Thank you very much

I want to take a moment to thank everyone for being so kind, encouraging and supportive. I have been overwhelmed by everyone's emails, texts, facebook messages. It is so very nice to know I am not alone in this. It's really interesting to me how many people assume if you have your life "together" in some areas, you must have it all together. I'm here to tell you that's simply not true. I actually had someone tell me, "You're writing a dissertation, you're getting your Doctorate- you're clearly intelligent enough to do that, don't you think you can figure this out?" I can't make these things up, people. And yet, I feel like there is a glimmer of truth in what they are saying. Don't flip out, I said glimmer. I am feeling a little more organized and put together with things, such as laundry, food planning and preparation, dishes. I think there's something to be said for things coming together and falling into place when you embark on a journey like this.

For lunch today, I went to Mariano's and hit up the salad bar. Well, let me tell you that I spent 14 points on a salad. Yes, you read that right! I could've actually had a Big Mac instead for exact same amount of points. The thing is, I don't bother with salad unless I like what's on it; I had some tuna salad, olives, crab meat salad, I think you get the point. At first I was discouraged, but I made such a monster salad that I left some for a couple hours later. Now, if this had been last week and I had no accountability or program to follow I would've eaten the whole thing and wouldn't have cared. This is a big win in my book. I also didn't feel gross or heavy when I was done, I felt satiated. I won't say full because I am rarely actually full, if I let myself I really could've done some damage.

On another note, I was at the dermatologist and a little old man was across the waiting area with his daughter. In a note so quiet voice, he said "That girl over there is much bigger than me". His daughter apologized and said he was a little senile but I found it more humorous than anything. Older people are like children in that way, they speak the truth. There were quite a few people in that waiting room and I can honestly tell you that I wasn't embarrassed, it just made me aware of how others might perceive me.

The Shame Game

I'm sure we've all heard of fat shaming, but let me tell you- it's real. Not only are obese people hard on themselves, they have a world of judgment around them. Whether it's the shame of being too fat for the gym, the shame of going in line and getting your food at a buffet, the shame of only being able to shop in stores that have plus size clothing, the shame of being told that a certain clothing item isn't made in your size, the shame of being too heavy to sit in a canoe with your kids. It's around us, it's everywhere and it's realy very hurtful.

On the eating front...
So I was really good yesterday with watching my points and tracking, naturally I was thin at the end of the day. No really, I was actually feeling thin (because I was good for one day) and I saw myself in the mirror, immediately taken aback by what I saw. WHAT? I'm still fat? How the hell did that happen, I was good all day! That's how I felt in the moment, can you blame me? All that work for one day and still fat. I also noticed that as soon as I go on a diet, I'm hungry. Seriously- I say the word weight watchers and I immediately think of how I'm starving. So, I read about how people deal with the struggle of being hungry while dieting. It's all BS! Drink more water (I don't want water, I want food) Go for a walk (nope, I'm still thinking about food) Have a cup of tea (For real?)  I'm just stuck in a place right now thinking about how this is going to be for the rest of my life. My Doctor asked me why I stopped weight watchers if it worked. I said, because it worked. He said, clearly it didn't and that I would need to get comfortable with watching it for the rest of my life because my metabolism sucks and because I have eating issues. My question for today is, do people ever stop feeling hungry and does it get any easier?

Day 1

It's different this time. Sure, I've been to weight watchers before and actually every other diet program but there is one thing different about this time; I don't have to lose the weight for anyone or anything in particular. I lost 170 pounds before my wedding, lets be honest- doing all sorts of crazy things and I had the motivation to do it. Since having kids, I've lost that drive to fit into a certain size pants, eat well and frankly I could come up with five pages of excuses of why I let the weight pile back on but that's not the purpose of this. I went back to weight watchers yesterday with the help of friends and family and of course the fact that I haven't been fitting in my usual "fat" clothes lately. I was at the Doctor's office yesterday and my Doctor reminded me that I'm fat and every time I come to his office I'm a little fatter. Well, he is blunt and I like it- because it's true.
This morning I found myself chopping veggies, heating up steel cut oats and carefully considering my kids leftover french toast and thought long and hard about whether I would pop those into my mouth of not- because no one would notice. For you see, I struggle with, have always struggled with and will always continue to struggle with food addiction. It isn't pretty- one never knows which Nicole will show up to the party. Will it be fat Nicole, healthy Nicole, thin Nicole- (usually it's fat Nicole) and I love my friends and family for always being tactful and supporting me. BUT this time is different, because I am almost back to the weight of my heaviest. I have some stressors, school, work, two little ones, an internship as well as the sadness that is overwhelming to me from losing both my sweet grandparents in 2014 but there is absolutely no excuse for what I let myself do to my body. Did I mention I have to go on an airplane next month and I am flipping out just thinking if the seat belt will need an extender? I have a food addiction. When I don't remember that, I let it get the best of me and it overcomes me. I can't allow it to this time, because I have little kids that want and need me around and frankly I've become embarrassed by my latest weight gain and I'm out of control. This morning after eating my breakfast, I made some coffee and put lentil soup in the crockpot and stored away some chopped veggies in the fridge. I used to lose steam once I "messed" up just once, but if I think about it in a way, it's supposed to be about progress- not perfection.