Mistakes, I've made a few

Well folks, I haven't written in a while but my silence doesn't mean failure. I'm 45 pounds down now and I'm feeling really good. I have made some mistakes and had some slip ups along this journey but I need to keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle, not another quick fix. I'm keeping diligent about weighing in at weight watchers but I am no longer counting points. I have been following a higher protein, no sugar (except stevia and some fruit), low carb diet and most of my cravings are now gone. I have had a few occasions where I really couldn't resist, so I did have a few beers or a couple bites of ice cream cake. I have been able to stop myself though, which is a huge step for me. I am a compulsive over eater, humbly I must always remind myself of this fact in order to be honest with myself. I want to thank those of you who have reached out to me with your own stories of food struggles, it keeps me motivated and humbled.
I was at Germanfest this weekend, the beer was flowing and the brats were calling my name. I didn't deprive myself, ate the brat and sauerkraut, no bun. I did have one...ok more than one beer and I didn't feel sick the next day from overdoing it. My Mom took me to go buy a new Dirndl, because all the Dirndls I have are quite small from my high school days. I was actually really excited, because I love wearing ethnic clothing and it's always been a big part of my life. However, I stepped into the store and the owner looked at me and quickly told me that she "didn't have any dirndl's in my size". I was mortified, but my Mom bought me a Dirndl anyway and it fit. It was the largest one she had in the store and it was tight but dammit I wore it the next day and I felt like a million bucks. It wasn't a good experience I would ever want to relive again, but I will say that I'm not letting her steal my moment. I felt beautiful. I am reminded consistently that there is much ignorance out there over body shaming and we have so much work to do. I felt disappointed in myself that I was at a loss for words with her, I should have said something so that didn't happen to anyone again. I will however, never shop in that store again.

It's been a looooooooong time.

I'll call it success. I weighed in today and even though I don't count points anymore and haven't for a while I will continue to weigh in to keep myself honest. I also got rid of my scale in the house because I was becoming too obsessed with it, so at least once a week I'll know where I stand. I have now lost a total of 40.8 pounds and guess what? I still felt like it wasn't enough. Immediately my mind was racing and saying "well Nicole, it could've been 50 already if you hadn't fallen off the wagon so many times". You know what? My inner voice is right, I could've bypassed 50 a while back if I stayed on track BUT I could also be at plus 50 right now, and that is where I would have been headed had I not gotten my $&*# together. My work outs are inconsistent at best right now, but I think I have really done a good job kicking my sugar habit. There have been 2 occasions now where Tom and I have gone out with friends and I have been able to take 1 bite, a small bite of a dessert and then move along with my life instead of sticking my face in the dessert and then hitting the drive through on my way home. The great thing is that I have had a lot of time to really think about food and my eating habits while I have been abstaining from sugar and most carbs. I used to grab food because I was bored, lonely, anxious, tired, happy...you get the idea. Now that I don't have that, I try to at least think about the feeling that I'm having so I can start to get to the root of the problem. I also try to substitute as much liquid as I can for food so I know I'm hydrated and so I am still filling myself up with something.
My problem is also moderation- with EVERYTHING! Why is it that I can't go to the store and buy 1 pair of shoes or have just 1 french fry or have 1 cheeseburger. I can't stop myself, I have a problem with moderation and I'm laying it all out there. My biggest problem with moderation is food though, through and through. I remember being at a cousin's birthday party and I cut a piece of cake for myself (I love store bought cake with the cheap buttercream icing) the cake was an enormous piece and I huddled myself in the corner where people couldn't really see my eating habits. Well, one person who I won't name here did say something to me and it stuck with me. She was telling me that the size I cut myself wasn't a normal piece. She was right, it was about 3 times the size I should have had- especially having weighed in at over 300 pounds at that time. I remember it so vividly and not in a bad way either, I remember it because I need to reference what normal is...because I don't know. I can't sense that I'm full all the time, I just keep going and going- so to think about what might be perceived as normal is actually a good practice for me.

So far so good

After reading quite a few journals and articles regarding food addiction and how cutting out sugars and carbohydrates that aren't naturally found in our fruits and veggies can help- I can honestly say that I'm feeling good. I had a few days where I didn't think I was going to make it, especially when some of my trigger foods were around me. There have been a few celebrations since I've started this, they serve as pesky triggers for me as well, and I can honestly say I've been able to make it through. With that being said, I am down 9 pounds from when I started this sugar elimination diet and have finally hit my 10% weight loss goal at weight watchers. I was close a little over a month ago, but didn't hit it because I had gained a few back.

