What if?

Sometimes I think what if... What if I wasn't consumed by the thought of food 24/7? What if I wasn't always concerned about my weight, my food addiction. I spend a lot of time looking at others and wonder if they too are consumed with the thought of food and how it can control their lives, I wonder if they too struggle with depression and anxiety even though they have so much to be grateful for in their lives.
We all have our issues, we all have our "thing" that consumes us from time to time. I had the privilege of going away for a couple days to one of our favorite vacation spots last weekend- VEGAS! I was nervous for a few reasons: Those of you who know me, know that I have a serious fear of flying and a serious irrational fear (although just a few months ago I wouldn't have called this irrational) of not fitting in the seat. I've played the scene out in my head about a million times- the flight attendant very publicly comes up to me and tells me that I need to buy another seat, or use a seat belt extender. None of this has ever happened to me, but in my mind it has. A few milestones happened in Vegas this past weekend that I thought I should share. I hit up my favorite buffet at the Wynn which I was both excited and worried about. I hoped I would be able to stop myself from making too many trips back to the buffet line and I was worried that I would choose the wrong foods. At first I didn't even look at the dessert area and then I thought, seriously Nicole? Not even look at the desserts? So I tested myself and went over to my favorite area. I took more than I should have, brought it to the table and took one bite out of each dessert I wanted to try. I'm going to call this a success. I didn't finish things that weren't amazing just because it was there and GASP, I actually left food in my plate. This is huge for me and what is even more shocking is that one of the days, I actually forgot about lunch. This is not typical at all for me, but for once I wasn't completely planning everything around my food intake. There was so much do see, do, hear that I was really not thinking about food all the time.
I did weigh in when I got back, just go keep myself honest and I lost another 2 pounds which brings me to 57 pounds and some change. I'm thankful that I made it though Thanksgiving and a vacation to my favorite spot without completely screwing everything up.

The big 5-0

Well friends, it happened. I stepped on the scale last week for the much anticipated 50 pound weight loss mark and guess what? I didn't make it. Instead of crying my eyes out, I brushed the dust off my shoulders and kept on chuggin'. I stepped on the scale this week and I made it- down 50 pounds and 6 ounces to be exact. I guess I'll come out with it this time and disclose that I started this journey at 291. Not my heaviest, but certainly close. I am now 240.6 and I'm feeling well. Some days are better than others and I still have a food addition- that will never go away. Cravings come and go but it's getting easier. I'm making better choices and I think it's all due to control. Having some control over oneself and the choices one makes is one of the hardest parts about being an adult.
I have set the goal officially with weight watchers of 200. My personal goal is truly to be at least 199- yes, I know it's not about the number but it sure would be swell to be under the 200 mark. I haven't seen that on the scale since before Tommy. You all know me, so you're proabaly not surprised that I went to reward myself. I went to White House Black Market and did some damage, but boy was just happy as a clam to fit into some of their clothes. Don't worry too much, I stayed in the clearance section.
I'll keep you all posted while I continue this journey.

Just a little at a time...

Well friends, I weighed in today like every Monday and to my surprise, I lost 3.8 pounds. Huge success for me, but still had a little voice in the back of my mind saying "wouldn't it have been nice if this week was the big 5-0?" Not sure I did anything different this week than the other weeks, but I'll take it and run with it. My total now is 49.6 lost; lets not get too excited, I'm still waaaaaayyyy overweight...BUT, I see myself making some lifestyle choices that are growing on me and slowly becoming a part of my daily routine. For one, there is more produce in my house and much less on the processed foods front. I think my family is benefiting from this too. I will say that the addition piece hasn't gotten much easier. I struggle with ways to cope when I'm feeling anxious, sad, depressed, excited... I think you get the point. I have found that I fill the food void by doing things that I probably shouldn't, like shopping and buying useless things. I'd love to say that I've replaced the void with exercise or meditation but I'm just going to be honest here- I haven't. I am struggling to find that one thing to take on that gives me a little bit of relief. I just completed the first 3 chapters of my dissertation and I thought that writing would be therapeutic for me, but instead that has proved to be a huge stressor that makes me want to eat more. I really want to hear from you all...what do you do to fill your "void" or "emptiness". For me, it used to be food but as I look for other things to quiet me down I find that they aren't always the best choices, for example- wine. Now, I did read an article that says a glass of red wine a day is like exercising, but I'm thinking the jury is still out on that one.

Mistakes, I've made a few

Well folks, I haven't written in a while but my silence doesn't mean failure. I'm 45 pounds down now and I'm feeling really good. I have made some mistakes and had some slip ups along this journey but I need to keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle, not another quick fix. I'm keeping diligent about weighing in at weight watchers but I am no longer counting points. I have been following a higher protein, no sugar (except stevia and some fruit), low carb diet and most of my cravings are now gone. I have had a few occasions where I really couldn't resist, so I did have a few beers or a couple bites of ice cream cake. I have been able to stop myself though, which is a huge step for me. I am a compulsive over eater, humbly I must always remind myself of this fact in order to be honest with myself. I want to thank those of you who have reached out to me with your own stories of food struggles, it keeps me motivated and humbled.
I was at Germanfest this weekend, the beer was flowing and the brats were calling my name. I didn't deprive myself, ate the brat and sauerkraut, no bun. I did have one...ok more than one beer and I didn't feel sick the next day from overdoing it. My Mom took me to go buy a new Dirndl, because all the Dirndls I have are quite small from my high school days. I was actually really excited, because I love wearing ethnic clothing and it's always been a big part of my life. However, I stepped into the store and the owner looked at me and quickly told me that she "didn't have any dirndl's in my size". I was mortified, but my Mom bought me a Dirndl anyway and it fit. It was the largest one she had in the store and it was tight but dammit I wore it the next day and I felt like a million bucks. It wasn't a good experience I would ever want to relive again, but I will say that I'm not letting her steal my moment. I felt beautiful. I am reminded consistently that there is much ignorance out there over body shaming and we have so much work to do. I felt disappointed in myself that I was at a loss for words with her, I should have said something so that didn't happen to anyone again. I will however, never shop in that store again.

It's been a looooooooong time.

