got to thinking about how I was now an adult, years later and I had the opportunity to take control of these things, using the memories that shaped me to be the person I am today. I could run freely and gasp even enjoy it, and I could still wear an XL and be comfortable in my own skin. Now, I will share with you that I am not perfect, I have a problem with binge eating and I always will. I suppose that what I have learned from my last blog post back 2016 until now. I do and will always be a binge eater, I compulsively think about food and sometimes it is bigger than I can be. I am working on it. I am making progress.

Right off that wagon

I can't say this is an unfamiliar feeling, I've been here before; it's called failure. It's cyclical really, get on a diet; stay on diet; do well on diet; hit a road block; fail miserably; stay in said roadblock and take all that hard work and throw it in the trash. That is what happens when you have a binge eating disorder. I was doing really well, right up until we went on vacation; our cruise was wonderful and we had a fantastic time but I let the reigns go just a little there, then a little more when we got home during the holidays and now I'm in full blown bad choice mode. Every morning is a bit of the same story, I get up with the best of intentions that this will be the day I get back on the plan and do what I need to do, eat well, exercise. I start well with either some oatmeal or eggs but then I get in on what the kids leftover and then perhaps a drive through trip and since I've blown it already for the day, I continue down that awful path of eating and over eating until I feel so full I am sick to my stomach.

With all that being said, I haven't stepped back on the scale. My clothes still fit but they are tighter than they were and I can tell that I have put some weight back on. I will not be stepping on the scale any time soon though, especially since I'm one piece of bad news away from a binge fest.

I promised I would share the good, bad, ugly with you. This is ugly but I will persevere. I have a few ideas for plans to get back on track but it will take me some time. This is a very stressful time for me and my Doctoral program, that isn't helping either since I'm down to the wire with deadlines and such. I just have to keep in the back of my mind that I will get through this and I will get back on track. I did it once before, I will do it again.

What if?

Sometimes I think what if... What if I wasn't consumed by the thought of food 24/7? What if I wasn't always concerned about my weight, my food addiction. I spend a lot of time looking at others and wonder if they too are consumed with the thought of food and how it can control their lives, I wonder if they too struggle with depression and anxiety even though they have so much to be grateful for in their lives.
We all have our issues, we all have our "thing" that consumes us from time to time. I had the privilege of going away for a couple days to one of our favorite vacation spots last weekend- VEGAS! I was nervous for a few reasons: Those of you who know me, know that I have a serious fear of flying and a serious irrational fear (although just a few months ago I wouldn't have called this irrational) of not fitting in the seat. I've played the scene out in my head about a million times- the flight attendant very publicly comes up to me and tells me that I need to buy another seat, or use a seat belt extender. None of this has ever happened to me, but in my mind it has. A few milestones happened in Vegas this past weekend that I thought I should share. I hit up my favorite buffet at the Wynn which I was both excited and worried about. I hoped I would be able to stop myself from making too many trips back to the buffet line and I was worried that I would choose the wrong foods. At first I didn't even look at the dessert area and then I thought, seriously Nicole? Not even look at the desserts? So I tested myself and went over to my favorite area. I took more than I should have, brought it to the table and took one bite out of each dessert I wanted to try. I'm going to call this a success. I didn't finish things that weren't amazing just because it was there and GASP, I actually left food in my plate. This is huge for me and what is even more shocking is that one of the days, I actually forgot about lunch. This is not typical at all for me, but for once I wasn't completely planning everything around my food intake. There was so much do see, do, hear that I was really not thinking about food all the time.
I did weigh in when I got back, just go keep myself honest and I lost another 2 pounds which brings me to 57 pounds and some change. I'm thankful that I made it though Thanksgiving and a vacation to my favorite spot without completely screwing everything up.