I still have about a can of pop a day, i'm drinking my coffee with creamer  and I do eat fruits (all of them) along with all veggies. It amazes me the more I look at food labels how much sugar is really in all of what we eat. I will also say that I am realizing that my artificial sugar found in diet coke tends to trigger cravings as well but at least I have cut way back. Not ready to let that go quite yet. I had a nice honest talk with my weight watchers leader this week, she knows I'm a serial yoyo dieter and asked me if I changed my mind on my goal weight. I haven't. My Doc just wants me to be at 200 and I am fine with that too, especially because I tend to set unrealistic goals for myself which lead me to balloon back up and start the cycle again. I have some ways to go but I'm feeling optimistic. I've been doing lots of salads, always with protein on top such as chicken salad, tuna salad, or broccoli salad with bacon. I've also started bringing snacks with me to work like cottage cheese and blueberries sprinkled with stevia which is delicious if you haven't tried it.

I will say that I realize more each day how connected I am to food. Since starting eliminating sugar, I have really been a beast to be around. I've had mood swings and I'm all sorts of irritable without my coping mechanism of food and binge eating. It's really a struggle everyday but I keep telling myself that it is worth it.

Mommy has a fat butt

Yes, friends that's exactly what my precious 4 year old said to my husband last week. He didn't mean it in a vindictive way, he said it matter of fact, and you know what? He's right. It gave me some motivation to get back on that wagon and start over. I thought to myself, what helped me lose 170 pounds just years ago? Go low carb again. So that's exactly what I did and it has really helped me to be more mindful of my eating. It has also helped me to re-introduce myself with hunger. I hate the feeling of hunger and that is exactly what I've been feeling this week. Although, I do have to say that I have eaten every time I have felt that feeling, I've just made different choices with what went in my mouth. I've cut any sugar that isn't fruit and all the flour and bread products.

I am not one of those crazy no fruit, no corn people though...no  this has to be absolutely sustainable for me if I'm going to work. It also helped me to remember why I was so successful cutting carbs last time, I'm obviously carb sensitive and thats what makes me gain weight. What's more is that carbs are my drug of choice and once I start with the sugar and the bread, I can't stop myself and end up with a binge that lasts for years; just like what got me here today. I haven't stepped on the scale but I have had 3 people (yes, I count) tell me that I'm looking different. I'm also feeling different, more confident and have picked up getting physical again. This made me realize how very sluggish the carbs have been making me and with me stuffing my face with dunkin donuts, mcdonalds and every other sweet that my mother insists on making- it made me a zombie. I'm sleeping great, eating well and can almost keep up with the kids again. I plan on weighing in on monday, so keep me in your thoughts because we all know that the number on the scale can discourage me and ruin my streak here if it doesn't say what I think it should say. I need to keep myself honest and see if this is working, otherwise I wouldn't even bother going to weigh in.

Withdrawal

Well ladies and gents, I didn't weigh in this week due to craziness with the kiddos schedules, but I do know that I wouldn't want to see what the scale says anyways. I know I'm not back up to where I started this time but I do know that I was feeling unmotivated until I saw my friend's blog about whole 30. I am motivated by other people's success and after researching more about whole 30, I decided it's not quite for me but what is for me is to go back to my low carb lifestyle for a while until I can lose a little more weight to motivate myself to get back on track. Yes, that's right; losing weight motivates me to lose more weight. When I do the low carb deal, I still eat fruits and veggies and I don't go all Atkins or anything, I mostly stick with low fat meats and cheeses. I still have my coffee with just a touch of regular coffee creamer in the morning, because it's what I wake up for and I am not a pretty sight without it. In fact, I think my 4 year old even recognizes when I haven't had my coffee yet.
With that said, I'm hungry as hell. Hungry for the things that of course I have tried to cut out, like refined sugars, flour, breads, rice, etc. You get the idea. However, I will tell you that strawberries and blueberries never tasted so sweet! It's like eating candy. Sorry, I lied. It's not like eating candy, but it is sweet as heck and I am shocked at how much I am enjoying fruit. Today, I even decided that I would prepare one veggie per day to have around the house to snack. I made roasted carrots in the oven today, they were delish. Hard core low to no carbers would tell you that I shouldn't have my sweet potatoes or watermelon. I just can't roll that way, I need to still have foods that I enjoy within reason: otherwise I will without question end up binge eating all the things that I haven't been eating and then some. I had such success with eating low carb several years ago that I forgot why I stopped doing that. It was definitely something I could handle and helped me get a hold on my food addiction. I have a sugar addiction for sure, so this is good for me. Yes, I'm a bit crabbier than usual and yes, I go from 0-100 on the hunger scale in a matter of seconds. The first day I tried this, I attempted to cut my diet coke habit too. BAD IDEA! Don't recommend going cold turkey. I decided that I would let myself have one diet pop a day, that has been much better for me.

I haven't exactly been great about working out lately, in fact I'm lazier than usual. One thing at a time, I suppose. I can't do it all at once since this is not a quick fix but a lifestyle change. My husband and I have been considering baby #3. However, I will preface this by saying part of me doesn't know if we will forge ahead due to my weight issues. With all the yoyo dieting and up and down weight gains and losses, I am not sure it's a healthy move to go ahead and lose weight just to put it right back on during a pregnancy and then attempt to lose it again after. However, we are considering the possibility of another baby and I know that being the weight I am, it's a bad idea. With gestational diabetes, hypertension and probably many other issues that you could google- it's all looming over my head when I think about babies. In fact, I saw a relatively obese woman at the mall the other day who was pregnant and I automatically thought to myself- what the heck is this woman thinking? Why would she put herself and her baby at risk like that? I stopped myself because people may have looked at me and thought the same thing during my last pregnancy. That woman could be me.