I'll call it success. I weighed in today and even though I don't count points anymore and haven't for a while I will continue to weigh in to keep myself honest. I also got rid of my scale in the house because I was becoming too obsessed with it, so at least once a week I'll know where I stand. I have now lost a total of 40.8 pounds and guess what? I still felt like it wasn't enough. Immediately my mind was racing and saying "well Nicole, it could've been 50 already if you hadn't fallen off the wagon so many times". You know what? My inner voice is right, I could've bypassed 50 a while back if I stayed on track BUT I could also be at plus 50 right now, and that is where I would have been headed had I not gotten my $&*# together. My work outs are inconsistent at best right now, but I think I have really done a good job kicking my sugar habit. There have been 2 occasions now where Tom and I have gone out with friends and I have been able to take 1 bite, a small bite of a dessert and then move along with my life instead of sticking my face in the dessert and then hitting the drive through on my way home. The great thing is that I have had a lot of time to really think about food and my eating habits while I have been abstaining from sugar and most carbs. I used to grab food because I was bored, lonely, anxious, tired, happy...you get the idea. Now that I don't have that, I try to at least think about the feeling that I'm having so I can start to get to the root of the problem. I also try to substitute as much liquid as I can for food so I know I'm hydrated and so I am still filling myself up with something.
My problem is also moderation- with EVERYTHING! Why is it that I can't go to the store and buy 1 pair of shoes or have just 1 french fry or have 1 cheeseburger. I can't stop myself, I have a problem with moderation and I'm laying it all out there. My biggest problem with moderation is food though, through and through. I remember being at a cousin's birthday party and I cut a piece of cake for myself (I love store bought cake with the cheap buttercream icing) the cake was an enormous piece and I huddled myself in the corner where people couldn't really see my eating habits. Well, one person who I won't name here did say something to me and it stuck with me. She was telling me that the size I cut myself wasn't a normal piece. She was right, it was about 3 times the size I should have had- especially having weighed in at over 300 pounds at that time. I remember it so vividly and not in a bad way either, I remember it because I need to reference what normal is...because I don't know. I can't sense that I'm full all the time, I just keep going and going- so to think about what might be perceived as normal is actually a good practice for me.

So far so good

After reading quite a few journals and articles regarding food addiction and how cutting out sugars and carbohydrates that aren't naturally found in our fruits and veggies can help- I can honestly say that I'm feeling good. I had a few days where I didn't think I was going to make it, especially when some of my trigger foods were around me. There have been a few celebrations since I've started this, they serve as pesky triggers for me as well, and I can honestly say I've been able to make it through. With that being said, I am down 9 pounds from when I started this sugar elimination diet and have finally hit my 10% weight loss goal at weight watchers. I was close a little over a month ago, but didn't hit it because I had gained a few back.

I still have about a can of pop a day, i'm drinking my coffee with creamer  and I do eat fruits (all of them) along with all veggies. It amazes me the more I look at food labels how much sugar is really in all of what we eat. I will also say that I am realizing that my artificial sugar found in diet coke tends to trigger cravings as well but at least I have cut way back. Not ready to let that go quite yet. I had a nice honest talk with my weight watchers leader this week, she knows I'm a serial yoyo dieter and asked me if I changed my mind on my goal weight. I haven't. My Doc just wants me to be at 200 and I am fine with that too, especially because I tend to set unrealistic goals for myself which lead me to balloon back up and start the cycle again. I have some ways to go but I'm feeling optimistic. I've been doing lots of salads, always with protein on top such as chicken salad, tuna salad, or broccoli salad with bacon. I've also started bringing snacks with me to work like cottage cheese and blueberries sprinkled with stevia which is delicious if you haven't tried it.

I will say that I realize more each day how connected I am to food. Since starting eliminating sugar, I have really been a beast to be around. I've had mood swings and I'm all sorts of irritable without my coping mechanism of food and binge eating. It's really a struggle everyday but I keep telling myself that it is worth it.

Mommy has a fat butt

Yes, friends that's exactly what my precious 4 year old said to my husband last week. He didn't mean it in a vindictive way, he said it matter of fact, and you know what? He's right. It gave me some motivation to get back on that wagon and start over. I thought to myself, what helped me lose 170 pounds just years ago? Go low carb again. So that's exactly what I did and it has really helped me to be more mindful of my eating. It has also helped me to re-introduce myself with hunger. I hate the feeling of hunger and that is exactly what I've been feeling this week. Although, I do have to say that I have eaten every time I have felt that feeling, I've just made different choices with what went in my mouth. I've cut any sugar that isn't fruit and all the flour and bread products.

I am not one of those crazy no fruit, no corn people though...no  this has to be absolutely sustainable for me if I'm going to work. It also helped me to remember why I was so successful cutting carbs last time, I'm obviously carb sensitive and thats what makes me gain weight. What's more is that carbs are my drug of choice and once I start with the sugar and the bread, I can't stop myself and end up with a binge that lasts for years; just like what got me here today. I haven't stepped on the scale but I have had 3 people (yes, I count) tell me that I'm looking different. I'm also feeling different, more confident and have picked up getting physical again. This made me realize how very sluggish the carbs have been making me and with me stuffing my face with dunkin donuts, mcdonalds and every other sweet that my mother insists on making- it made me a zombie. I'm sleeping great, eating well and can almost keep up with the kids again. I plan on weighing in on monday, so keep me in your thoughts because we all know that the number on the scale can discourage me and ruin my streak here if it doesn't say what I think it should say. I need to keep myself honest and see if this is working, otherwise I wouldn't even bother going to weigh in.

