Another weigh in and a few random thoughts.

So I haven't been on here in a while because I have been trying to catch up with life a little and schoolwork. I spent some time in DC for the ACE (higher ed conference) with colleagues from the Doctoral program I am in. There was open bar and food galore from bacon wrapped scallops to fillet and well, you name it. Something I realized from this trip is that I still can't eat everything even if I wanted to because my body is still recovering from surgery and I am grateful because I would've eaten the whole damn buffet had I been able to. Secondly, I noticed that I am finally at a place where I can leave food in my plate and walk away from it. I don't need to finish every last bite which has been customary for me every time I ate anything. We had a dinner at a really nice restaurant the last night of the conference, courtesy of our program and I actually left some salmon in my plate- didn't eat the potatoes and ate a few bites of the pear cobbler. I was absolutely fine and I survived. This is a huge success for me.

Today I weighed in after not having been to weight watchers in a couple weeks. I was down 4 for a total of 28 pounds lost. I received the 25lb charm and I was absolutely delighted. It was a familiar feeling because I've done this before, but it was still a special moment for me. I won't say that I don't feel a little guilty since I was sick for much of the time which resulted in weight loss but I'm still going to take it.

Another more emotional thought I wanted to write about is that I was singing for a funeral today, which isn't uncommon since I belong to the Church choir that sings for funerals. However, today the congregation celebrated the life of a man who was younger than we usually see and the person who offered words of remembrance mentioned that the deceased struggled with sobriety. Immediately in my head I thought, oh- ok it all makes sense now. Like it would make sense that he would die early because he had trouble with sobriety. How ignorant of me; and then I thought that I am no different. Struggling with food addiction is much like struggling with sobriety. I too have been at an Overeaters Anonymous group meeting where we take the same tenants as an AA meeting. However, my mind began to wander to "what if it was me"? Would someone see my picture and say oh, that makes sense now- she was morbidly obese. I know these aren't the most pleasant of thoughts but I wanted to share them because I know for certain I'm not the only person who struggles with these ideas popping into my head. My Doctor was talking to me about a woman who had steatohepatitis and has needed two liver transplants so far. I couldn't help but think, really? She can't get it together with her weight enough after the first liver that she needed another one? Another ignorant and arrogant thought that went through my head, because he also told me that could be me if I didn't make the changes necessary. I am doing everything I can to stay strong and make the changes that I need to make in my life and lifestyle but it is hard not to have negative feelings from time to time. Instead of shutting those feelings out like I would do before and then end up eating my feelings, I have decided to get the feelings out and share them so I can embrace how I feel and hopefully have some resolve.

It's weigh in day again!

Is it just me or does anyone else get nervous when they wake up in the morning on weigh in day? I'm still recovering from some of the complications I experienced from my surgeries last month and I can finally say that most solids are going down well- a little too well. It was much easier to lose weight on the liquid diet my Doctors demanded of me, but once I went back on solids I felt like I had to make up for lost time. I didn't, but really only because my belly wasn't letting me do that yet. I was down 4.3 this week which makes for a total of...drum roll please ^^^^^^ 24.0 lbs. The only reason I'm hesitant to celebrate is because for the majority of this past month, I wasn't able to eat solid food, so even my Doctor told me last week that this isn't intentional weight loss so it's considered cheating. I'm not going to be that hard on myself though, I'll take it as a win and move right along.

Since I was in the hospital while we were supposed to take our family trip to Disney for my Dad's 75th- it's been rescheduled for the end of March and I am excited and nervous at the same time. Not nervous for all the food options that are so good they leave your mouth watering for days, but nervous because of the pictures. If you've ever been unhappy with your weight and you looked at yourself in a picture, you know what I'm talking about. When you go on a trip like Disney, you want to cherish those memories for a lifetime; especially when you're taking your little ones. On one hand, I am sad that I've avoided being in pictures with my kids for the past 4 years but on the other hand I feel like it would make me unhappy to see what I really look like in those pictures and in some strange way if I don't take a picture of myself looking my worst- then it's like it never happened. I just don't want my kids to pull out pictures in 20 years and say "wow, you were really heavy Mom". Then again, I don't want my kids to pull out pictures and say, "where were you Mom"?

I also have to head to DC for school this weekend for a conference- yes, I have to fly. Now for everyone who knows me, they know it's my biggest fear; even though I've done plenty of it over the years. One of those irrational fears of sorts. Part of the anxiety comes from sitting in a tight airplane seat and waiting for the flight attendant to check and see if the seat belt fits me- or God forbid if she asks me in advance if I need an extender. All things that are running through my head this week.