The big 5-0

Well friends, it happened. I stepped on the scale last week for the much anticipated 50 pound weight loss mark and guess what? I didn't make it. Instead of crying my eyes out, I brushed the dust off my shoulders and kept on chuggin'. I stepped on the scale this week and I made it- down 50 pounds and 6 ounces to be exact. I guess I'll come out with it this time and disclose that I started this journey at 291. Not my heaviest, but certainly close. I am now 240.6 and I'm feeling well. Some days are better than others and I still have a food addition- that will never go away. Cravings come and go but it's getting easier. I'm making better choices and I think it's all due to control. Having some control over oneself and the choices one makes is one of the hardest parts about being an adult.
I have set the goal officially with weight watchers of 200. My personal goal is truly to be at least 199- yes, I know it's not about the number but it sure would be swell to be under the 200 mark. I haven't seen that on the scale since before Tommy. You all know me, so you're proabaly not surprised that I went to reward myself. I went to White House Black Market and did some damage, but boy was just happy as a clam to fit into some of their clothes. Don't worry too much, I stayed in the clearance section.
I'll keep you all posted while I continue this journey.

Just a little at a time...

Well friends, I weighed in today like every Monday and to my surprise, I lost 3.8 pounds. Huge success for me, but still had a little voice in the back of my mind saying "wouldn't it have been nice if this week was the big 5-0?" Not sure I did anything different this week than the other weeks, but I'll take it and run with it. My total now is 49.6 lost; lets not get too excited, I'm still waaaaaayyyy overweight...BUT, I see myself making some lifestyle choices that are growing on me and slowly becoming a part of my daily routine. For one, there is more produce in my house and much less on the processed foods front. I think my family is benefiting from this too. I will say that the addition piece hasn't gotten much easier. I struggle with ways to cope when I'm feeling anxious, sad, depressed, excited... I think you get the point. I have found that I fill the food void by doing things that I probably shouldn't, like shopping and buying useless things. I'd love to say that I've replaced the void with exercise or meditation but I'm just going to be honest here- I haven't. I am struggling to find that one thing to take on that gives me a little bit of relief. I just completed the first 3 chapters of my dissertation and I thought that writing would be therapeutic for me, but instead that has proved to be a huge stressor that makes me want to eat more. I really want to hear from you all...what do you do to fill your "void" or "emptiness". For me, it used to be food but as I look for other things to quiet me down I find that they aren't always the best choices, for example- wine. Now, I did read an article that says a glass of red wine a day is like exercising, but I'm thinking the jury is still out on that one.

Mistakes, I've made a few

Well folks, I haven't written in a while but my silence doesn't mean failure. I'm 45 pounds down now and I'm feeling really good. I have made some mistakes and had some slip ups along this journey but I need to keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle, not another quick fix. I'm keeping diligent about weighing in at weight watchers but I am no longer counting points. I have been following a higher protein, no sugar (except stevia and some fruit), low carb diet and most of my cravings are now gone. I have had a few occasions where I really couldn't resist, so I did have a few beers or a couple bites of ice cream cake. I have been able to stop myself though, which is a huge step for me. I am a compulsive over eater, humbly I must always remind myself of this fact in order to be honest with myself. I want to thank those of you who have reached out to me with your own stories of food struggles, it keeps me motivated and humbled.
I was at Germanfest this weekend, the beer was flowing and the brats were calling my name. I didn't deprive myself, ate the brat and sauerkraut, no bun. I did have one...ok more than one beer and I didn't feel sick the next day from overdoing it. My Mom took me to go buy a new Dirndl, because all the Dirndls I have are quite small from my high school days. I was actually really excited, because I love wearing ethnic clothing and it's always been a big part of my life. However, I stepped into the store and the owner looked at me and quickly told me that she "didn't have any dirndl's in my size". I was mortified, but my Mom bought me a Dirndl anyway and it fit. It was the largest one she had in the store and it was tight but dammit I wore it the next day and I felt like a million bucks. It wasn't a good experience I would ever want to relive again, but I will say that I'm not letting her steal my moment. I felt beautiful. I am reminded consistently that there is much ignorance out there over body shaming and we have so much work to do. I felt disappointed in myself that I was at a loss for words with her, I should have said something so that didn't happen to anyone again. I will however, never shop in that store again.