Withdrawal

Well ladies and gents, I didn't weigh in this week due to craziness with the kiddos schedules, but I do know that I wouldn't want to see what the scale says anyways. I know I'm not back up to where I started this time but I do know that I was feeling unmotivated until I saw my friend's blog about whole 30. I am motivated by other people's success and after researching more about whole 30, I decided it's not quite for me but what is for me is to go back to my low carb lifestyle for a while until I can lose a little more weight to motivate myself to get back on track. Yes, that's right; losing weight motivates me to lose more weight. When I do the low carb deal, I still eat fruits and veggies and I don't go all Atkins or anything, I mostly stick with low fat meats and cheeses. I still have my coffee with just a touch of regular coffee creamer in the morning, because it's what I wake up for and I am not a pretty sight without it. In fact, I think my 4 year old even recognizes when I haven't had my coffee yet.
With that said, I'm hungry as hell. Hungry for the things that of course I have tried to cut out, like refined sugars, flour, breads, rice, etc. You get the idea. However, I will tell you that strawberries and blueberries never tasted so sweet! It's like eating candy. Sorry, I lied. It's not like eating candy, but it is sweet as heck and I am shocked at how much I am enjoying fruit. Today, I even decided that I would prepare one veggie per day to have around the house to snack. I made roasted carrots in the oven today, they were delish. Hard core low to no carbers would tell you that I shouldn't have my sweet potatoes or watermelon. I just can't roll that way, I need to still have foods that I enjoy within reason: otherwise I will without question end up binge eating all the things that I haven't been eating and then some. I had such success with eating low carb several years ago that I forgot why I stopped doing that. It was definitely something I could handle and helped me get a hold on my food addiction. I have a sugar addiction for sure, so this is good for me. Yes, I'm a bit crabbier than usual and yes, I go from 0-100 on the hunger scale in a matter of seconds. The first day I tried this, I attempted to cut my diet coke habit too. BAD IDEA! Don't recommend going cold turkey. I decided that I would let myself have one diet pop a day, that has been much better for me.

I haven't exactly been great about working out lately, in fact I'm lazier than usual. One thing at a time, I suppose. I can't do it all at once since this is not a quick fix but a lifestyle change. My husband and I have been considering baby #3. However, I will preface this by saying part of me doesn't know if we will forge ahead due to my weight issues. With all the yoyo dieting and up and down weight gains and losses, I am not sure it's a healthy move to go ahead and lose weight just to put it right back on during a pregnancy and then attempt to lose it again after. However, we are considering the possibility of another baby and I know that being the weight I am, it's a bad idea. With gestational diabetes, hypertension and probably many other issues that you could google- it's all looming over my head when I think about babies. In fact, I saw a relatively obese woman at the mall the other day who was pregnant and I automatically thought to myself- what the heck is this woman thinking? Why would she put herself and her baby at risk like that? I stopped myself because people may have looked at me and thought the same thing during my last pregnancy. That woman could be me.

One motivation for this new lifestyle of low carb which I am trying is because we had some people over a couple weeks ago and one of the little kids my son was playing with drew a picture of our family. The sweet kid was drawing me as bigger than Tommy thought she should, so he got all upset and bent out of shape that she was drawing me ugly. This is one of the things I've dreaded, the day that my kid discovers that I'm fat. No really, he doesn't see me like that when he looks at me like that. It's others that teach him to see me like that, he learns that I'm fat. He wasn't born knowing or thinking I was fat. It was definitely a conversation we had to have, since he was so upset about it. It breaks my heart that he had to get so worked up about something that I've done to myself and that I struggle with daily. In fact, as I got him from the bus today in my yoga pants and t-shirt, I was immediately covering myself because I thought about how all the kids would see me crossing the street to get him from the bus and they would probably say something about me the next day on the bus. I don't want to do this to him and it only gets worse as they get older because kids can be mean and they often say what they think without considering the consequences.

It could always be worse

So, it's been a while since I've posted. Not because I've gotten too busy, but I've fallen off the wagon. I felt embarrassed to put in writing that I stopped tracking and counting points, only to stuff my face with things that I haven't really allowed myself to have these past few months. In fact, I went to weight in on Monday, which I was proud of doing because I certainly knew things weren't going to be pretty. I sat in the parking lot, in my car and thought up countless reasons why I shouldn't go inside to step on that scale. I actually became so anxious that I started eating the bag of baked cheetos my son brought into the car the day before. Funny thing is, I turned my head to eat it in the general direction of the heavy set lady in her car, waiting for weight watchers to open; not the skinny lady to my left.  Eventhough I knew I wouldn't be happy with what I saw, I begrudgingly went inside- stepped on the scale and collected the weeks of themed booklets from the times I didn't show up for the meeting or weigh in. Our leader didn't make me feel bad about my long absence from weight watchers, she just said that it was good I came back. I wanted to be honest with myself and where I was. Well, I've gained about 4 pounds since I last wrote on here. It's not terrible, I thought it was going to be much, much worse. I will say that I kept working out everyday, so that's probably the reason it was 4 pounds, and not 14.
So today when I woke up, I decided I was going to do something different to jump start my weight loss. I was going to avoid all complex carbs and sugars that I know I have a weakness for and I know I crave on a daily basis. Only problem is, the first thing I did was reach for the leftovers of my son's bagel without even thinking. Followed by grabbing a handful of chips that I served with lunch for the boys. Then, to top it all off, they had chicken salad wraps at work, in a big tomato pesto fully carb loaded tortilla; you guessed it, I ate that too. I didn't intend on my day going like that, but it did. Yes, I am a little disappointed in myself but I am not back where I started and there have been times in these past few weeks that I have had something in my hand that I was going to put to my mouth, but I made a conscious effort to put it down or throw it away.
Some days, I have the best of intentions and start out great, only to finish off the day totally angry and disappointed with myself on how I let my will power and motivation go. Then, I had a fleeting thought that there is no rush, there is no race, no competition, no wedding dress to fit into. This is for me, for my kids, for my future and my life. This will always be a struggle but there is no race and no finish line. I have to keep reminding myself of that. No one is going to give me a diploma or a certificate of completion at the end of this journey, because there is no end to this journey. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can stop starting over.