It's gettin' real

Well folks, I always felt like this unhealthy lifestyle and yoyo dieting could never get me, I was wrong. Had a follow up with the surgeon and GI today and the GI had a pretty serious come to Jesus talk with me about my health and getting it together. Apparently my liver enzymes weren't going down after both procedures I had even though that's why I kept telling myself they were elevated. Nope, it was fatty liver gone wild- turned into nonalcoholic steatohepatitis. Big long name for I let my fatty liver go too far and it turned into hepatitis which he described as inflammation and possible damage. This is aside from the whole possible panaceas issues from the pancreatitis, but I digress. I sat there across from my Doctor and made up every excuse in the book on why I let things get this far. I told him that I was once over 300 pounds and that I got myself all the way to 150 for my wedding. He told me that what I was telling him was wonderful but that I was in the danger zone now and that I needed to get my health together and make it a priority to drop weight now, take over a low fat diet, no alcohol because of the hepatitis and start exercising as much as possible. He said that I will be monitored by him for this issue as it can cause cirrhosis and all sorts of nasty things. He asked me several times if I understood what he was telling me and if I comprehended the seriousness of what he was saying to me. I kept telling him that I didn't understand because I never really drank, didn't most people equate liver disease with drinking? I wasn't getting it- or I didn't want to get it. Either way, I have no one to thank but myself and I feel a sudden sense of urgency to get my act together.

I feel like I'm the poster child for what happens when you continuously put you and your health behind everything and everyone else. I know I'm not the only one who does it either, you're all out there. The ones that eat fast food in the drive through because you only had time to make healthy meals for the kids at home. The Mom that scraps the gym so she can take the kids to target and buy a frozen themed shirt for school the next day. We're all guilty of putting ourselves last, but when is enough, enough?

This appointment was enough to send me spiraling into a gallon of chubby hubby by Ben and Jerry, but I didn't- yet that is...It's upsetting because what he didn't know is that I've lost over 19 pounds since I started my journey this time and it still isn't enough to make a dent. I'm just being honest with all of you, some days feel like a success and many days feel like failure. Wouldn't be telling the truth if I said otherwise.

8.4

I know I've been a little absent lately, I weighed in this week and yes- I lost 8.4 pounds but I feel like it's cheating, I'll tell you why. I had an emergency gallbladder removal surgery on Valentines Day (Happy Valentines Day to me) and then after some complications had another procedure two days later and then if that wasn't enough, I ended up with a fairly severe case of pancreatitis. I was in the hospital for 8 days and for most of those 8 days I was not allowed to eat or drink, just received IV fluids so that my pancreas could rest.

Sad thing is, I actually expected to lose more weight after not eating for 8 days, I mean really! It was somewhat of a hellish ordeal, I thought I would come out of the hospital a skinny women. Well, that didn't happen. However, I am back on plan and at home resting and recuperating. There were a few times I was ready to say screw it, hand me some ice cream or a milk shake...but I didn't. I'm going to have to remain fairly healthy for a while to accommodate my new lack of an organ which is a good thing.

I'm also terrified that after not eating for a week and having a bigger loss that I will be a failure come next Monday because I am now consuming food and drinking liquids again. I'm also not very active right now because I'm still in some pain, so there's a lot of sitting around on my behind.

There is one major lesson I learned from this experience though- I can't put my health on the back burner any longer. Over 2 years ago I started to have gallbladder attacks on and off and I knew that I had gallstones and that the gallbladder needed to be removed. I put it off for two years and of course ended up with complication after complication. I could always come up with an excuse why it wasn't a good time for me to go through with the procedure, but what could have been an outpatient surgery ended up an 8 day hospital stay. Just shows you where my mind was, not on my health.

Not anymore though, it's my time to put me first.

