Withdrawal

Well ladies and gents, I didn't weigh in this week due to craziness with the kiddos schedules, but I do know that I wouldn't want to see what the scale says anyways. I know I'm not back up to where I started this time but I do know that I was feeling unmotivated until I saw my friend's blog about whole 30. I am motivated by other people's success and after researching more about whole 30, I decided it's not quite for me but what is for me is to go back to my low carb lifestyle for a while until I can lose a little more weight to motivate myself to get back on track. Yes, that's right; losing weight motivates me to lose more weight. When I do the low carb deal, I still eat fruits and veggies and I don't go all Atkins or anything, I mostly stick with low fat meats and cheeses. I still have my coffee with just a touch of regular coffee creamer in the morning, because it's what I wake up for and I am not a pretty sight without it. In fact, I think my 4 year old even recognizes when I haven't had my coffee yet.
With that said, I'm hungry as hell. Hungry for the things that of course I have tried to cut out, like refined sugars, flour, breads, rice, etc. You get the idea. However, I will tell you that strawberries and blueberries never tasted so sweet! It's like eating candy. Sorry, I lied. It's not like eating candy, but it is sweet as heck and I am shocked at how much I am enjoying fruit. Today, I even decided that I would prepare one veggie per day to have around the house to snack. I made roasted carrots in the oven today, they were delish. Hard core low to no carbers would tell you that I shouldn't have my sweet potatoes or watermelon. I just can't roll that way, I need to still have foods that I enjoy within reason: otherwise I will without question end up binge eating all the things that I haven't been eating and then some. I had such success with eating low carb several years ago that I forgot why I stopped doing that. It was definitely something I could handle and helped me get a hold on my food addiction. I have a sugar addiction for sure, so this is good for me. Yes, I'm a bit crabbier than usual and yes, I go from 0-100 on the hunger scale in a matter of seconds. The first day I tried this, I attempted to cut my diet coke habit too. BAD IDEA! Don't recommend going cold turkey. I decided that I would let myself have one diet pop a day, that has been much better for me.

I haven't exactly been great about working out lately, in fact I'm lazier than usual. One thing at a time, I suppose. I can't do it all at once since this is not a quick fix but a lifestyle change. My husband and I have been considering baby #3. However, I will preface this by saying part of me doesn't know if we will forge ahead due to my weight issues. With all the yoyo dieting and up and down weight gains and losses, I am not sure it's a healthy move to go ahead and lose weight just to put it right back on during a pregnancy and then attempt to lose it again after. However, we are considering the possibility of another baby and I know that being the weight I am, it's a bad idea. With gestational diabetes, hypertension and probably many other issues that you could google- it's all looming over my head when I think about babies. In fact, I saw a relatively obese woman at the mall the other day who was pregnant and I automatically thought to myself- what the heck is this woman thinking? Why would she put herself and her baby at risk like that? I stopped myself because people may have looked at me and thought the same thing during my last pregnancy. That woman could be me.

One motivation for this new lifestyle of low carb which I am trying is because we had some people over a couple weeks ago and one of the little kids my son was playing with drew a picture of our family. The sweet kid was drawing me as bigger than Tommy thought she should, so he got all upset and bent out of shape that she was drawing me ugly. This is one of the things I've dreaded, the day that my kid discovers that I'm fat. No really, he doesn't see me like that when he looks at me like that. It's others that teach him to see me like that, he learns that I'm fat. He wasn't born knowing or thinking I was fat. It was definitely a conversation we had to have, since he was so upset about it. It breaks my heart that he had to get so worked up about something that I've done to myself and that I struggle with daily. In fact, as I got him from the bus today in my yoga pants and t-shirt, I was immediately covering myself because I thought about how all the kids would see me crossing the street to get him from the bus and they would probably say something about me the next day on the bus. I don't want to do this to him and it only gets worse as they get older because kids can be mean and they often say what they think without considering the consequences.