Same cardigan, different body

So I was reading a motivational weight loss article about triggers this past week, and it got me to thinking...What are my triggers? What are the triggers for a person who struggles with food addiction? It's everything! Parties, celebrations, sadness, passing a mcdonalds, putting my shoes on, it really doesn't matter to me- it's all a trigger. I have probably mentioned this on more than one occasion, but when someone struggles with a food addiction, they can't actually avoid what they are addicted to. We need food to live, and it is inevitably part of everyday life. I am hyper aware of how I act around food, what I eat around those I work with, what I eat around my children, because I hope to God they never have to struggle the way I do each and every day. Working around college students everyday is a unique arena- I recently overhead a conversation between a group of ladies in the cafeteria that stuck with me. "No, she said she has an eating disorder, but she is too fat to have one." They were discussing a friend not sitting at the table. WHAT???? It took everything within me not to turn around and have it out with a group of teenagers. Eating disorders are painful, and they are not reserved for any specific body type. They do not know race, religion or sexuality. They find everyone and anyone.
This girl in the picture, I know her- I know that unhappy look on her face and I know that she is not comfortable in her own skin.  No, this is not my heaviest, no, I didn't have any reason to be particularly anxious or unhappy to cause my ballooning for the 5th time in my life (at least). I had every reason to be content in my life, but it wasn't my life that I was unhappy with, it was my anxiety and binge eating disorder. I have had people, someone in my own family ask, "how can you have it together in every other aspect of your life but not when it comes to your weight?" I have honestly had someone say "how can you get your doctorate, write a book, hold a decent job and raise 3 kids, but you can't get your food issues under control?" This got me to thinking; I keep believing that every time I lose, I DO have it under control. That seems to be where my error lies, that I treat the result of weight loss as an ending achievement. Just like achieving a degree, you cross the stage, and it's over. The problem with this thinking is that when you have a food addiction, you must always be diligent- you can't be done with your quest. You don't get a diploma for achieving your weight loss and consider that you've won the race. If you struggle with a disorder of this kind, you will always have it. My physician pointed out some time ago that I notoriously yo-yo diet. I'm up, I'm down- I have gained over 100 pounds twice in my life- it's not something I care to do again. BUT I keep going back to my old ways of thinking that I am done- I've lost the weight, I'm in a good place. Just when I do my celebratory dance, I get complacent and think I've kicked my bad habits, it all comes rushing back with a vengeance and I can't keep it at bay any longer. This has been the case EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I do have to say that I have enjoyed reading the book The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung at the recommendation of a close friend. It basically states that being fat isn't our fault- everyone, even the healthcare industry keeps telling us that we are fat because of calories in and calories out- it's not that simple. There is a much more complex hormonal imbalance that takes place that has set us up for this type of weight loss failure. I encourage you to check it out- I'm not finished yet, but a little over half way and I keep waiting to hear the magic answer of what to do about my genetic make up and lot in life to be overweight.  I'll keep you posted.

As most of you know, I recently took up running again. I am thankful for Jeff Galloway and his method of training since it allows me to run one minute, walk one minute instead of running ridiculous amounts of miles. For me 11 miles is ridiculous, for some of you, it's a walk in the park. While running this past weekend, or I should call it run/walking this past weekend, I noticed that I was by far the heaviest runner on the path- there were quite a few runners out. I noticed this because I ALWAYS notice things like this. I immediately in my head made a name for it, so it is now RWF. Running while fat. I mean this with the most love and respect for myself and where my body has been, where my body is now. It's ok to bring humor to yourself and be humble, friends. Lets just say running isn't easy when things are bouncing up and down and jiggling. If you struggle with the bounce and jiggle, let me give you some words of advice. Wear tight fitting workout clothes, the bounce and jiggle will be less. It won't be gone, but it'll be better. I double up on sports bras and go about my business. I actually had a runner about a week ago come into my personal space, (yes, I'm one that enjoys my personal space when my 3 kids aren't climbing on me) and give me a high 5, saying "good for you!" Hmm, was he saying good for me because I'm RWF? Or was he saying good for me because he saw me out about an hour prior and I was still going? My mind takes me to the RWF, my heart hopes it was the latter. Running has been therapeutic but I can't say that I love it. People talk about this "runners high", I have yet to really experience it. Maybe when I'm running 13.1 in a few weeks? Which, by the way- I'm terrified! I don't know why either. I've been training and I think I'm ready, but the thought of someone that hasn't even hit onederland (another way of saying under 200 pounds), it seems almost impossible and yet I am dragging the whole fam down to Disneyworld to see if I can cross this one off the bucket list. I'm going to remain hopeful for now that I can finish the race without someone pulling me off for taking too long- they have a 16 minute mile max. You'll hear from me either way after that one!

