Another weigh in and a few random thoughts.

So I haven't been on here in a while because I have been trying to catch up with life a little and schoolwork. I spent some time in DC for the ACE (higher ed conference) with colleagues from the Doctoral program I am in. There was open bar and food galore from bacon wrapped scallops to fillet and well, you name it. Something I realized from this trip is that I still can't eat everything even if I wanted to because my body is still recovering from surgery and I am grateful because I would've eaten the whole damn buffet had I been able to. Secondly, I noticed that I am finally at a place where I can leave food in my plate and walk away from it. I don't need to finish every last bite which has been customary for me every time I ate anything. We had a dinner at a really nice restaurant the last night of the conference, courtesy of our program and I actually left some salmon in my plate- didn't eat the potatoes and ate a few bites of the pear cobbler. I was absolutely fine and I survived. This is a huge success for me.

Today I weighed in after not having been to weight watchers in a couple weeks. I was down 4 for a total of 28 pounds lost. I received the 25lb charm and I was absolutely delighted. It was a familiar feeling because I've done this before, but it was still a special moment for me. I won't say that I don't feel a little guilty since I was sick for much of the time which resulted in weight loss but I'm still going to take it.

Another more emotional thought I wanted to write about is that I was singing for a funeral today, which isn't uncommon since I belong to the Church choir that sings for funerals. However, today the congregation celebrated the life of a man who was younger than we usually see and the person who offered words of remembrance mentioned that the deceased struggled with sobriety. Immediately in my head I thought, oh- ok it all makes sense now. Like it would make sense that he would die early because he had trouble with sobriety. How ignorant of me; and then I thought that I am no different. Struggling with food addiction is much like struggling with sobriety. I too have been at an Overeaters Anonymous group meeting where we take the same tenants as an AA meeting. However, my mind began to wander to "what if it was me"? Would someone see my picture and say oh, that makes sense now- she was morbidly obese. I know these aren't the most pleasant of thoughts but I wanted to share them because I know for certain I'm not the only person who struggles with these ideas popping into my head. My Doctor was talking to me about a woman who had steatohepatitis and has needed two liver transplants so far. I couldn't help but think, really? She can't get it together with her weight enough after the first liver that she needed another one? Another ignorant and arrogant thought that went through my head, because he also told me that could be me if I didn't make the changes necessary. I am doing everything I can to stay strong and make the changes that I need to make in my life and lifestyle but it is hard not to have negative feelings from time to time. Instead of shutting those feelings out like I would do before and then end up eating my feelings, I have decided to get the feelings out and share them so I can embrace how I feel and hopefully have some resolve.

It's weigh in day again!

Is it just me or does anyone else get nervous when they wake up in the morning on weigh in day? I'm still recovering from some of the complications I experienced from my surgeries last month and I can finally say that most solids are going down well- a little too well. It was much easier to lose weight on the liquid diet my Doctors demanded of me, but once I went back on solids I felt like I had to make up for lost time. I didn't, but really only because my belly wasn't letting me do that yet. I was down 4.3 this week which makes for a total of...drum roll please ^^^^^^ 24.0 lbs. The only reason I'm hesitant to celebrate is because for the majority of this past month, I wasn't able to eat solid food, so even my Doctor told me last week that this isn't intentional weight loss so it's considered cheating. I'm not going to be that hard on myself though, I'll take it as a win and move right along.

Since I was in the hospital while we were supposed to take our family trip to Disney for my Dad's 75th- it's been rescheduled for the end of March and I am excited and nervous at the same time. Not nervous for all the food options that are so good they leave your mouth watering for days, but nervous because of the pictures. If you've ever been unhappy with your weight and you looked at yourself in a picture, you know what I'm talking about. When you go on a trip like Disney, you want to cherish those memories for a lifetime; especially when you're taking your little ones. On one hand, I am sad that I've avoided being in pictures with my kids for the past 4 years but on the other hand I feel like it would make me unhappy to see what I really look like in those pictures and in some strange way if I don't take a picture of myself looking my worst- then it's like it never happened. I just don't want my kids to pull out pictures in 20 years and say "wow, you were really heavy Mom". Then again, I don't want my kids to pull out pictures and say, "where were you Mom"?

I also have to head to DC for school this weekend for a conference- yes, I have to fly. Now for everyone who knows me, they know it's my biggest fear; even though I've done plenty of it over the years. One of those irrational fears of sorts. Part of the anxiety comes from sitting in a tight airplane seat and waiting for the flight attendant to check and see if the seat belt fits me- or God forbid if she asks me in advance if I need an extender. All things that are running through my head this week.