It's been a looooooooong time.

I'll call it success. I weighed in today and even though I don't count points anymore and haven't for a while I will continue to weigh in to keep myself honest. I also got rid of my scale in the house because I was becoming too obsessed with it, so at least once a week I'll know where I stand. I have now lost a total of 40.8 pounds and guess what? I still felt like it wasn't enough. Immediately my mind was racing and saying "well Nicole, it could've been 50 already if you hadn't fallen off the wagon so many times". You know what? My inner voice is right, I could've bypassed 50 a while back if I stayed on track BUT I could also be at plus 50 right now, and that is where I would have been headed had I not gotten my $&*# together. My work outs are inconsistent at best right now, but I think I have really done a good job kicking my sugar habit. There have been 2 occasions now where Tom and I have gone out with friends and I have been able to take 1 bite, a small bite of a dessert and then move along with my life instead of sticking my face in the dessert and then hitting the drive through on my way home. The great thing is that I have had a lot of time to really think about food and my eating habits while I have been abstaining from sugar and most carbs. I used to grab food because I was bored, lonely, anxious, tired, happy...you get the idea. Now that I don't have that, I try to at least think about the feeling that I'm having so I can start to get to the root of the problem. I also try to substitute as much liquid as I can for food so I know I'm hydrated and so I am still filling myself up with something.
My problem is also moderation- with EVERYTHING! Why is it that I can't go to the store and buy 1 pair of shoes or have just 1 french fry or have 1 cheeseburger. I can't stop myself, I have a problem with moderation and I'm laying it all out there. My biggest problem with moderation is food though, through and through. I remember being at a cousin's birthday party and I cut a piece of cake for myself (I love store bought cake with the cheap buttercream icing) the cake was an enormous piece and I huddled myself in the corner where people couldn't really see my eating habits. Well, one person who I won't name here did say something to me and it stuck with me. She was telling me that the size I cut myself wasn't a normal piece. She was right, it was about 3 times the size I should have had- especially having weighed in at over 300 pounds at that time. I remember it so vividly and not in a bad way either, I remember it because I need to reference what normal is...because I don't know. I can't sense that I'm full all the time, I just keep going and going- so to think about what might be perceived as normal is actually a good practice for me.

So far so good

After reading quite a few journals and articles regarding food addiction and how cutting out sugars and carbohydrates that aren't naturally found in our fruits and veggies can help- I can honestly say that I'm feeling good. I had a few days where I didn't think I was going to make it, especially when some of my trigger foods were around me. There have been a few celebrations since I've started this, they serve as pesky triggers for me as well, and I can honestly say I've been able to make it through. With that being said, I am down 9 pounds from when I started this sugar elimination diet and have finally hit my 10% weight loss goal at weight watchers. I was close a little over a month ago, but didn't hit it because I had gained a few back.

I still have about a can of pop a day, i'm drinking my coffee with creamer  and I do eat fruits (all of them) along with all veggies. It amazes me the more I look at food labels how much sugar is really in all of what we eat. I will also say that I am realizing that my artificial sugar found in diet coke tends to trigger cravings as well but at least I have cut way back. Not ready to let that go quite yet. I had a nice honest talk with my weight watchers leader this week, she knows I'm a serial yoyo dieter and asked me if I changed my mind on my goal weight. I haven't. My Doc just wants me to be at 200 and I am fine with that too, especially because I tend to set unrealistic goals for myself which lead me to balloon back up and start the cycle again. I have some ways to go but I'm feeling optimistic. I've been doing lots of salads, always with protein on top such as chicken salad, tuna salad, or broccoli salad with bacon. I've also started bringing snacks with me to work like cottage cheese and blueberries sprinkled with stevia which is delicious if you haven't tried it.