The fat girl shuffle

I was listening to the radio this week and they came out with this "mind blowing" study about weight loss and said that people tend to be thinner if they don't have food around them all the time. No shit! You're saying that if I just don't have food around me, I won't eat it (because the food isn't around me) and then I will be skinny? By Golly! This totally ended my struggle.
Not really, but there is something to be said about it. I noticed today at work that I brought a 2 point ww buffalo pretzels snack and a banana. I ate both within the first half hour of work because they were sitting within arms length and I couldn't stop myself. Not that I really love bananas but I felt the urge to eat them because I knew I would eat them eventually and I also knew that I had put them in my tracker already.
Lets just say, in about 2 hours I'm going to be hungry again and I will wish I had those snacks I brought for myself. Don't worry, I won't be hungry for long- I will find something. I'm resourceful like that.
This week I stayed the exact same at my weekly weigh in. I call that a success, not because I stayed the same but because I didn't punish myself for it. Formerly, I would have been so upset with myself that I would have eaten my emotional self into a drunken food stupor and started the cycle of shame. I didn't do that this time, so lets celebrate that. Not with food.
I am however a little nervous about Mother's Day- especially because I heard my Mom on the phone with Deerfields Bakery yesterday ordering cakes for the occasion. Hopefully I can stay strong because I'm really hoping for Monday to be the 30 pounds down milestone.

You have a beautiful face...

It's that dreaded, double meaning of a compliment. "You have such a beautiful face". Well folks, I'm here to tell you that although as kind as you might think you are being when you say this, it's something I've heard for a majority of my life and it's awful. The things that run through my head when someone says this to me: So you're saying I don't have a beautiful anything else? Wow, they really pity me. It goes on and on and I know I'm not the only one out there. It's the struggle of anyone who has ever had any body image issues and there are many of us. We don't feel completely confident in ourselves, so comments like that can really set us off. Amirite? I only say this because I received this "compliment" this week and I was caught off guard because I hadn't heard it in years and I didn't know quite how to respond. It did, however make me think of my childhood.

I remember being a wee little 2nd grader and it was time to look for a communion dress. I'm sure little girls plus sizes have come a long way since I was 7 and yet I'm sure it hasn't come far enough. I wanted to look like all the other girls, cute white dress with sparkles and pearls; the white clutch to match and some semi-high heeled shoes, don't forget the crown and vail. Yet, every time I looked at pictures of myself, I saw none of that. I saw the face of a very unhappy girl stuffed into her dress becasue her parents couldn't find one that fit well. This is just one memory I have of what I'll call "the stuffing". One of my girlfriends in grade school who I thank to this very day for being so kind to me had to help me zip my jeans up while I lay down on her bed. She didn't just have to zip friends, she hoisted. I remember in that moment how she didn't put me down, she was very gentle emotionally with me about that incident but I will never forget it. Being a 7th grader and needing someone to help zip your size 14 jeans up? It wasn't pretty. Not everyone was so gentle though. We had a band director that told me I looked like a stuffed sausage in my uniform that same year. How does someone of authority do that to a child? I remember it like it was yesterday and I suppose I did look like a stuffed sausage in that uniform but he didn't have to tell me- I already knew. He also didn't have to say it in front of the rest of my classmates. It was awful and it motivated me to go on a binge diet that very same week. It wasn't a healthy diet, but I was so embarassed that I knew I needed to do something.

Grade schoolers are very impressionable, lets be kind with our overweight children. You never know how your comments will affect them short and long term.

It's been a while...

So, I haven't updated in a while. Last week on Monday I weighed in with a 2 pound gain, and this week with a 2.6 pound loss. It all evens out right? Not really. If I think of how I could be way ahead instead of struggling with the same numbers week after week...I can't let myself do that though, that's mean and that wouldn't be me being gentle with myself. I've had a few gains along the way, nothing major and I'm still at 28.2 pounds down. Last weekend was my little Leo's 2nd Birthday party and I had a very hard time with all the cake, cupcakes and goodies around the house. I found myself quickly eating a piece here, or a bite there when no one was looking. It's odd how I feel like I have to eat in private and that if I do, it doesn't really count because no one saw it. Problem is, I saw it, felt it, paid dearly for it when I weighed in last Monday.
I survived a luncheon at Maggianos with a whole bowl of Riggatoni D right in front of me this past weekend, so I'll call this a huge win for the week. I feel like I have come a long way, because I was able to have some (it's my favorite meal in the whole world) but I could stop myself at a certain point and I didn't eat the whole bowl myself. I could have, but I didn't. I ate more than I should have but I didn't eat to the point of making myself sick which is something I was prone to do in the past. I was able to eat a half of piece of cake instead of several pieces. It's really a work in progress, better yet, I am a work in progress.  I considered changing my weigh in day to Fridays since I am really great all week and then screw it all up on weekends, but that wouldn't give me much motivation to keep it together on the weekends, would it?
Good news is that I am feeling alive and I have quite a bit of energy everyday. I have been doing the 21 day fix for 20 days and I still can't believe I've done any workout video for that long. My close friend and I decided we would continue to do the videos but every other day instead of everyday and on our off days we are doing a jog/walk plan to get in shape for a relay sprint triathlon.
Sometimes I forget that I am worth this whole process. It is hard, it is grueling and I want to quit much of the time. I find comfort in knowing I am not the only one that feels this way. I also know that throwing in the towel isn't an option.

Cautiously optimistic

So ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to say that I've lost the 3 pounds that I gained from vacation (plus a little more). I was watching everything I put in my mouth, counted all my points AND I worked out every single day. I don't think I've ever worked out for 7 days straight in my entire life, I would always give myself a rest day. However, I'm finding the 21 day fix rather motivational and the 30 minutes fly by. I am reminded tonight though, that this food addiction is alive and well. I went grocery shopping earlier and looked over to my right while I was waiting for check out. I saw some mediocre looking carrot cake cookies- they almost looked like whoopie pies. I can't say they are my favorite, they didn't look all that great but in that moment I contemplated throwing it all away to buy the box, sit in my car and eat them all one by one. It's sick, I know- I've worked so hard to shed the weight and I could have ruined it for myself right there in some semi-good looking carrot cake cookies. Good news is that I stayed strong and I didn't do it. I went home, had some turkey dogs, salad, skinny pop and skinny cow ice cream. I ate within my points and I even surprised myself when I noticed that I kept using the same measuring cup to make sure I'm not over-eating on the popcorn.

