It could always be worse

So, it's been a while since I've posted. Not because I've gotten too busy, but I've fallen off the wagon. I felt embarrassed to put in writing that I stopped tracking and counting points, only to stuff my face with things that I haven't really allowed myself to have these past few months. In fact, I went to weight in on Monday, which I was proud of doing because I certainly knew things weren't going to be pretty. I sat in the parking lot, in my car and thought up countless reasons why I shouldn't go inside to step on that scale. I actually became so anxious that I started eating the bag of baked cheetos my son brought into the car the day before. Funny thing is, I turned my head to eat it in the general direction of the heavy set lady in her car, waiting for weight watchers to open; not the skinny lady to my left.  Eventhough I knew I wouldn't be happy with what I saw, I begrudgingly went inside- stepped on the scale and collected the weeks of themed booklets from the times I didn't show up for the meeting or weigh in. Our leader didn't make me feel bad about my long absence from weight watchers, she just said that it was good I came back. I wanted to be honest with myself and where I was. Well, I've gained about 4 pounds since I last wrote on here. It's not terrible, I thought it was going to be much, much worse. I will say that I kept working out everyday, so that's probably the reason it was 4 pounds, and not 14.
So today when I woke up, I decided I was going to do something different to jump start my weight loss. I was going to avoid all complex carbs and sugars that I know I have a weakness for and I know I crave on a daily basis. Only problem is, the first thing I did was reach for the leftovers of my son's bagel without even thinking. Followed by grabbing a handful of chips that I served with lunch for the boys. Then, to top it all off, they had chicken salad wraps at work, in a big tomato pesto fully carb loaded tortilla; you guessed it, I ate that too. I didn't intend on my day going like that, but it did. Yes, I am a little disappointed in myself but I am not back where I started and there have been times in these past few weeks that I have had something in my hand that I was going to put to my mouth, but I made a conscious effort to put it down or throw it away.
Some days, I have the best of intentions and start out great, only to finish off the day totally angry and disappointed with myself on how I let my will power and motivation go. Then, I had a fleeting thought that there is no rush, there is no race, no competition, no wedding dress to fit into. This is for me, for my kids, for my future and my life. This will always be a struggle but there is no race and no finish line. I have to keep reminding myself of that. No one is going to give me a diploma or a certificate of completion at the end of this journey, because there is no end to this journey. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can stop starting over.