I will say that I realize more each day how connected I am to food. Since starting eliminating sugar, I have really been a beast to be around. I've had mood swings and I'm all sorts of irritable without my coping mechanism of food and binge eating. It's really a struggle everyday but I keep telling myself that it is worth it.

Mommy has a fat butt

Yes, friends that's exactly what my precious 4 year old said to my husband last week. He didn't mean it in a vindictive way, he said it matter of fact, and you know what? He's right. It gave me some motivation to get back on that wagon and start over. I thought to myself, what helped me lose 170 pounds just years ago? Go low carb again. So that's exactly what I did and it has really helped me to be more mindful of my eating. It has also helped me to re-introduce myself with hunger. I hate the feeling of hunger and that is exactly what I've been feeling this week. Although, I do have to say that I have eaten every time I have felt that feeling, I've just made different choices with what went in my mouth. I've cut any sugar that isn't fruit and all the flour and bread products.

I am not one of those crazy no fruit, no corn people though...no  this has to be absolutely sustainable for me if I'm going to work. It also helped me to remember why I was so successful cutting carbs last time, I'm obviously carb sensitive and thats what makes me gain weight. What's more is that carbs are my drug of choice and once I start with the sugar and the bread, I can't stop myself and end up with a binge that lasts for years; just like what got me here today. I haven't stepped on the scale but I have had 3 people (yes, I count) tell me that I'm looking different. I'm also feeling different, more confident and have picked up getting physical again. This made me realize how very sluggish the carbs have been making me and with me stuffing my face with dunkin donuts, mcdonalds and every other sweet that my mother insists on making- it made me a zombie. I'm sleeping great, eating well and can almost keep up with the kids again. I plan on weighing in on monday, so keep me in your thoughts because we all know that the number on the scale can discourage me and ruin my streak here if it doesn't say what I think it should say. I need to keep myself honest and see if this is working, otherwise I wouldn't even bother going to weigh in.

Withdrawal

Well ladies and gents, I didn't weigh in this week due to craziness with the kiddos schedules, but I do know that I wouldn't want to see what the scale says anyways. I know I'm not back up to where I started this time but I do know that I was feeling unmotivated until I saw my friend's blog about whole 30. I am motivated by other people's success and after researching more about whole 30, I decided it's not quite for me but what is for me is to go back to my low carb lifestyle for a while until I can lose a little more weight to motivate myself to get back on track. Yes, that's right; losing weight motivates me to lose more weight. When I do the low carb deal, I still eat fruits and veggies and I don't go all Atkins or anything, I mostly stick with low fat meats and cheeses. I still have my coffee with just a touch of regular coffee creamer in the morning, because it's what I wake up for and I am not a pretty sight without it. In fact, I think my 4 year old even recognizes when I haven't had my coffee yet.
With that said, I'm hungry as hell. Hungry for the things that of course I have tried to cut out, like refined sugars, flour, breads, rice, etc. You get the idea. However, I will tell you that strawberries and blueberries never tasted so sweet! It's like eating candy. Sorry, I lied. It's not like eating candy, but it is sweet as heck and I am shocked at how much I am enjoying fruit. Today, I even decided that I would prepare one veggie per day to have around the house to snack. I made roasted carrots in the oven today, they were delish. Hard core low to no carbers would tell you that I shouldn't have my sweet potatoes or watermelon. I just can't roll that way, I need to still have foods that I enjoy within reason: otherwise I will without question end up binge eating all the things that I haven't been eating and then some. I had such success with eating low carb several years ago that I forgot why I stopped doing that. It was definitely something I could handle and helped me get a hold on my food addiction. I have a sugar addiction for sure, so this is good for me. Yes, I'm a bit crabbier than usual and yes, I go from 0-100 on the hunger scale in a matter of seconds. The first day I tried this, I attempted to cut my diet coke habit too. BAD IDEA! Don't recommend going cold turkey. I decided that I would let myself have one diet pop a day, that has been much better for me.

