It occurred to me the other day that I haven't written my snarky comments to the inter webs lately...so here you go!
I have been staying consistent with a fitness routine lately, even past the half marathon, which let me tell you...I'M SHOCKED. I hated movement more than anyone I know and can honestly say that I've kept up with running twice a week and going to GCP twice a week and I am totally happy with that for now. I thought that as soon as my goal of running a half marathon was over, that I would be dunzo and never to be seen on the running path again, but I was wrong. I was wrong, and I'm grateful for that.
Eating is another story. Guess what? I'm still a binge eating food addicted, flawed human being. I mean this with the utmost respect for where I've been and where I'm headed. I went back to weight watchers (now I guess they call it WW) a few weeks back and was able to lose 10 pounds, but if I'm being honest, I had gained that during the 2 weeks leading up to the holidays. With counting points and staying around my daily point values (I usually ate more than what I was supposed to) and with the exercise regimen, I was able to lose the weight. BUT for some reason, this week I couldn't stay out of my pantry and my fridge and since honesty is policy here, I couldn't stay out of the drive thru's either. Some of you know I was no stranger to the drive thru experience, sometimes stopping at 3 different drive thrus in the same sitting, pretending I had lots of people in the back of the van that I was ordering for. Usually, it was just me. All I can say is that if I look for the positive in the experience from this past week, I didn't binge as badly or on the things that I used to binge on. Meaning, in the past years when I would go get a big mac, some fries, a mcflurry, a starbucks cake pop and frappe, then hit up taco bell.. you get the picture. Yesterday I did get myself a starbucks cake pop, I had some pancakes because they are delicious, grabbed a salad in between, had some honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces and that was just the first third of the day. When I really took a hard look at my day, I wasn't happy with myself, I wasn't pleased, and I sure as heck didn't find what I was looking for. In fact, I don't know what I was looking for, but everything I ate was an attempt to fill some sort of void and it failed- It didn't do one thing for me. I suppose that's why I kept searching, kept eating until I felt like I would either feel full, satisfied or gasp, happy. Now, God has given me many, countless blessings. I am grateful for my beautiful children, my husband, my entire family and loyal friends that support me each day. However, with all this support, with all the time, energy, and money spent on trying to get rid of and combat this addiction to food and binge eating, it's still there. It bothers the hell out of me that it's one of the only things in my life that I can't get under control. Sometimes it lays dormant, sometimes it is raging, but it is always there. Maybe if I start to accept that it won't ever be gone, I will be much happier with the relationship I have with food? I honestly don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that I am listening to myself, my body, my heart and my soul after these binge sessions and they leave me feeling nothing but empty and sick. When I was really struggling, I remember a time when I ate so much I physically became ill and vomited form all the eating. TMI? Sorry! It's your choice to read past that part. I haven't been back to that place, which makes me believe that although this will never be gone, I'm in a better place than I used to be.
I recently had someone tell me that it was hard to believe that I had an issue with eating, since I seemed to be pretty fit and looked good physically. This made me think, how many others out there are struggling with this but don't physically look like it, so they keep it all inside for themselves. If you are that person, I see you, I feel you and I know you. I really thank those of you that have complimented me on the hard work and the changes that you can and can't see, it does make me feel better about things and actually motivates me to stay on track.
Thanks for all your support along this journey, friends.
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