Polyester Gym Shorts

I've been away from this blog for a long time. Let me catch you up to speed. I left off at some fertility issues which were caused almost 100% by my weight at the time. I visited a fertility doctor who told me to lose the weight quickly, he then referred me to a weight loss physician who prescribed me some diet pills that gave me palpitations and made me feel completely unnatural. I decided from there I would go to another fertility Doctor at the recommendation of a friend. I loved this one. She told me that no matter my weight I deserved to complete my family. We were successful on our first try with this Doctor through IUI and now our family is complete with Izzy. I will say that pregnancy was a little different this time because I didn't go crazy and eat everything within reach. I started at about 240 and I got up to 275. I walked a lot with the support of great family and friends and I let myself have things that I was really craving. Oddly enough one of my biggest cravings was ice chips. I know, right? Super strange.
After Isabella was born I took a little time off of eating well and exercising to let my body heal, then I took a little more time and a little more. I was noticing that I was sitting all the time, just holding her and that I would eat more and more each day. I was getting out of control again as I told myself I wouldn't. The numbers on the scale didn't scare me since I had been over 300 pounds before, but I just didn't want to let myself get that far because I knew how much work it would take to get it back off.
My cousin told me about a great fitness community called GCP Mundelein and I went with her to a few classes. Now friends, if I could just tell you- I HATE to exercise. I would rather do laundry and dishes (you all know how much I like to do those things) than to exercise. BUT I did it. I went there at least 2x a week and I was hooked eventually. There was a great judge free fitness community that I found there and I am still going consistently. People are so incredibly supportive and for the first time, I feel athletic and strong. Which brings me to Tom and I deciding this was the year to cross a big one off the bucket list- a Disney Half Marathon. We registered for it and have been training since April. I'm so proud of the training process we have been able to maintain and to even be able to jog double digits in mileage is beyond my comprehension.
Nutrition wise I had been following kept, then low carb and now I'm following weight watchers. Why the diet inconsistency? Well, I have to say that if I'm following any one program for too long, I get bored, complacent and well, you know how that story ends.
Yesterday while I was running I decided to just go wherever my thoughts would take me- it's a lot of thinking at 2 and a half hours minus music. I thought about what I was wearing to run and how when I was in grade school at St. Mary, I couldn't finish the mile fitness test. It made me sad to think that I was so overweight and out of shape during my childhood. It just so happened that the day we were supposed to complete the mile around the football field, I had forgotten my gym uniform. Folks, the loaner uniform didn't fit me, so I remember running in a way too small pair of polyester shorts and a tight white shirt with navy rings around the arms and neck. It was awful, it was embarrassing, I was a sweaty mess and the only kid to not finish in the time allotted. I remember a blister forming on my thighs from my too small shorts rubbing the wrong way. My mind got to thinking about how I was now an adult, years later and I had the opportunity to take control of these things, using the memories that shaped me to be the person I am today. I could run freely and gasp even enjoy it, and I could still wear an XL and be comfortable in my own skin. Now, I will share with you that I am not perfect, I have a problem with binge eating and I always will. I suppose that what I have learned from my last blog post back 2016 until now. I do and will always be a binge eater, I compulsively think about food and sometimes it is bigger than I can be. I am working on it. I am making progress.