I haven't exactly been great about working out lately, in fact I'm lazier than usual. One thing at a time, I suppose. I can't do it all at once since this is not a quick fix but a lifestyle change. My husband and I have been considering baby #3. However, I will preface this by saying part of me doesn't know if we will forge ahead due to my weight issues. With all the yoyo dieting and up and down weight gains and losses, I am not sure it's a healthy move to go ahead and lose weight just to put it right back on during a pregnancy and then attempt to lose it again after. However, we are considering the possibility of another baby and I know that being the weight I am, it's a bad idea. With gestational diabetes, hypertension and probably many other issues that you could google- it's all looming over my head when I think about babies. In fact, I saw a relatively obese woman at the mall the other day who was pregnant and I automatically thought to myself- what the heck is this woman thinking? Why would she put herself and her baby at risk like that? I stopped myself because people may have looked at me and thought the same thing during my last pregnancy. That woman could be me.

One motivation for this new lifestyle of low carb which I am trying is because we had some people over a couple weeks ago and one of the little kids my son was playing with drew a picture of our family. The sweet kid was drawing me as bigger than Tommy thought she should, so he got all upset and bent out of shape that she was drawing me ugly. This is one of the things I've dreaded, the day that my kid discovers that I'm fat. No really, he doesn't see me like that when he looks at me like that. It's others that teach him to see me like that, he learns that I'm fat. He wasn't born knowing or thinking I was fat. It was definitely a conversation we had to have, since he was so upset about it. It breaks my heart that he had to get so worked up about something that I've done to myself and that I struggle with daily. In fact, as I got him from the bus today in my yoga pants and t-shirt, I was immediately covering myself because I thought about how all the kids would see me crossing the street to get him from the bus and they would probably say something about me the next day on the bus. I don't want to do this to him and it only gets worse as they get older because kids can be mean and they often say what they think without considering the consequences.

It could always be worse

So, it's been a while since I've posted. Not because I've gotten too busy, but I've fallen off the wagon. I felt embarrassed to put in writing that I stopped tracking and counting points, only to stuff my face with things that I haven't really allowed myself to have these past few months. In fact, I went to weight in on Monday, which I was proud of doing because I certainly knew things weren't going to be pretty. I sat in the parking lot, in my car and thought up countless reasons why I shouldn't go inside to step on that scale. I actually became so anxious that I started eating the bag of baked cheetos my son brought into the car the day before. Funny thing is, I turned my head to eat it in the general direction of the heavy set lady in her car, waiting for weight watchers to open; not the skinny lady to my left.  Eventhough I knew I wouldn't be happy with what I saw, I begrudgingly went inside- stepped on the scale and collected the weeks of themed booklets from the times I didn't show up for the meeting or weigh in. Our leader didn't make me feel bad about my long absence from weight watchers, she just said that it was good I came back. I wanted to be honest with myself and where I was. Well, I've gained about 4 pounds since I last wrote on here. It's not terrible, I thought it was going to be much, much worse. I will say that I kept working out everyday, so that's probably the reason it was 4 pounds, and not 14.
So today when I woke up, I decided I was going to do something different to jump start my weight loss. I was going to avoid all complex carbs and sugars that I know I have a weakness for and I know I crave on a daily basis. Only problem is, the first thing I did was reach for the leftovers of my son's bagel without even thinking. Followed by grabbing a handful of chips that I served with lunch for the boys. Then, to top it all off, they had chicken salad wraps at work, in a big tomato pesto fully carb loaded tortilla; you guessed it, I ate that too. I didn't intend on my day going like that, but it did. Yes, I am a little disappointed in myself but I am not back where I started and there have been times in these past few weeks that I have had something in my hand that I was going to put to my mouth, but I made a conscious effort to put it down or throw it away.
Some days, I have the best of intentions and start out great, only to finish off the day totally angry and disappointed with myself on how I let my will power and motivation go. Then, I had a fleeting thought that there is no rush, there is no race, no competition, no wedding dress to fit into. This is for me, for my kids, for my future and my life. This will always be a struggle but there is no race and no finish line. I have to keep reminding myself of that. No one is going to give me a diploma or a certificate of completion at the end of this journey, because there is no end to this journey. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can stop starting over.