Yesterday I made a book on shutterfly for my parents of all the pictures we took on our vacation to Disney. At first when I saw myself in pictures, I decided not to include those pictures in the book because I didn't want to see myself that way and I didn't want anyone else to either. I was even surprised to see some of the pictures because quite honestly, I don't feel the way I look. I feel like a normal sized person, in fact I feel like a skinny person in a trapped body- something I may always struggle with. I think it's all about taking time to adjust, since when I was thin, I was always buying clothes too big and acting like a fat person in a skinny person's body. Eventually, I put all the pictures in the book because my boys and my family loves me any which way. I have to not be so selfish and learn to live with myself in the moment, in the past and the future. I need to accept that I am more than my weight problems. I was talking to one of my friends this weekend at school and I expressed my discontent with how I have to think about every damn thing I put in my mouth. I said that I envied people who could eat what they wanted when they wanted and could live their life free of worry about food all the time. It then occurred to me that almost everyone thinks about food. Skinny people for the most part are skinny because they put the work in, they eat well and make good decisions about their eating habits. Some food for thought for this gal!

It's only failure if you don't learn from it

I haven't written in a while because I've been a little busy with travel and family commitments. I will say that Disney was an absolute dream and I am so thankful to my parents for taking my whole family there for a week of fun. That being said, I fell off the wagon. It started with my Birthday, I let myself enjoy the things that I really like; eggs Benedict, birthday cake. Then I let it go on until I left for vacation and then once in Disney, all hell broke loose. I ate like it was my last meal for the first two days but then was sick from not being used to that and not having my medication with me. I scaled it back but still ate way beyond what I should have. I kept telling myself that I was walking so much that it didn't matter what I ate and I knew it wasn't true, but I used that excuse nonetheless. When I returned home, it was time for Easter so I once again indulged in things I shouldn't have. However, I was selective about the candy and ate my annual cadberry egg and Easter colored m&ms. I left it at that. Next day, I went to weight watchers and weighed in. I knew it wouldn't be good, just didn't know exactly where the scale would be. I gained 3 pounds and you know what? I thought it would be worse, so I'll take this opportunity to jump back on the wagon and hopefully I'll lose the 3 I gained. This is but a minor set back and I can persevere through this. I thought more deeply about my decisions this time and made better choices than I would have, I knew in the moment I was choosing the wrong path but at least I'm stopping here and working my way back up. 3 pounds isn't the end of the world and believe me when I say it could have been much, much worse. Especially with all the buffets that were included on our Disney dining plan. It's Tuesday and although I went a little over my points yesterday, I am on track today and did the first day of the 21 fix exercises with a great, supportive friend. I have had a couple of family occasions the past couple days and saw people that I hadn't seen in a while. Years and up to even months ago, I would have told you that I was too embarrassed to go to things because I didn't want people to see me this way. I am feeling more confident that I am who I am and I will not belittle myself into hiding from people. Take me as I am. Sometimes I am thin and most of the time I am fat, love me or leave me because my weight doesn't define who I am. I am proud that I know this now.

Another weigh in and a few random thoughts.

So I haven't been on here in a while because I have been trying to catch up with life a little and schoolwork. I spent some time in DC for the ACE (higher ed conference) with colleagues from the Doctoral program I am in. There was open bar and food galore from bacon wrapped scallops to fillet and well, you name it. Something I realized from this trip is that I still can't eat everything even if I wanted to because my body is still recovering from surgery and I am grateful because I would've eaten the whole damn buffet had I been able to. Secondly, I noticed that I am finally at a place where I can leave food in my plate and walk away from it. I don't need to finish every last bite which has been customary for me every time I ate anything. We had a dinner at a really nice restaurant the last night of the conference, courtesy of our program and I actually left some salmon in my plate- didn't eat the potatoes and ate a few bites of the pear cobbler. I was absolutely fine and I survived. This is a huge success for me.

Today I weighed in after not having been to weight watchers in a couple weeks. I was down 4 for a total of 28 pounds lost. I received the 25lb charm and I was absolutely delighted. It was a familiar feeling because I've done this before, but it was still a special moment for me. I won't say that I don't feel a little guilty since I was sick for much of the time which resulted in weight loss but I'm still going to take it.

Another more emotional thought I wanted to write about is that I was singing for a funeral today, which isn't uncommon since I belong to the Church choir that sings for funerals. However, today the congregation celebrated the life of a man who was younger than we usually see and the person who offered words of remembrance mentioned that the deceased struggled with sobriety. Immediately in my head I thought, oh- ok it all makes sense now. Like it would make sense that he would die early because he had trouble with sobriety. How ignorant of me; and then I thought that I am no different. Struggling with food addiction is much like struggling with sobriety. I too have been at an Overeaters Anonymous group meeting where we take the same tenants as an AA meeting. However, my mind began to wander to "what if it was me"? Would someone see my picture and say oh, that makes sense now- she was morbidly obese. I know these aren't the most pleasant of thoughts but I wanted to share them because I know for certain I'm not the only person who struggles with these ideas popping into my head. My Doctor was talking to me about a woman who had steatohepatitis and has needed two liver transplants so far. I couldn't help but think, really? She can't get it together with her weight enough after the first liver that she needed another one? Another ignorant and arrogant thought that went through my head, because he also told me that could be me if I didn't make the changes necessary. I am doing everything I can to stay strong and make the changes that I need to make in my life and lifestyle but it is hard not to have negative feelings from time to time. Instead of shutting those feelings out like I would do before and then end up eating my feelings, I have decided to get the feelings out and share them so I can embrace how I feel and hopefully have some resolve.

It's weigh in day again!

Is it just me or does anyone else get nervous when they wake up in the morning on weigh in day? I'm still recovering from some of the complications I experienced from my surgeries last month and I can finally say that most solids are going down well- a little too well. It was much easier to lose weight on the liquid diet my Doctors demanded of me, but once I went back on solids I felt like I had to make up for lost time. I didn't, but really only because my belly wasn't letting me do that yet. I was down 4.3 this week which makes for a total of...drum roll please ^^^^^^ 24.0 lbs. The only reason I'm hesitant to celebrate is because for the majority of this past month, I wasn't able to eat solid food, so even my Doctor told me last week that this isn't intentional weight loss so it's considered cheating. I'm not going to be that hard on myself though, I'll take it as a win and move right along.

