You have a beautiful face...

It's that dreaded, double meaning of a compliment. "You have such a beautiful face". Well folks, I'm here to tell you that although as kind as you might think you are being when you say this, it's something I've heard for a majority of my life and it's awful. The things that run through my head when someone says this to me: So you're saying I don't have a beautiful anything else? Wow, they really pity me. It goes on and on and I know I'm not the only one out there. It's the struggle of anyone who has ever had any body image issues and there are many of us. We don't feel completely confident in ourselves, so comments like that can really set us off. Amirite? I only say this because I received this "compliment" this week and I was caught off guard because I hadn't heard it in years and I didn't know quite how to respond. It did, however make me think of my childhood.

I remember being a wee little 2nd grader and it was time to look for a communion dress. I'm sure little girls plus sizes have come a long way since I was 7 and yet I'm sure it hasn't come far enough. I wanted to look like all the other girls, cute white dress with sparkles and pearls; the white clutch to match and some semi-high heeled shoes, don't forget the crown and vail. Yet, every time I looked at pictures of myself, I saw none of that. I saw the face of a very unhappy girl stuffed into her dress becasue her parents couldn't find one that fit well. This is just one memory I have of what I'll call "the stuffing". One of my girlfriends in grade school who I thank to this very day for being so kind to me had to help me zip my jeans up while I lay down on her bed. She didn't just have to zip friends, she hoisted. I remember in that moment how she didn't put me down, she was very gentle emotionally with me about that incident but I will never forget it. Being a 7th grader and needing someone to help zip your size 14 jeans up? It wasn't pretty. Not everyone was so gentle though. We had a band director that told me I looked like a stuffed sausage in my uniform that same year. How does someone of authority do that to a child? I remember it like it was yesterday and I suppose I did look like a stuffed sausage in that uniform but he didn't have to tell me- I already knew. He also didn't have to say it in front of the rest of my classmates. It was awful and it motivated me to go on a binge diet that very same week. It wasn't a healthy diet, but I was so embarassed that I knew I needed to do something.

Grade schoolers are very impressionable, lets be kind with our overweight children. You never know how your comments will affect them short and long term.

It's been a while...

So, I haven't updated in a while. Last week on Monday I weighed in with a 2 pound gain, and this week with a 2.6 pound loss. It all evens out right? Not really. If I think of how I could be way ahead instead of struggling with the same numbers week after week...I can't let myself do that though, that's mean and that wouldn't be me being gentle with myself. I've had a few gains along the way, nothing major and I'm still at 28.2 pounds down. Last weekend was my little Leo's 2nd Birthday party and I had a very hard time with all the cake, cupcakes and goodies around the house. I found myself quickly eating a piece here, or a bite there when no one was looking. It's odd how I feel like I have to eat in private and that if I do, it doesn't really count because no one saw it. Problem is, I saw it, felt it, paid dearly for it when I weighed in last Monday.
I survived a luncheon at Maggianos with a whole bowl of Riggatoni D right in front of me this past weekend, so I'll call this a huge win for the week. I feel like I have come a long way, because I was able to have some (it's my favorite meal in the whole world) but I could stop myself at a certain point and I didn't eat the whole bowl myself. I could have, but I didn't. I ate more than I should have but I didn't eat to the point of making myself sick which is something I was prone to do in the past. I was able to eat a half of piece of cake instead of several pieces. It's really a work in progress, better yet, I am a work in progress.  I considered changing my weigh in day to Fridays since I am really great all week and then screw it all up on weekends, but that wouldn't give me much motivation to keep it together on the weekends, would it?
Good news is that I am feeling alive and I have quite a bit of energy everyday. I have been doing the 21 day fix for 20 days and I still can't believe I've done any workout video for that long. My close friend and I decided we would continue to do the videos but every other day instead of everyday and on our off days we are doing a jog/walk plan to get in shape for a relay sprint triathlon.
Sometimes I forget that I am worth this whole process. It is hard, it is grueling and I want to quit much of the time. I find comfort in knowing I am not the only one that feels this way. I also know that throwing in the towel isn't an option.