The fat girl shuffle

I was listening to the radio this week and they came out with this "mind blowing" study about weight loss and said that people tend to be thinner if they don't have food around them all the time. No shit! You're saying that if I just don't have food around me, I won't eat it (because the food isn't around me) and then I will be skinny? By Golly! This totally ended my struggle.
Not really, but there is something to be said about it. I noticed today at work that I brought a 2 point ww buffalo pretzels snack and a banana. I ate both within the first half hour of work because they were sitting within arms length and I couldn't stop myself. Not that I really love bananas but I felt the urge to eat them because I knew I would eat them eventually and I also knew that I had put them in my tracker already.
Lets just say, in about 2 hours I'm going to be hungry again and I will wish I had those snacks I brought for myself. Don't worry, I won't be hungry for long- I will find something. I'm resourceful like that.
This week I stayed the exact same at my weekly weigh in. I call that a success, not because I stayed the same but because I didn't punish myself for it. Formerly, I would have been so upset with myself that I would have eaten my emotional self into a drunken food stupor and started the cycle of shame. I didn't do that this time, so lets celebrate that. Not with food.
I am however a little nervous about Mother's Day- especially because I heard my Mom on the phone with Deerfields Bakery yesterday ordering cakes for the occasion. Hopefully I can stay strong because I'm really hoping for Monday to be the 30 pounds down milestone.

You have a beautiful face...

It's that dreaded, double meaning of a compliment. "You have such a beautiful face". Well folks, I'm here to tell you that although as kind as you might think you are being when you say this, it's something I've heard for a majority of my life and it's awful. The things that run through my head when someone says this to me: So you're saying I don't have a beautiful anything else? Wow, they really pity me. It goes on and on and I know I'm not the only one out there. It's the struggle of anyone who has ever had any body image issues and there are many of us. We don't feel completely confident in ourselves, so comments like that can really set us off. Amirite? I only say this because I received this "compliment" this week and I was caught off guard because I hadn't heard it in years and I didn't know quite how to respond. It did, however make me think of my childhood.

I remember being a wee little 2nd grader and it was time to look for a communion dress. I'm sure little girls plus sizes have come a long way since I was 7 and yet I'm sure it hasn't come far enough. I wanted to look like all the other girls, cute white dress with sparkles and pearls; the white clutch to match and some semi-high heeled shoes, don't forget the crown and vail. Yet, every time I looked at pictures of myself, I saw none of that. I saw the face of a very unhappy girl stuffed into her dress becasue her parents couldn't find one that fit well. This is just one memory I have of what I'll call "the stuffing". One of my girlfriends in grade school who I thank to this very day for being so kind to me had to help me zip my jeans up while I lay down on her bed. She didn't just have to zip friends, she hoisted. I remember in that moment how she didn't put me down, she was very gentle emotionally with me about that incident but I will never forget it. Being a 7th grader and needing someone to help zip your size 14 jeans up? It wasn't pretty. Not everyone was so gentle though. We had a band director that told me I looked like a stuffed sausage in my uniform that same year. How does someone of authority do that to a child? I remember it like it was yesterday and I suppose I did look like a stuffed sausage in that uniform but he didn't have to tell me- I already knew. He also didn't have to say it in front of the rest of my classmates. It was awful and it motivated me to go on a binge diet that very same week. It wasn't a healthy diet, but I was so embarassed that I knew I needed to do something.

Grade schoolers are very impressionable, lets be kind with our overweight children. You never know how your comments will affect them short and long term.

It's been a while...