Since I was in the hospital while we were supposed to take our family trip to Disney for my Dad's 75th- it's been rescheduled for the end of March and I am excited and nervous at the same time. Not nervous for all the food options that are so good they leave your mouth watering for days, but nervous because of the pictures. If you've ever been unhappy with your weight and you looked at yourself in a picture, you know what I'm talking about. When you go on a trip like Disney, you want to cherish those memories for a lifetime; especially when you're taking your little ones. On one hand, I am sad that I've avoided being in pictures with my kids for the past 4 years but on the other hand I feel like it would make me unhappy to see what I really look like in those pictures and in some strange way if I don't take a picture of myself looking my worst- then it's like it never happened. I just don't want my kids to pull out pictures in 20 years and say "wow, you were really heavy Mom". Then again, I don't want my kids to pull out pictures and say, "where were you Mom"?

I also have to head to DC for school this weekend for a conference- yes, I have to fly. Now for everyone who knows me, they know it's my biggest fear; even though I've done plenty of it over the years. One of those irrational fears of sorts. Part of the anxiety comes from sitting in a tight airplane seat and waiting for the flight attendant to check and see if the seat belt fits me- or God forbid if she asks me in advance if I need an extender. All things that are running through my head this week.

It's gettin' real

Well folks, I always felt like this unhealthy lifestyle and yoyo dieting could never get me, I was wrong. Had a follow up with the surgeon and GI today and the GI had a pretty serious come to Jesus talk with me about my health and getting it together. Apparently my liver enzymes weren't going down after both procedures I had even though that's why I kept telling myself they were elevated. Nope, it was fatty liver gone wild- turned into nonalcoholic steatohepatitis. Big long name for I let my fatty liver go too far and it turned into hepatitis which he described as inflammation and possible damage. This is aside from the whole possible panaceas issues from the pancreatitis, but I digress. I sat there across from my Doctor and made up every excuse in the book on why I let things get this far. I told him that I was once over 300 pounds and that I got myself all the way to 150 for my wedding. He told me that what I was telling him was wonderful but that I was in the danger zone now and that I needed to get my health together and make it a priority to drop weight now, take over a low fat diet, no alcohol because of the hepatitis and start exercising as much as possible. He said that I will be monitored by him for this issue as it can cause cirrhosis and all sorts of nasty things. He asked me several times if I understood what he was telling me and if I comprehended the seriousness of what he was saying to me. I kept telling him that I didn't understand because I never really drank, didn't most people equate liver disease with drinking? I wasn't getting it- or I didn't want to get it. Either way, I have no one to thank but myself and I feel a sudden sense of urgency to get my act together.

I feel like I'm the poster child for what happens when you continuously put you and your health behind everything and everyone else. I know I'm not the only one who does it either, you're all out there. The ones that eat fast food in the drive through because you only had time to make healthy meals for the kids at home. The Mom that scraps the gym so she can take the kids to target and buy a frozen themed shirt for school the next day. We're all guilty of putting ourselves last, but when is enough, enough?

This appointment was enough to send me spiraling into a gallon of chubby hubby by Ben and Jerry, but I didn't- yet that is...It's upsetting because what he didn't know is that I've lost over 19 pounds since I started my journey this time and it still isn't enough to make a dent. I'm just being honest with all of you, some days feel like a success and many days feel like failure. Wouldn't be telling the truth if I said otherwise.

8.4

I know I've been a little absent lately, I weighed in this week and yes- I lost 8.4 pounds but I feel like it's cheating, I'll tell you why. I had an emergency gallbladder removal surgery on Valentines Day (Happy Valentines Day to me) and then after some complications had another procedure two days later and then if that wasn't enough, I ended up with a fairly severe case of pancreatitis. I was in the hospital for 8 days and for most of those 8 days I was not allowed to eat or drink, just received IV fluids so that my pancreas could rest.

Sad thing is, I actually expected to lose more weight after not eating for 8 days, I mean really! It was somewhat of a hellish ordeal, I thought I would come out of the hospital a skinny women. Well, that didn't happen. However, I am back on plan and at home resting and recuperating. There were a few times I was ready to say screw it, hand me some ice cream or a milk shake...but I didn't. I'm going to have to remain fairly healthy for a while to accommodate my new lack of an organ which is a good thing.

I'm also terrified that after not eating for a week and having a bigger loss that I will be a failure come next Monday because I am now consuming food and drinking liquids again. I'm also not very active right now because I'm still in some pain, so there's a lot of sitting around on my behind.

There is one major lesson I learned from this experience though- I can't put my health on the back burner any longer. Over 2 years ago I started to have gallbladder attacks on and off and I knew that I had gallstones and that the gallbladder needed to be removed. I put it off for two years and of course ended up with complication after complication. I could always come up with an excuse why it wasn't a good time for me to go through with the procedure, but what could have been an outpatient surgery ended up an 8 day hospital stay. Just shows you where my mind was, not on my health.

Not anymore though, it's my time to put me first.

At least I'm not back where I started

Sometimes I get down on myself for letting this get this far, and yet it isn't my lowest point. I remember going to Europe to study at Loyola's Rome Center and feeling excited about being in Europe again, this time with Tom. We visited London, Paris, Munich, Capri and Rome; it was an absolute dream trip and I absolutely hated it- I need a do over. Why you ask? Because I was in pain, could barely walk the cobblestone paths and could not keep up like the rest of our group could. I actually ended up at the ER one of the nights because my ankles were so swollen I had a hard time putting shoes on. Before I left for the trip, I had made an appointment with a bariatric surgeon and strongly considered my options with him. I decided that I would most likely take the route of gastric banding but wouldn't do anything until I got back from the trip. Once I returned back to Chicago, my sweet cousin in Germany sent me this picture:

 

I still to this day do not believe that's me, but guess what? It is. When I saw this picture, I cried and cried. I couldn't believe that is what I looked like to other people, because it certainly wasn't what I saw when I looked in the mirror. You can probably see from the expression on my face that I wasn't happy at all and definitely wasn't feeling well. This was back in 2006 and in August when I returned, I swore I wouldn't look that way again. I worked tirelessly to exercise and eat right, got a personal trainer and decided I would do it without surgery. I was young, determined and full of will power. I keep this picture as a reminder, sometimes when I pull it out I think maybe I should've looked a little sooner- so I wouldn't have put this much weight back on after working so hard to get it off. However, I'm not back where I started, I'm better off than before and this time, I know from experience that I can do it.

