Right off that wagon

I can't say this is an unfamiliar feeling, I've been here before; it's called failure. It's cyclical really, get on a diet; stay on diet; do well on diet; hit a road block; fail miserably; stay in said roadblock and take all that hard work and throw it in the trash. That is what happens when you have a binge eating disorder. I was doing really well, right up until we went on vacation; our cruise was wonderful and we had a fantastic time but I let the reigns go just a little there, then a little more when we got home during the holidays and now I'm in full blown bad choice mode. Every morning is a bit of the same story, I get up with the best of intentions that this will be the day I get back on the plan and do what I need to do, eat well, exercise. I start well with either some oatmeal or eggs but then I get in on what the kids leftover and then perhaps a drive through trip and since I've blown it already for the day, I continue down that awful path of eating and over eating until I feel so full I am sick to my stomach.

With all that being said, I haven't stepped back on the scale. My clothes still fit but they are tighter than they were and I can tell that I have put some weight back on. I will not be stepping on the scale any time soon though, especially since I'm one piece of bad news away from a binge fest.

I promised I would share the good, bad, ugly with you. This is ugly but I will persevere. I have a few ideas for plans to get back on track but it will take me some time. This is a very stressful time for me and my Doctoral program, that isn't helping either since I'm down to the wire with deadlines and such. I just have to keep in the back of my mind that I will get through this and I will get back on track. I did it once before, I will do it again.

What if?

Sometimes I think what if... What if I wasn't consumed by the thought of food 24/7? What if I wasn't always concerned about my weight, my food addiction. I spend a lot of time looking at others and wonder if they too are consumed with the thought of food and how it can control their lives, I wonder if they too struggle with depression and anxiety even though they have so much to be grateful for in their lives.
We all have our issues, we all have our "thing" that consumes us from time to time. I had the privilege of going away for a couple days to one of our favorite vacation spots last weekend- VEGAS! I was nervous for a few reasons: Those of you who know me, know that I have a serious fear of flying and a serious irrational fear (although just a few months ago I wouldn't have called this irrational) of not fitting in the seat. I've played the scene out in my head about a million times- the flight attendant very publicly comes up to me and tells me that I need to buy another seat, or use a seat belt extender. None of this has ever happened to me, but in my mind it has. A few milestones happened in Vegas this past weekend that I thought I should share. I hit up my favorite buffet at the Wynn which I was both excited and worried about. I hoped I would be able to stop myself from making too many trips back to the buffet line and I was worried that I would choose the wrong foods. At first I didn't even look at the dessert area and then I thought, seriously Nicole? Not even look at the desserts? So I tested myself and went over to my favorite area. I took more than I should have, brought it to the table and took one bite out of each dessert I wanted to try. I'm going to call this a success. I didn't finish things that weren't amazing just because it was there and GASP, I actually left food in my plate. This is huge for me and what is even more shocking is that one of the days, I actually forgot about lunch. This is not typical at all for me, but for once I wasn't completely planning everything around my food intake. There was so much do see, do, hear that I was really not thinking about food all the time.
I did weigh in when I got back, just go keep myself honest and I lost another 2 pounds which brings me to 57 pounds and some change. I'm thankful that I made it though Thanksgiving and a vacation to my favorite spot without completely screwing everything up.

The big 5-0

Well friends, it happened. I stepped on the scale last week for the much anticipated 50 pound weight loss mark and guess what? I didn't make it. Instead of crying my eyes out, I brushed the dust off my shoulders and kept on chuggin'. I stepped on the scale this week and I made it- down 50 pounds and 6 ounces to be exact. I guess I'll come out with it this time and disclose that I started this journey at 291. Not my heaviest, but certainly close. I am now 240.6 and I'm feeling well. Some days are better than others and I still have a food addition- that will never go away. Cravings come and go but it's getting easier. I'm making better choices and I think it's all due to control. Having some control over oneself and the choices one makes is one of the hardest parts about being an adult.
I have set the goal officially with weight watchers of 200. My personal goal is truly to be at least 199- yes, I know it's not about the number but it sure would be swell to be under the 200 mark. I haven't seen that on the scale since before Tommy. You all know me, so you're proabaly not surprised that I went to reward myself. I went to White House Black Market and did some damage, but boy was just happy as a clam to fit into some of their clothes. Don't worry too much, I stayed in the clearance section.
I'll keep you all posted while I continue this journey.

Just a little at a time...

Well friends, I weighed in today like every Monday and to my surprise, I lost 3.8 pounds. Huge success for me, but still had a little voice in the back of my mind saying "wouldn't it have been nice if this week was the big 5-0?" Not sure I did anything different this week than the other weeks, but I'll take it and run with it. My total now is 49.6 lost; lets not get too excited, I'm still waaaaaayyyy overweight...BUT, I see myself making some lifestyle choices that are growing on me and slowly becoming a part of my daily routine. For one, there is more produce in my house and much less on the processed foods front. I think my family is benefiting from this too. I will say that the addition piece hasn't gotten much easier. I struggle with ways to cope when I'm feeling anxious, sad, depressed, excited... I think you get the point. I have found that I fill the food void by doing things that I probably shouldn't, like shopping and buying useless things. I'd love to say that I've replaced the void with exercise or meditation but I'm just going to be honest here- I haven't. I am struggling to find that one thing to take on that gives me a little bit of relief. I just completed the first 3 chapters of my dissertation and I thought that writing would be therapeutic for me, but instead that has proved to be a huge stressor that makes me want to eat more. I really want to hear from you all...what do you do to fill your "void" or "emptiness". For me, it used to be food but as I look for other things to quiet me down I find that they aren't always the best choices, for example- wine. Now, I did read an article that says a glass of red wine a day is like exercising, but I'm thinking the jury is still out on that one.