So, I haven't updated in a while. Last week on Monday I weighed in with a 2 pound gain, and this week with a 2.6 pound loss. It all evens out right? Not really. If I think of how I could be way ahead instead of struggling with the same numbers week after week...I can't let myself do that though, that's mean and that wouldn't be me being gentle with myself. I've had a few gains along the way, nothing major and I'm still at 28.2 pounds down. Last weekend was my little Leo's 2nd Birthday party and I had a very hard time with all the cake, cupcakes and goodies around the house. I found myself quickly eating a piece here, or a bite there when no one was looking. It's odd how I feel like I have to eat in private and that if I do, it doesn't really count because no one saw it. Problem is, I saw it, felt it, paid dearly for it when I weighed in last Monday.
I survived a luncheon at Maggianos with a whole bowl of Riggatoni D right in front of me this past weekend, so I'll call this a huge win for the week. I feel like I have come a long way, because I was able to have some (it's my favorite meal in the whole world) but I could stop myself at a certain point and I didn't eat the whole bowl myself. I could have, but I didn't. I ate more than I should have but I didn't eat to the point of making myself sick which is something I was prone to do in the past. I was able to eat a half of piece of cake instead of several pieces. It's really a work in progress, better yet, I am a work in progress.  I considered changing my weigh in day to Fridays since I am really great all week and then screw it all up on weekends, but that wouldn't give me much motivation to keep it together on the weekends, would it?
Good news is that I am feeling alive and I have quite a bit of energy everyday. I have been doing the 21 day fix for 20 days and I still can't believe I've done any workout video for that long. My close friend and I decided we would continue to do the videos but every other day instead of everyday and on our off days we are doing a jog/walk plan to get in shape for a relay sprint triathlon.
Sometimes I forget that I am worth this whole process. It is hard, it is grueling and I want to quit much of the time. I find comfort in knowing I am not the only one that feels this way. I also know that throwing in the towel isn't an option.

Cautiously optimistic

So ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to say that I've lost the 3 pounds that I gained from vacation (plus a little more). I was watching everything I put in my mouth, counted all my points AND I worked out every single day. I don't think I've ever worked out for 7 days straight in my entire life, I would always give myself a rest day. However, I'm finding the 21 day fix rather motivational and the 30 minutes fly by. I am reminded tonight though, that this food addiction is alive and well. I went grocery shopping earlier and looked over to my right while I was waiting for check out. I saw some mediocre looking carrot cake cookies- they almost looked like whoopie pies. I can't say they are my favorite, they didn't look all that great but in that moment I contemplated throwing it all away to buy the box, sit in my car and eat them all one by one. It's sick, I know- I've worked so hard to shed the weight and I could have ruined it for myself right there in some semi-good looking carrot cake cookies. Good news is that I stayed strong and I didn't do it. I went home, had some turkey dogs, salad, skinny pop and skinny cow ice cream. I ate within my points and I even surprised myself when I noticed that I kept using the same measuring cup to make sure I'm not over-eating on the popcorn.

Yesterday I made a book on shutterfly for my parents of all the pictures we took on our vacation to Disney. At first when I saw myself in pictures, I decided not to include those pictures in the book because I didn't want to see myself that way and I didn't want anyone else to either. I was even surprised to see some of the pictures because quite honestly, I don't feel the way I look. I feel like a normal sized person, in fact I feel like a skinny person in a trapped body- something I may always struggle with. I think it's all about taking time to adjust, since when I was thin, I was always buying clothes too big and acting like a fat person in a skinny person's body. Eventually, I put all the pictures in the book because my boys and my family loves me any which way. I have to not be so selfish and learn to live with myself in the moment, in the past and the future. I need to accept that I am more than my weight problems. I was talking to one of my friends this weekend at school and I expressed my discontent with how I have to think about every damn thing I put in my mouth. I said that I envied people who could eat what they wanted when they wanted and could live their life free of worry about food all the time. It then occurred to me that almost everyone thinks about food. Skinny people for the most part are skinny because they put the work in, they eat well and make good decisions about their eating habits. Some food for thought for this gal!