Weigh in 2

Well, it could've been worse! 1.6 pounds gone. I suppose I should do a happy dance and be super excited that it went down not up or down not the same BUT I am still disappointed. I ate really well this whole week, could've been more active though. I will say that it could be because ladies tend to get bloated every so often about once a month, right ladies? It's interesting to me that for many of us, good isn't good enough. I could also come up with a billion different reasons why I didn't do better but I shouldn't. I am now 11.2 pounds lighter than I came into this journey and for that I am grateful. I am also thankful for a support system that just won't quit- even when I might want them to.

I was at a party this past weekend and I was discussing with my friend's husband how difficult it is to be healthy and to lose weight. To my surprise, he talked about having the same struggle. I know I am not the only serial yo yo dieter out there but it was nice to know that others around me have been able to navigate through the rough waters.

One of my ways to cope is to buy self help books about weight loss. I feel comforted by others personal journeys. These are just a small sampling of what I have in my repertoire. Please, feel free to ask me for one or all of these books and I'll send them to you- free for the taking. Carnie Wilson's I'm still Hungry caught my eye this morning. Maybe because I am usually still hungry, or maybe its a feeling that I mistake for hunger? I'm still not sure, but it's almost always there. I think about what thin people might do when they go out to lunch or dinner- I think about all the people who are able to eat half of what's on their plates. I, for one have never been able to do that. I eat everything on the plate, even if I know it's more than one serving. I do envy those that can stop themselves from eating further because they know they've had enough. It's something I hope I can do in the future. My Mom brought some pizza over this weekend and I immediately opted for something else in the fridge that didn't have an ambiguous point value. Why? I'm not ready yet. I know with pizza I can't have just one piece, so I will allow myself some time to deal with those temptations. Not just yet.

Weight Watchers has come a long way

Since this is probably close to my 15th time back at weight watchers, I have seen it through many different stages of development. From the sliding point hand held apparatus to the intuitive app that they have now. I am thankful that weight watchers finally came up with something like their current app with 24/7 chat- which believe me, I have used plenty of time in these past two weeks to their food finder where I can go to any major restaurant and readily find point values. I used to deprive myself of eating at restaurants while I was on weight watchers because I was afraid to miscalculate points and depriving myself of social gatherings at restaurants was not helping me stay on plan; and when I did go out to restaurants I became the master of rounding down on the point values. I went to the Cheesecake factory last night and found something delicious and filling on their skinnylicious menu. I questioned the item's 15 point value but thought I would trust the validity of the app and just rolled with it. Last week I went to red robin and although I wanted a burger, I didn't think ahead enough to save points for a burger- so I had the ensenada chicken platter; totally delish. I attended a luncheon this week as well at Tuscany (they have great food, btw) and I was doing my best to keep my phone on the table to calculate as I ate through the multi course family style meal. By the end of the meal, I was shocked that I didn't touch my white chocolate mousse cake with white chocolate shavings on it. I did have the mixed berries and some of the whipped cream  and you know what? I survived. Not without a little help from my friends though. My good friends Kathy and Bob who were also at the table are long time weight watchers and cheered me on with every good decision I made along the way. That is what makes the difference! The people who are with you in support, cheering you on along the way. Without them, I know that I would've been face deep in the vodka sauce pasta and white chocolate mousse.

I've been really good all week with tracking and staying within my points but I've already psyched myself into thinking how I won't have a successful weigh in on Monday. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know I'm not the only person who does this. I'm already preparing myself for the failure that hasn't occurred.

Weigh in Day

So, Monday was weigh in day and part of having some accountability with this blog is honesty. I decided last week when I started that I would post gains, losses and anything in between. I walked into the weight watchers center, thinking the buffalo wings, ribs, italian beef and other superbowl mishaps would have done me in. Surprisingly, I found myself with a loss of 9.6 pounds. I celebrated my first 5 pound achievement (which is actually probably the 25th time that's happened- yoyo dieter special). It felt great to have the group recognize the hard work of a loss, which is definitely a reason I keep going back to weight watchers. The only thing is, I personally haven't been able to celebrate the loss. This past week, I have experienced a myriad of emotions, most of them a little depressed because I am mourning the loss of my previous lifestyle with food. One of my nearest and dearest made me realize that today as we talked about the program. I used food as a coping mechanism, for sadness, happiness and well every other emotion imaginable. At times I felt an emptiness that I couldn't quite place but needed to become more comfortable with. This is the emptiness feeling that I dulled by the consumption of food.

I am so thankful to Tara for pointing out today that I really do need to celebrate something like this past week. I kept making excuses like I walked in to my first weigh in bloated and how it was all water weight but WHY am I making excuses to not celebrate something I worked so hard for? It's really interesting to me, because I keep thinking of how this week was a fluke and how I'm most definitely going to be a failure next week. I need to do better about staying in the moment. My friend Michelle sent me some amazing oils this week which helped keep me energized and I am just so thankful for that. It also helped me to realize that water doesn't need to be so darn dull!

For now, I'm cautiously optimistic.

Superbowl Sunday

Well, I'm not going to say this day was a success or a failure; I did learn quite a bit though. Made it half way through the day staying within, if not low on the points range. Then, my parents showed up with Italian Sausage, Italian beef, lasagna, 3 different types of chicken wings, desserts you can't even imagine...I haven't calculated what the damage was, but I know I didn't stay within my points range. BUT I didn't binge eat like I would have before last week, which I think is a huge plus. I almost did, but I actually didn't feel great so I stopped. Instead of the whole chocolate chip cookie, I ate half. Instead of sneaking back in to the kitchen for more wings, I stopped at what was on my plate. Could I have done better by staying within my points range? Absolutely, but what the hell, it's Super Bowl sunday! A day that Americans splurge on queso, beer, taco dip, spinach dips with hawaiian bread and anything and everything else that counts as game food.