At least I'm not back where I started

Sometimes I get down on myself for letting this get this far, and yet it isn't my lowest point. I remember going to Europe to study at Loyola's Rome Center and feeling excited about being in Europe again, this time with Tom. We visited London, Paris, Munich, Capri and Rome; it was an absolute dream trip and I absolutely hated it- I need a do over. Why you ask? Because I was in pain, could barely walk the cobblestone paths and could not keep up like the rest of our group could. I actually ended up at the ER one of the nights because my ankles were so swollen I had a hard time putting shoes on. Before I left for the trip, I had made an appointment with a bariatric surgeon and strongly considered my options with him. I decided that I would most likely take the route of gastric banding but wouldn't do anything until I got back from the trip. Once I returned back to Chicago, my sweet cousin in Germany sent me this picture:

 

I still to this day do not believe that's me, but guess what? It is. When I saw this picture, I cried and cried. I couldn't believe that is what I looked like to other people, because it certainly wasn't what I saw when I looked in the mirror. You can probably see from the expression on my face that I wasn't happy at all and definitely wasn't feeling well. This was back in 2006 and in August when I returned, I swore I wouldn't look that way again. I worked tirelessly to exercise and eat right, got a personal trainer and decided I would do it without surgery. I was young, determined and full of will power. I keep this picture as a reminder, sometimes when I pull it out I think maybe I should've looked a little sooner- so I wouldn't have put this much weight back on after working so hard to get it off. However, I'm not back where I started, I'm better off than before and this time, I know from experience that I can do it.

Weigh in 2

Well, it could've been worse! 1.6 pounds gone. I suppose I should do a happy dance and be super excited that it went down not up or down not the same BUT I am still disappointed. I ate really well this whole week, could've been more active though. I will say that it could be because ladies tend to get bloated every so often about once a month, right ladies? It's interesting to me that for many of us, good isn't good enough. I could also come up with a billion different reasons why I didn't do better but I shouldn't. I am now 11.2 pounds lighter than I came into this journey and for that I am grateful. I am also thankful for a support system that just won't quit- even when I might want them to.

I was at a party this past weekend and I was discussing with my friend's husband how difficult it is to be healthy and to lose weight. To my surprise, he talked about having the same struggle. I know I am not the only serial yo yo dieter out there but it was nice to know that others around me have been able to navigate through the rough waters.

One of my ways to cope is to buy self help books about weight loss. I feel comforted by others personal journeys. These are just a small sampling of what I have in my repertoire. Please, feel free to ask me for one or all of these books and I'll send them to you- free for the taking. Carnie Wilson's I'm still Hungry caught my eye this morning. Maybe because I am usually still hungry, or maybe its a feeling that I mistake for hunger? I'm still not sure, but it's almost always there. I think about what thin people might do when they go out to lunch or dinner- I think about all the people who are able to eat half of what's on their plates. I, for one have never been able to do that. I eat everything on the plate, even if I know it's more than one serving. I do envy those that can stop themselves from eating further because they know they've had enough. It's something I hope I can do in the future. My Mom brought some pizza over this weekend and I immediately opted for something else in the fridge that didn't have an ambiguous point value. Why? I'm not ready yet. I know with pizza I can't have just one piece, so I will allow myself some time to deal with those temptations. Not just yet.

Weight Watchers has come a long way

Since this is probably close to my 15th time back at weight watchers, I have seen it through many different stages of development. From the sliding point hand held apparatus to the intuitive app that they have now. I am thankful that weight watchers finally came up with something like their current app with 24/7 chat- which believe me, I have used plenty of time in these past two weeks to their food finder where I can go to any major restaurant and readily find point values. I used to deprive myself of eating at restaurants while I was on weight watchers because I was afraid to miscalculate points and depriving myself of social gatherings at restaurants was not helping me stay on plan; and when I did go out to restaurants I became the master of rounding down on the point values. I went to the Cheesecake factory last night and found something delicious and filling on their skinnylicious menu. I questioned the item's 15 point value but thought I would trust the validity of the app and just rolled with it. Last week I went to red robin and although I wanted a burger, I didn't think ahead enough to save points for a burger- so I had the ensenada chicken platter; totally delish. I attended a luncheon this week as well at Tuscany (they have great food, btw) and I was doing my best to keep my phone on the table to calculate as I ate through the multi course family style meal. By the end of the meal, I was shocked that I didn't touch my white chocolate mousse cake with white chocolate shavings on it. I did have the mixed berries and some of the whipped cream  and you know what? I survived. Not without a little help from my friends though. My good friends Kathy and Bob who were also at the table are long time weight watchers and cheered me on with every good decision I made along the way. That is what makes the difference! The people who are with you in support, cheering you on along the way. Without them, I know that I would've been face deep in the vodka sauce pasta and white chocolate mousse.

I've been really good all week with tracking and staying within my points but I've already psyched myself into thinking how I won't have a successful weigh in on Monday. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know I'm not the only person who does this. I'm already preparing myself for the failure that hasn't occurred.