It's a fine line, friends. I found myself turning a day of grazing on foods I usually avoid, to self proclaiming that it was my cheat day. First of all, shouldn't it be a cheat meal, not a cheat day? Yes, I do restrict myself to stay within the low carb area, but that is intentional for me FOR NOW. I may not always need to do so, however, sugar is my trigger, and I cannot have a healthy relationship with foods containing sugar at this time. I have just started to incorporate berries back in to my diet as they are a lower sugar fruit.
So, what is the difference between a cheat day or a binge day? I have overheard people at my gym say they're going to have a cheat meal by ordering pizza, and then it occurred to me that if we put a negative connotation to it, we are going to make it a negative experience, and I don't need anymore help on that. As someone who has a binge eating problem that mostly does it in private as not to be ashamed in front of people, it is a real struggle to be able to eat certain foods in moderation. I almost feel like if I call it a cheat day, I will inevitably make it something unhealthy for myself in the long run. When I had my self proclaimed cheat day, it turned in to a mega binge, and I cannot afford to do that to myself after having made so much progress. It started with popcorn, then quickly went to oreos, cereal, chocolate that wasn't even all that good, pop tarts, and that is just the beginning. I went swiftly down the rabbit hole. I did step on the scale the next day and noticed a change, not for the better- but this time it didn't seem to make an impact on my next steps. This is where I would get caught up in the past, I would tell myself that since I was already in a binge cycle, I may as well just continue on with it until it was over...then I realized, I have the power to end it and not let the cycle continue.
Why am I sharing this? Because this is the absolute first time in my memory that I can remember having a binge that was just one day in length, and it wasn't actually the entire day either. No, I'm not happy that I did have a binge, but boy am I proud that it didn't last weeks and months as in the past.
Progress, not perfection.
Friday, October 4, 2019
Monday, July 29, 2019
A work in progress...
It's been a while since I have posted, but I really want to be intentional and transparent- if I don't have anything to say, I won't write for the sake of writing. I went to a family wedding for my husband's side a couple weeks ago, and it really got me to thinking about the journey I have been on for the past several years. I try hard not to live in the past, but if I'm being honest, I can tell you that I would dread being invited to weddings- sometimes even declining due to my weight, the way I looked, and most incredulously, the way I felt. I would stress for weeks about who I would see, what would they think when they saw me now, would they recognize me? Would they take pity on me and my 300 pound frame? The anxious being in me came up with every scenario, and none of it was positive. I would spend lots of time looking online for a plus size dress (plus size dresses have come a long way, but it hasn't always been that way), would I still be ordering an 18 when I damn well knew that I would be busting from the seams, but my stubborn German self would never order a 20 for fear of admission that it's where I really was at the time. Then it would come to the dinner, I LOVE FOOD, friends, I just do. I love every part of wedding food, from the appetizers, to the salad, soup, dinner and my absolute favorite...the wedding cake. I don't mind a glass or two of champagne either! The rub with this, is that I never actually could enjoy the food at a wedding either- why? Because I was too busy worrying about what everyone else would think of me at the table, were they watching me? Did they think about how much I was eating and eat less because they didn't want to end up like me? It's a wicked, wicked cycle. Let's flash forward to life now and me trying to come to terms with my relationship with food and the anxiety it brings me. So, we went to Tom’s cousins wedding, it was beautiful, the couple was so thoughtful in all their details. Still, weeks in advance, I ordered 2 dresses, one in a size that I knew would fit me, and one in the size that I wish I was. Who does that ladies and gentlemen? It's pure torture to have a dress sitting in front of you for weeks (mine came in 2 weeks early, which I guess I should say Thanks Rent the Runway?) and know for certain that you shouldn't even be trying it on because it's not going to fit you? With all the self discipline and hard work I have done, why would I put myself in a position to feel bad about myself and my body? But I still chose to do that. I went ahead and only tried on the size I knew wouldn't fit 3 times, and guess what- it didn't fit any of those times. However, I decided to proudly wear what I planned and did my best not to critique myself. In fact, I haven't worn a sleeveless gown in about 9 years, and this time I did it- with minimal judgment from myself. Don't worry, I only deleted one Facebook picture because I couldn't stand the look of the loose skin from my arm hanging down. Just for reference and honesty, I am at 189 and a size 14, I have been up and down quite a bit, so loose skin is an issue for me. Come dinner time, I was calm and collected as I passed on the potatoes and wedding cake and yes, even the salad because it had a vinaigrette that I could tell had enough sugar to put me in a place to say- the hell with it, I'm eating whatever I want tonight. I thought back to some reading I have been doing lately, at the suggestion of a close friend- I just finished a book called Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst, something she wrote really stuck with me, it was about knowing where you are at. For example, if I know that just a little sugar from a vinaigrette dressing is going to lead me down the rabbit hole of binge eating, then why would I put myself in that position if I'm not ready to handle it? I have in the past said, oh the hell with it, I'm going to have that blizzard because I deserve it and it's delicious. However, it may have taken me days, weeks or even months to get out of the binge cycle. That is something I am not willing to do to myself at this time, and I hope that someday I will be able to be in a place where I can have a blizzard and move along back to my healthy eating lifestyle, but I am aware enough to know that now is not that time.
