A work in progress...

It's been a while since I have posted, but I really want to be intentional and transparent- if I don't have anything to say, I won't write for the sake of writing. I went to a family wedding for my husband's side a couple weeks ago, and it really got me to thinking about the journey I have been on for the past several years. I try hard not to live in the past, but if I'm being honest, I can tell you that I would dread being invited to weddings- sometimes even declining due to my weight, the way I looked, and most incredulously, the way I felt. I would stress for weeks about who I would see, what would they think when they saw me now, would they recognize me? Would they take pity on me and my 300 pound frame? The anxious being in me came up with every scenario, and none of it was positive. I would spend lots of time looking online for a plus size dress (plus size dresses have come a long way, but it hasn't always been that way), would I still be ordering an 18 when I damn well knew that I would be busting from the seams, but my stubborn German self would never order a 20 for fear of admission that it's where I really was at the time. Then it would come to the dinner, I LOVE FOOD, friends, I just do. I love every part of wedding food, from the appetizers, to the salad, soup, dinner and my absolute favorite...the wedding cake. I don't mind a glass or two of champagne either! The rub with this, is that I never actually could enjoy the food at a wedding either- why? Because I was too busy worrying about what everyone else would think of me at the table, were they watching me? Did they think about how much I was eating and eat less because they didn't want to end up like me? It's a wicked, wicked cycle. Let's flash forward to life now and me trying to come to terms with my relationship with food and the anxiety it brings me. So, we went to Tom’s cousins wedding, it was beautiful, the couple was so thoughtful in all their details. Still, weeks in advance, I ordered  2 dresses, one in a size that I knew would fit me, and one in the size that I wish I was. Who does that ladies and gentlemen? It's pure torture to have a dress sitting in front of you for weeks (mine came in 2 weeks early, which I guess I should say Thanks Rent the Runway?) and know for certain that you shouldn't even be trying it on because it's not going to fit you? With all the self discipline and hard work I have done, why would I put myself in a position to feel bad about myself and my body? But I still chose to do that. I went ahead and only tried on the size I knew wouldn't fit 3 times, and guess what- it didn't fit any of those times. However, I decided to proudly wear what I planned and did my best not to critique myself. In fact, I haven't worn a sleeveless gown in about 9 years, and this time I did it- with minimal judgment from myself. Don't worry, I only deleted one Facebook picture because I couldn't stand the look of the loose skin from my arm hanging down. Just for reference and honesty, I am at 189 and a size 14, I have been up and down quite a bit, so loose skin is an issue for me. Come dinner time, I was calm and collected as I passed on the potatoes and wedding cake and yes, even the salad because it had a vinaigrette that I could tell had enough sugar to put me in a place to say- the hell with it, I'm eating whatever I want tonight. I thought back to some reading I have been doing lately, at the suggestion of a close friend- I just finished a book called Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst, something she wrote really stuck with me, it was about knowing where you are at. For example, if I know that just a little sugar from a vinaigrette dressing is going to lead me down the rabbit hole of binge eating, then why would I put myself in that position if I'm not ready to handle it? I have in the past said, oh the hell with it, I'm going to have that blizzard because I deserve it and it's delicious. However, it may have taken me days, weeks or even months to get out of the binge cycle. That is something I am not willing to do to myself at this time, and I hope that someday I will be able to be in a place where I can have a blizzard and move along back to my healthy eating lifestyle, but I am aware enough to know that now is not that time.
I am trying to focus on being grateful for the body I have and how strong I have become, and of course, what my body allows for me to be able to accomplish these days; being active with my kids, running a half marathon, making it through difficult workout classes. However, it is taking hard work in every decision I make with food, harder than I thought. Be grateful and be in the moment- if I think too far ahead, or too far in the past, it puts me in an unhealthy place. Sometimes I feel bad that I think about myself and my issues before I think about the fact that I am there to celebrate someone else at their special event, but those of you who struggle with binge eating or any other type of eating disorders or even those of you that struggle with anxiety probably understand that it is well beyond my control. It doesn't make me any less happy for the couple or even person celebrating an occasion, it is just my process for now. I say for now, because I look for a day that I can break free. If you struggle with some of these issues like I do, or if you have felt the pain or disappointment that I have felt, I am here to tell you that you are not alone, you are beautiful, you are worthy of all the love you can receive.