Mistakes, I've made a few

Well folks, I haven't written in a while but my silence doesn't mean failure. I'm 45 pounds down now and I'm feeling really good. I have made some mistakes and had some slip ups along this journey but I need to keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle, not another quick fix. I'm keeping diligent about weighing in at weight watchers but I am no longer counting points. I have been following a higher protein, no sugar (except stevia and some fruit), low carb diet and most of my cravings are now gone. I have had a few occasions where I really couldn't resist, so I did have a few beers or a couple bites of ice cream cake. I have been able to stop myself though, which is a huge step for me. I am a compulsive over eater, humbly I must always remind myself of this fact in order to be honest with myself. I want to thank those of you who have reached out to me with your own stories of food struggles, it keeps me motivated and humbled.
I was at Germanfest this weekend, the beer was flowing and the brats were calling my name. I didn't deprive myself, ate the brat and sauerkraut, no bun. I did have one...ok more than one beer and I didn't feel sick the next day from overdoing it. My Mom took me to go buy a new Dirndl, because all the Dirndls I have are quite small from my high school days. I was actually really excited, because I love wearing ethnic clothing and it's always been a big part of my life. However, I stepped into the store and the owner looked at me and quickly told me that she "didn't have any dirndl's in my size". I was mortified, but my Mom bought me a Dirndl anyway and it fit. It was the largest one she had in the store and it was tight but dammit I wore it the next day and I felt like a million bucks. It wasn't a good experience I would ever want to relive again, but I will say that I'm not letting her steal my moment. I felt beautiful. I am reminded consistently that there is much ignorance out there over body shaming and we have so much work to do. I felt disappointed in myself that I was at a loss for words with her, I should have said something so that didn't happen to anyone again. I will however, never shop in that store again.

It's been a looooooooong time.

I'll call it success. I weighed in today and even though I don't count points anymore and haven't for a while I will continue to weigh in to keep myself honest. I also got rid of my scale in the house because I was becoming too obsessed with it, so at least once a week I'll know where I stand. I have now lost a total of 40.8 pounds and guess what? I still felt like it wasn't enough. Immediately my mind was racing and saying "well Nicole, it could've been 50 already if you hadn't fallen off the wagon so many times". You know what? My inner voice is right, I could've bypassed 50 a while back if I stayed on track BUT I could also be at plus 50 right now, and that is where I would have been headed had I not gotten my $&*# together. My work outs are inconsistent at best right now, but I think I have really done a good job kicking my sugar habit. There have been 2 occasions now where Tom and I have gone out with friends and I have been able to take 1 bite, a small bite of a dessert and then move along with my life instead of sticking my face in the dessert and then hitting the drive through on my way home. The great thing is that I have had a lot of time to really think about food and my eating habits while I have been abstaining from sugar and most carbs. I used to grab food because I was bored, lonely, anxious, tired, happy...you get the idea. Now that I don't have that, I try to at least think about the feeling that I'm having so I can start to get to the root of the problem. I also try to substitute as much liquid as I can for food so I know I'm hydrated and so I am still filling myself up with something.
My problem is also moderation- with EVERYTHING! Why is it that I can't go to the store and buy 1 pair of shoes or have just 1 french fry or have 1 cheeseburger. I can't stop myself, I have a problem with moderation and I'm laying it all out there. My biggest problem with moderation is food though, through and through. I remember being at a cousin's birthday party and I cut a piece of cake for myself (I love store bought cake with the cheap buttercream icing) the cake was an enormous piece and I huddled myself in the corner where people couldn't really see my eating habits. Well, one person who I won't name here did say something to me and it stuck with me. She was telling me that the size I cut myself wasn't a normal piece. She was right, it was about 3 times the size I should have had- especially having weighed in at over 300 pounds at that time. I remember it so vividly and not in a bad way either, I remember it because I need to reference what normal is...because I don't know. I can't sense that I'm full all the time, I just keep going and going- so to think about what might be perceived as normal is actually a good practice for me.

So far so good

After reading quite a few journals and articles regarding food addiction and how cutting out sugars and carbohydrates that aren't naturally found in our fruits and veggies can help- I can honestly say that I'm feeling good. I had a few days where I didn't think I was going to make it, especially when some of my trigger foods were around me. There have been a few celebrations since I've started this, they serve as pesky triggers for me as well, and I can honestly say I've been able to make it through. With that being said, I am down 9 pounds from when I started this sugar elimination diet and have finally hit my 10% weight loss goal at weight watchers. I was close a little over a month ago, but didn't hit it because I had gained a few back.

I still have about a can of pop a day, i'm drinking my coffee with creamer  and I do eat fruits (all of them) along with all veggies. It amazes me the more I look at food labels how much sugar is really in all of what we eat. I will also say that I am realizing that my artificial sugar found in diet coke tends to trigger cravings as well but at least I have cut way back. Not ready to let that go quite yet. I had a nice honest talk with my weight watchers leader this week, she knows I'm a serial yoyo dieter and asked me if I changed my mind on my goal weight. I haven't. My Doc just wants me to be at 200 and I am fine with that too, especially because I tend to set unrealistic goals for myself which lead me to balloon back up and start the cycle again. I have some ways to go but I'm feeling optimistic. I've been doing lots of salads, always with protein on top such as chicken salad, tuna salad, or broccoli salad with bacon. I've also started bringing snacks with me to work like cottage cheese and blueberries sprinkled with stevia which is delicious if you haven't tried it.

I will say that I realize more each day how connected I am to food. Since starting eliminating sugar, I have really been a beast to be around. I've had mood swings and I'm all sorts of irritable without my coping mechanism of food and binge eating. It's really a struggle everyday but I keep telling myself that it is worth it.