I am trying to focus on being grateful for the body I have and how strong I have become, and of course, what my body allows for me to be able to accomplish these days; being active with my kids, running a half marathon, making it through difficult workout classes. However, it is taking hard work in every decision I make with food, harder than I thought. Be grateful and be in the moment- if I think too far ahead, or too far in the past, it puts me in an unhealthy place. Sometimes I feel bad that I think about myself and my issues before I think about the fact that I am there to celebrate someone else at their special event, but those of you who struggle with binge eating or any other type of eating disorders or even those of you that struggle with anxiety probably understand that it is well beyond my control. It doesn't make me any less happy for the couple or even person celebrating an occasion, it is just my process for now. I say for now, because I look for a day that I can break free. If you struggle with some of these issues like I do, or if you have felt the pain or disappointment that I have felt, I am here to tell you that you are not alone, you are beautiful, you are worthy of all the love you can receive.
Friday, February 8, 2019
Still haven't found what I'm looking for
It occurred to me the other day that I haven't written my snarky comments to the inter webs lately...so here you go!
I have been staying consistent with a fitness routine lately, even past the half marathon, which let me tell you...I'M SHOCKED. I hated movement more than anyone I know and can honestly say that I've kept up with running twice a week and going to GCP twice a week and I am totally happy with that for now. I thought that as soon as my goal of running a half marathon was over, that I would be dunzo and never to be seen on the running path again, but I was wrong. I was wrong, and I'm grateful for that.
Eating is another story. Guess what? I'm still a binge eating food addicted, flawed human being. I mean this with the utmost respect for where I've been and where I'm headed. I went back to weight watchers (now I guess they call it WW) a few weeks back and was able to lose 10 pounds, but if I'm being honest, I had gained that during the 2 weeks leading up to the holidays. With counting points and staying around my daily point values (I usually ate more than what I was supposed to) and with the exercise regimen, I was able to lose the weight. BUT for some reason, this week I couldn't stay out of my pantry and my fridge and since honesty is policy here, I couldn't stay out of the drive thru's either. Some of you know I was no stranger to the drive thru experience, sometimes stopping at 3 different drive thrus in the same sitting, pretending I had lots of people in the back of the van that I was ordering for. Usually, it was just me. All I can say is that if I look for the positive in the experience from this past week, I didn't binge as badly or on the things that I used to binge on. Meaning, in the past years when I would go get a big mac, some fries, a mcflurry, a starbucks cake pop and frappe, then hit up taco bell.. you get the picture. Yesterday I did get myself a starbucks cake pop, I had some pancakes because they are delicious, grabbed a salad in between, had some honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces and that was just the first third of the day. When I really took a hard look at my day, I wasn't happy with myself, I wasn't pleased, and I sure as heck didn't find what I was looking for. In fact, I don't know what I was looking for, but everything I ate was an attempt to fill some sort of void and it failed- It didn't do one thing for me. I suppose that's why I kept searching, kept eating until I felt like I would either feel full, satisfied or gasp, happy. Now, God has given me many, countless blessings. I am grateful for my beautiful children, my husband, my entire family and loyal friends that support me each day. However, with all this support, with all the time, energy, and money spent on trying to get rid of and combat this addiction to food and binge eating, it's still there. It bothers the hell out of me that it's one of the only things in my life that I can't get under control. Sometimes it lays dormant, sometimes it is raging, but it is always there. Maybe if I start to accept that it won't ever be gone, I will be much happier with the relationship I have with food? I honestly don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that I am listening to myself, my body, my heart and my soul after these binge sessions and they leave me feeling nothing but empty and sick. When I was really struggling, I remember a time when I ate so much I physically became ill and vomited form all the eating. TMI? Sorry! It's your choice to read past that part. I haven't been back to that place, which makes me believe that although this will never be gone, I'm in a better place than I used to be.
