So I haven't been on here in a while because I have been trying to catch up with life a little and schoolwork. I spent some time in DC for the ACE (higher ed conference) with colleagues from the Doctoral program I am in. There was open bar and food galore from bacon wrapped scallops to fillet and well, you name it. Something I realized from this trip is that I still can't eat everything even if I wanted to because my body is still recovering from surgery and I am grateful because I would've eaten the whole damn buffet had I been able to. Secondly, I noticed that I am finally at a place where I can leave food in my plate and walk away from it. I don't need to finish every last bite which has been customary for me every time I ate anything. We had a dinner at a really nice restaurant the last night of the conference, courtesy of our program and I actually left some salmon in my plate- didn't eat the potatoes and ate a few bites of the pear cobbler. I was absolutely fine and I survived. This is a huge success for me.
Today I weighed in after not having been to weight watchers in a couple weeks. I was down 4 for a total of 28 pounds lost. I received the 25lb charm and I was absolutely delighted. It was a familiar feeling because I've done this before, but it was still a special moment for me. I won't say that I don't feel a little guilty since I was sick for much of the time which resulted in weight loss but I'm still going to take it.
Another more emotional thought I wanted to write about is that I was singing for a funeral today, which isn't uncommon since I belong to the Church choir that sings for funerals. However, today the congregation celebrated the life of a man who was younger than we usually see and the person who offered words of remembrance mentioned that the deceased struggled with sobriety. Immediately in my head I thought, oh- ok it all makes sense now. Like it would make sense that he would die early because he had trouble with sobriety. How ignorant of me; and then I thought that I am no different. Struggling with food addiction is much like struggling with sobriety. I too have been at an Overeaters Anonymous group meeting where we take the same tenants as an AA meeting. However, my mind began to wander to "what if it was me"? Would someone see my picture and say oh, that makes sense now- she was morbidly obese. I know these aren't the most pleasant of thoughts but I wanted to share them because I know for certain I'm not the only person who struggles with these ideas popping into my head. My Doctor was talking to me about a woman who had steatohepatitis and has needed two liver transplants so far. I couldn't help but think, really? She can't get it together with her weight enough after the first liver that she needed another one? Another ignorant and arrogant thought that went through my head, because he also told me that could be me if I didn't make the changes necessary. I am doing everything I can to stay strong and make the changes that I need to make in my life and lifestyle but it is hard not to have negative feelings from time to time. Instead of shutting those feelings out like I would do before and then end up eating my feelings, I have decided to get the feelings out and share them so I can embrace how I feel and hopefully have some resolve.
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