Cautiously optimistic

So ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to say that I've lost the 3 pounds that I gained from vacation (plus a little more). I was watching everything I put in my mouth, counted all my points AND I worked out every single day. I don't think I've ever worked out for 7 days straight in my entire life, I would always give myself a rest day. However, I'm finding the 21 day fix rather motivational and the 30 minutes fly by. I am reminded tonight though, that this food addiction is alive and well. I went grocery shopping earlier and looked over to my right while I was waiting for check out. I saw some mediocre looking carrot cake cookies- they almost looked like whoopie pies. I can't say they are my favorite, they didn't look all that great but in that moment I contemplated throwing it all away to buy the box, sit in my car and eat them all one by one. It's sick, I know- I've worked so hard to shed the weight and I could have ruined it for myself right there in some semi-good looking carrot cake cookies. Good news is that I stayed strong and I didn't do it. I went home, had some turkey dogs, salad, skinny pop and skinny cow ice cream. I ate within my points and I even surprised myself when I noticed that I kept using the same measuring cup to make sure I'm not over-eating on the popcorn.

Yesterday I made a book on shutterfly for my parents of all the pictures we took on our vacation to Disney. At first when I saw myself in pictures, I decided not to include those pictures in the book because I didn't want to see myself that way and I didn't want anyone else to either. I was even surprised to see some of the pictures because quite honestly, I don't feel the way I look. I feel like a normal sized person, in fact I feel like a skinny person in a trapped body- something I may always struggle with. I think it's all about taking time to adjust, since when I was thin, I was always buying clothes too big and acting like a fat person in a skinny person's body. Eventually, I put all the pictures in the book because my boys and my family loves me any which way. I have to not be so selfish and learn to live with myself in the moment, in the past and the future. I need to accept that I am more than my weight problems. I was talking to one of my friends this weekend at school and I expressed my discontent with how I have to think about every damn thing I put in my mouth. I said that I envied people who could eat what they wanted when they wanted and could live their life free of worry about food all the time. It then occurred to me that almost everyone thinks about food. Skinny people for the most part are skinny because they put the work in, they eat well and make good decisions about their eating habits. Some food for thought for this gal!

It's only failure if you don't learn from it

I haven't written in a while because I've been a little busy with travel and family commitments. I will say that Disney was an absolute dream and I am so thankful to my parents for taking my whole family there for a week of fun. That being said, I fell off the wagon. It started with my Birthday, I let myself enjoy the things that I really like; eggs Benedict, birthday cake. Then I let it go on until I left for vacation and then once in Disney, all hell broke loose. I ate like it was my last meal for the first two days but then was sick from not being used to that and not having my medication with me. I scaled it back but still ate way beyond what I should have. I kept telling myself that I was walking so much that it didn't matter what I ate and I knew it wasn't true, but I used that excuse nonetheless. When I returned home, it was time for Easter so I once again indulged in things I shouldn't have. However, I was selective about the candy and ate my annual cadberry egg and Easter colored m&ms. I left it at that. Next day, I went to weight watchers and weighed in. I knew it wouldn't be good, just didn't know exactly where the scale would be. I gained 3 pounds and you know what? I thought it would be worse, so I'll take this opportunity to jump back on the wagon and hopefully I'll lose the 3 I gained. This is but a minor set back and I can persevere through this. I thought more deeply about my decisions this time and made better choices than I would have, I knew in the moment I was choosing the wrong path but at least I'm stopping here and working my way back up. 3 pounds isn't the end of the world and believe me when I say it could have been much, much worse. Especially with all the buffets that were included on our Disney dining plan. It's Tuesday and although I went a little over my points yesterday, I am on track today and did the first day of the 21 fix exercises with a great, supportive friend. I have had a couple of family occasions the past couple days and saw people that I hadn't seen in a while. Years and up to even months ago, I would have told you that I was too embarrassed to go to things because I didn't want people to see me this way. I am feeling more confident that I am who I am and I will not belittle myself into hiding from people. Take me as I am. Sometimes I am thin and most of the time I am fat, love me or leave me because my weight doesn't define who I am. I am proud that I know this now.