Speaking of binging and splurging, I've been reading a book that was recommended to me by a friend from grade school and I am so thankful that I am reading this book. Shout out to Mr. Wilke! The book is called Why We Get Fat and although I've only read a few chapters, the author really hit home when he wrote about splurging. Splurging was meant for things like having a sweet treat every once in a while or "celebrating" something. This is now something our society tends to do daily, instead of the occasional splurge and he correlates that with the obesity epidemic. This hit home for me because of the way my family views food which is part of the reason I got in to this mess. We use food to celebrate, to love, to hate, to bond- I think you understand by now. We are German, yet you'll find us going out for Cinco de Mayo and eating a huge Mexican meal, we find a place to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with fish and chips- we celebrate EVERYTHING with food.

I suppose there will need to be, and in some ways already is some re-wiring that is taking place for me to find something else to celebrate with.

On a side note, for the second time in the last couple months someone has asked me when I'm due. Guess what friends, I'm not. Would absolutely welcome if it I was, but I'm not preggo. Funny thing is, we do want to have a 3rd child but I need to finish this degree program first and my Doc says I need to be under the 200lb mark. Huge disclosure there that I'm above it. I know, you won't judge. This should serve as a little reminder to people though, unless you are 99.9% sure, don't ask people when there're due! Just my 2 cents.

Thank you very much

I want to take a moment to thank everyone for being so kind, encouraging and supportive. I have been overwhelmed by everyone's emails, texts, facebook messages. It is so very nice to know I am not alone in this. It's really interesting to me how many people assume if you have your life "together" in some areas, you must have it all together. I'm here to tell you that's simply not true. I actually had someone tell me, "You're writing a dissertation, you're getting your Doctorate- you're clearly intelligent enough to do that, don't you think you can figure this out?" I can't make these things up, people. And yet, I feel like there is a glimmer of truth in what they are saying. Don't flip out, I said glimmer. I am feeling a little more organized and put together with things, such as laundry, food planning and preparation, dishes. I think there's something to be said for things coming together and falling into place when you embark on a journey like this.

For lunch today, I went to Mariano's and hit up the salad bar. Well, let me tell you that I spent 14 points on a salad. Yes, you read that right! I could've actually had a Big Mac instead for exact same amount of points. The thing is, I don't bother with salad unless I like what's on it; I had some tuna salad, olives, crab meat salad, I think you get the point. At first I was discouraged, but I made such a monster salad that I left some for a couple hours later. Now, if this had been last week and I had no accountability or program to follow I would've eaten the whole thing and wouldn't have cared. This is a big win in my book. I also didn't feel gross or heavy when I was done, I felt satiated. I won't say full because I am rarely actually full, if I let myself I really could've done some damage.

On another note, I was at the dermatologist and a little old man was across the waiting area with his daughter. In a note so quiet voice, he said "That girl over there is much bigger than me". His daughter apologized and said he was a little senile but I found it more humorous than anything. Older people are like children in that way, they speak the truth. There were quite a few people in that waiting room and I can honestly tell you that I wasn't embarrassed, it just made me aware of how others might perceive me.

The Shame Game

I'm sure we've all heard of fat shaming, but let me tell you- it's real. Not only are obese people hard on themselves, they have a world of judgment around them. Whether it's the shame of being too fat for the gym, the shame of going in line and getting your food at a buffet, the shame of only being able to shop in stores that have plus size clothing, the shame of being told that a certain clothing item isn't made in your size, the shame of being too heavy to sit in a canoe with your kids. It's around us, it's everywhere and it's realy very hurtful.

On the eating front...
So I was really good yesterday with watching my points and tracking, naturally I was thin at the end of the day. No really, I was actually feeling thin (because I was good for one day) and I saw myself in the mirror, immediately taken aback by what I saw. WHAT? I'm still fat? How the hell did that happen, I was good all day! That's how I felt in the moment, can you blame me? All that work for one day and still fat. I also noticed that as soon as I go on a diet, I'm hungry. Seriously- I say the word weight watchers and I immediately think of how I'm starving. So, I read about how people deal with the struggle of being hungry while dieting. It's all BS! Drink more water (I don't want water, I want food) Go for a walk (nope, I'm still thinking about food) Have a cup of tea (For real?)  I'm just stuck in a place right now thinking about how this is going to be for the rest of my life. My Doctor asked me why I stopped weight watchers if it worked. I said, because it worked. He said, clearly it didn't and that I would need to get comfortable with watching it for the rest of my life because my metabolism sucks and because I have eating issues. My question for today is, do people ever stop feeling hungry and does it get any easier?

Day 1

It's different this time. Sure, I've been to weight watchers before and actually every other diet program but there is one thing different about this time; I don't have to lose the weight for anyone or anything in particular. I lost 170 pounds before my wedding, lets be honest- doing all sorts of crazy things and I had the motivation to do it. Since having kids, I've lost that drive to fit into a certain size pants, eat well and frankly I could come up with five pages of excuses of why I let the weight pile back on but that's not the purpose of this. I went back to weight watchers yesterday with the help of friends and family and of course the fact that I haven't been fitting in my usual "fat" clothes lately. I was at the Doctor's office yesterday and my Doctor reminded me that I'm fat and every time I come to his office I'm a little fatter. Well, he is blunt and I like it- because it's true.
This morning I found myself chopping veggies, heating up steel cut oats and carefully considering my kids leftover french toast and thought long and hard about whether I would pop those into my mouth of not- because no one would notice. For you see, I struggle with, have always struggled with and will always continue to struggle with food addiction. It isn't pretty- one never knows which Nicole will show up to the party. Will it be fat Nicole, healthy Nicole, thin Nicole- (usually it's fat Nicole) and I love my friends and family for always being tactful and supporting me. BUT this time is different, because I am almost back to the weight of my heaviest. I have some stressors, school, work, two little ones, an internship as well as the sadness that is overwhelming to me from losing both my sweet grandparents in 2014 but there is absolutely no excuse for what I let myself do to my body. Did I mention I have to go on an airplane next month and I am flipping out just thinking if the seat belt will need an extender? I have a food addiction. When I don't remember that, I let it get the best of me and it overcomes me. I can't allow it to this time, because I have little kids that want and need me around and frankly I've become embarrassed by my latest weight gain and I'm out of control. This morning after eating my breakfast, I made some coffee and put lentil soup in the crockpot and stored away some chopped veggies in the fridge. I used to lose steam once I "messed" up just once, but if I think about it in a way, it's supposed to be about progress- not perfection.