I recently had someone tell me that it was hard to believe that I had an issue with eating, since I seemed to be pretty fit and looked good physically. This made me think, how many others out there are struggling with this but don't physically look like it, so they keep it all inside for themselves. If you are that person, I see you, I feel you and I know you. I really thank those of you that have complimented me on the hard work and the changes that you can and can't see, it does make me feel better about things and actually motivates me to stay on track.
Thanks for all your support along this journey, friends.
I have been staying consistent with a fitness routine lately, even past the half marathon, which let me tell you...I'M SHOCKED. I hated movement more than anyone I know and can honestly say that I've kept up with running twice a week and going to GCP twice a week and I am totally happy with that for now. I thought that as soon as my goal of running a half marathon was over, that I would be dunzo and never to be seen on the running path again, but I was wrong. I was wrong, and I'm grateful for that.
Eating is another story. Guess what? I'm still a binge eating food addicted, flawed human being. I mean this with the utmost respect for where I've been and where I'm headed. I went back to weight watchers (now I guess they call it WW) a few weeks back and was able to lose 10 pounds, but if I'm being honest, I had gained that during the 2 weeks leading up to the holidays. With counting points and staying around my daily point values (I usually ate more than what I was supposed to) and with the exercise regimen, I was able to lose the weight. BUT for some reason, this week I couldn't stay out of my pantry and my fridge and since honesty is policy here, I couldn't stay out of the drive thru's either. Some of you know I was no stranger to the drive thru experience, sometimes stopping at 3 different drive thrus in the same sitting, pretending I had lots of people in the back of the van that I was ordering for. Usually, it was just me. All I can say is that if I look for the positive in the experience from this past week, I didn't binge as badly or on the things that I used to binge on. Meaning, in the past years when I would go get a big mac, some fries, a mcflurry, a starbucks cake pop and frappe, then hit up taco bell.. you get the picture. Yesterday I did get myself a starbucks cake pop, I had some pancakes because they are delicious, grabbed a salad in between, had some honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces and that was just the first third of the day. When I really took a hard look at my day, I wasn't happy with myself, I wasn't pleased, and I sure as heck didn't find what I was looking for. In fact, I don't know what I was looking for, but everything I ate was an attempt to fill some sort of void and it failed- It didn't do one thing for me. I suppose that's why I kept searching, kept eating until I felt like I would either feel full, satisfied or gasp, happy. Now, God has given me many, countless blessings. I am grateful for my beautiful children, my husband, my entire family and loyal friends that support me each day. However, with all this support, with all the time, energy, and money spent on trying to get rid of and combat this addiction to food and binge eating, it's still there. It bothers the hell out of me that it's one of the only things in my life that I can't get under control. Sometimes it lays dormant, sometimes it is raging, but it is always there. Maybe if I start to accept that it won't ever be gone, I will be much happier with the relationship I have with food? I honestly don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that I am listening to myself, my body, my heart and my soul after these binge sessions and they leave me feeling nothing but empty and sick. When I was really struggling, I remember a time when I ate so much I physically became ill and vomited form all the eating. TMI? Sorry! It's your choice to read past that part. I haven't been back to that place, which makes me believe that although this will never be gone, I'm in a better place than I used to be.
I recently had someone tell me that it was hard to believe that I had an issue with eating, since I seemed to be pretty fit and looked good physically. This made me think, how many others out there are struggling with this but don't physically look like it, so they keep it all inside for themselves. If you are that person, I see you, I feel you and I know you. I really thank those of you that have complimented me on the hard work and the changes that you can and can't see, it does make me feel better about things and actually motivates me to stay on track.
Thanks for all your support along this journey, friends.
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