One motivation for this new lifestyle of low carb which I am trying is because we had some people over a couple weeks ago and one of the little kids my son was playing with drew a picture of our family. The sweet kid was drawing me as bigger than Tommy thought she should, so he got all upset and bent out of shape that she was drawing me ugly. This is one of the things I've dreaded, the day that my kid discovers that I'm fat. No really, he doesn't see me like that when he looks at me like that. It's others that teach him to see me like that, he learns that I'm fat. He wasn't born knowing or thinking I was fat. It was definitely a conversation we had to have, since he was so upset about it. It breaks my heart that he had to get so worked up about something that I've done to myself and that I struggle with daily. In fact, as I got him from the bus today in my yoga pants and t-shirt, I was immediately covering myself because I thought about how all the kids would see me crossing the street to get him from the bus and they would probably say something about me the next day on the bus. I don't want to do this to him and it only gets worse as they get older because kids can be mean and they often say what they think without considering the consequences.

It could always be worse

So, it's been a while since I've posted. Not because I've gotten too busy, but I've fallen off the wagon. I felt embarrassed to put in writing that I stopped tracking and counting points, only to stuff my face with things that I haven't really allowed myself to have these past few months. In fact, I went to weight in on Monday, which I was proud of doing because I certainly knew things weren't going to be pretty. I sat in the parking lot, in my car and thought up countless reasons why I shouldn't go inside to step on that scale. I actually became so anxious that I started eating the bag of baked cheetos my son brought into the car the day before. Funny thing is, I turned my head to eat it in the general direction of the heavy set lady in her car, waiting for weight watchers to open; not the skinny lady to my left.  Eventhough I knew I wouldn't be happy with what I saw, I begrudgingly went inside- stepped on the scale and collected the weeks of themed booklets from the times I didn't show up for the meeting or weigh in. Our leader didn't make me feel bad about my long absence from weight watchers, she just said that it was good I came back. I wanted to be honest with myself and where I was. Well, I've gained about 4 pounds since I last wrote on here. It's not terrible, I thought it was going to be much, much worse. I will say that I kept working out everyday, so that's probably the reason it was 4 pounds, and not 14.
So today when I woke up, I decided I was going to do something different to jump start my weight loss. I was going to avoid all complex carbs and sugars that I know I have a weakness for and I know I crave on a daily basis. Only problem is, the first thing I did was reach for the leftovers of my son's bagel without even thinking. Followed by grabbing a handful of chips that I served with lunch for the boys. Then, to top it all off, they had chicken salad wraps at work, in a big tomato pesto fully carb loaded tortilla; you guessed it, I ate that too. I didn't intend on my day going like that, but it did. Yes, I am a little disappointed in myself but I am not back where I started and there have been times in these past few weeks that I have had something in my hand that I was going to put to my mouth, but I made a conscious effort to put it down or throw it away.
Some days, I have the best of intentions and start out great, only to finish off the day totally angry and disappointed with myself on how I let my will power and motivation go. Then, I had a fleeting thought that there is no rush, there is no race, no competition, no wedding dress to fit into. This is for me, for my kids, for my future and my life. This will always be a struggle but there is no race and no finish line. I have to keep reminding myself of that. No one is going to give me a diploma or a certificate of completion at the end of this journey, because there is no end to this journey. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can stop starting over.

The fat girl shuffle

I was listening to the radio this week and they came out with this "mind blowing" study about weight loss and said that people tend to be thinner if they don't have food around them all the time. No shit! You're saying that if I just don't have food around me, I won't eat it (because the food isn't around me) and then I will be skinny? By Golly! This totally ended my struggle.
Not really, but there is something to be said about it. I noticed today at work that I brought a 2 point ww buffalo pretzels snack and a banana. I ate both within the first half hour of work because they were sitting within arms length and I couldn't stop myself. Not that I really love bananas but I felt the urge to eat them because I knew I would eat them eventually and I also knew that I had put them in my tracker already.
Lets just say, in about 2 hours I'm going to be hungry again and I will wish I had those snacks I brought for myself. Don't worry, I won't be hungry for long- I will find something. I'm resourceful like that.
This week I stayed the exact same at my weekly weigh in. I call that a success, not because I stayed the same but because I didn't punish myself for it. Formerly, I would have been so upset with myself that I would have eaten my emotional self into a drunken food stupor and started the cycle of shame. I didn't do that this time, so lets celebrate that. Not with food.
I am however a little nervous about Mother's Day- especially because I heard my Mom on the phone with Deerfields Bakery yesterday ordering cakes for the occasion. Hopefully I can stay strong because I'm really hoping for Monday to be the 30 pounds down milestone.